By: Ian Fortey | 12/12/2013
By: Ian Fortey | 12/12/2013
Now is the time for malls, outlet stores and shitty, shitty radio stations to assault your ears with seasonal vitriol. According to science, a man can only listen to a cover of Santa Baby three times before a large portion of the brain turns to mush. That song sucks that badly.
By:Ian Fortey|December 3, 2013
So confident am I that AMC misfired on this episode, I’m actually writing this article two hours before it airs. I’m that good . I am going to tell you all the things you didn’t see that you needed to see, and wanted to see, and should have seen. I am going to make a real classic where none existed.
By:Ian Fortey|December 2, 2013
Because it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without GIFs.
By:Ian Fortey|November 28, 2013
Kanye West is a busy man. He has to refer to himself as a god in a non-ironic way during interviews. He has to simulate sex with his girlfriend in terrible music videos. He has to interrupt awards shows (which he was doing well before the Taylor Swift incident, like that time in 2006 when he lost an award and went on stage anyway to argue that he should have won), and also whine about awards shows when he doesn’t win, like the time he swore he’d never appear on MTV again after not winning at the VMAs.
By:Ian Fortey|November 27, 2013
If you’ve spent any time reading comic books, watching comic book movies or enjoy the myriad of comic book cartoons, odds are you’re passingly familiar with superheroes and their alternate identities. I would wager all of you know that Batman’s real name is Bruce Wayne and Spiderman is Peter Parker.
By:Ian Fortey|November 26, 2013
Choosing a porn star name is an art and most people are not artists. Have you ever used one of those porn star name apps or tricks, like where you combine the name of the street you grew up on with the name of your first pet? And one person on earth will get the name Ember Lashtail and that will be awesome, but you end up with the name 7th Dog?
By:Ian Fortey|November 25, 2013
We missed last week due to a technical problem and we may as well miss this week because you know who’s making all the money, but hey, let’s make fun of the movies no one is going to see this weekend.
By:Ian Fortey|November 22, 2013
As some of you have noticed, this entire site is run by me, Ian Fortey, and it has been for a while now. But it wasn’t always so. Holy Taco has previously been run by a team of highly skilled comedy luminaries and doctors with PhDs in hilarity (one had a Masters in witticisms as well).
By:Ian Fortey|November 21, 2013
McDonalds cares about its employees as demonstrated on its McResources website. Because many of its employees don’t earn the money required to have a nice Thanksgiving, or really live a decent life, they offer up some simple solutions for combating hunger and making the most of what you have.
By:Ian Fortey|November 20, 2013
Recently discovered in the rain forests of Suriname, the planthopper is one of 60 new species recently cataloged by people who go into jungles and say “anyone know what this is?”
By:Ian Fortey|November 19, 2013
Hey! Welcome back to Drunken Arguments. This feature hasn’t been on the site in ages, but I thought I’d dust it off just for you on account of right now, it’s about 11:37 PM and I’ve been drinking. So I have half the article written already!
By:Ian Fortey|November 14, 2013
Naming the worst comic book movie ever is no easy feat. Google it and you’ll find lists and the reason is two fold. One, people love lists. I will give you 9 reasons why tomorrow. Two, it’s hard to pick just one. The one single one that is worse than all the other ones.
By:Ian Fortey|November 13, 2013
Planning a vacation? Me neither but man do I want one. Most vacations are tragically disappointing with skuzzy hotels and Montezuma’s Revenge and women in bars who can’t speak the language well enough to verbally abuse you the way you like.
By:Ian Fortey|November 12, 2013
Thor 2 was a pretty fun movie, if somewhat devoid of a really gripping story. Dark Elves? Who the shit are these guys? And as King of everything, why is Odin such an obtuse twat? I dunno.
By:Ian Fortey|November 11, 2013
All the good movie news this week was about movies that aren’t out yet, like Star Wars and whatnot. But on the upside, the new Thor is here, that oughtta make a buttload of money, right? Right!
By:Ian Fortey|November 8, 2013
Everyone is pretty excited for the new Star Wars trilogy, just look in the mirror. Aren’t you excited? No need to answer, I already asserted that everyone was and that includes you. Until the movies actually get filmed, most of the excitement is now focused around casting. Initially people were pretty stoked to hear that some of the original cast was coming back, despite all being old and decrepit but, as JJ Abrams showed with Star Trek, he likes bringing back old, decrepit characters.
By:Ian Fortey|November 7, 2013
Now that Rob Ford has opened up about smoking crack, which he did in a drunken stupor that was so epic he doesn’t even remember it, he has decided this does not impair his ability to run Canada’s largest city, North America’s 4th largest city and the world’s 51st largest city. He will continue on as mayor and seek re-election next October.
By:Ian Fortey|November 6, 2013
Yesterday I read a headline that made me laugh and, without reading the story, I just made up what I assumed happened. I was way off, as it happens, but the real story was depressing and uninteresting.
By:Ian Fortey|November 5, 2013
Fleshlight is a finely named product, as are Rub My Duckies and Butt plugs, because they are plugs for your butt and that seems an accurate moniker. But if you have to name sex toys, you may as well have some fun with it.
By:Ian Fortey|November 4, 2013
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