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MTV’s Latest Reality Show Is About a Bunch of Losers Who Don’t Have Sex

I'd rather eat a carafe full of army ants than watch MTV's Virgin Territory.

By:|July 18, 2014


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Tracy McGrady’s Inspiring Story: Striking out One Guy and Then Quitting Baseball

Immediately after recording his first strikeout, ex-NBA star Tracy McGrady retired from baseball, which means he realized the ultimate Secret American Dream: doing something right once and then quitting while on top.

By:|July 18, 2014


green-day

Your Favorite Things are Old Now. Deal.

That pop record that defined your childhood? It's 25 years old this year! You know what else is 25 years old? Everybody born that year. That's right, everybody. 100% of the things that showed up 25 years ago are 25 years old this year: music, movies, people, animals, plants, books -- all 25 years old!

By:|July 16, 2014


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An Idiot’s Guide to Chicago Violence

Almost everyone that doesn't live in Chicago is wrong about it.

By:|July 16, 2014


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Please, Fellas, Enough With the “F*ck Her Right in the Pussy” Stuff Already

It's the meme equivalent of shouting insults at someone sitting at a bus stop from the passenger seat of a moving car, and it's actually a "viral hoax campaign." Are you proud of yourselves, you idiots?

By:|July 15, 2014


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Magic’s “Rude” is the Entitled Douchebag Anthem Robin Thicke Forgot to Write

On the surface, Magic's "Rude" is about guy who wants to marry a girl. At its heart though, lies pure selfishness. The guys asks his girlfriend's father for permission to marry his daughter. Dad says hell no, but because that wasn't the answer the singer wanted, he'll just ignore it and proceed as planned anyhow. That's a supreme dick move, no matter how much watered-down Burning Spear a guy records.

By:|July 11, 2014


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Kids Aren’t Hilariously Inappropriate. Crappy Photoshoppers Are.

Kids being accidentally inappropriate is a curiously viral thing. These little tykes are so gosh-darn innocent, and so ludicrously bad at spelling, whenever they try to write something cute, it comes out evil, sexual, or sexually evil. Problem: every one of these is pure fiction, spread by people who are convinced children are secretly evil and really want everybody to agree with them.

By:|July 10, 2014


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Great Failures from the Past: Mario is Missing

Bowser kidnaps Mario, and Luigi must save him. But not by murdering everything in his path while sliding down flagpoles and gathering power-ups that Bowser really should've removed beforehand: no, he did so by walking around various real-world cities, stepping on the occasional enemy like doing so's a mere afterthought, and collecting priceless artifacts that Bowser stole just to be even more of a douchebag.

By:|July 9, 2014


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‘Yoga Goddess’ Shows Off Her Contortion Skills, Throws Out Terrible First Pitch at Baseball Game

Look, you know we appreciate a good sexy contortion dance, but there's a time and a place for that sort of thing — generally late at night, after my wife has gone to sleep.

By:|July 9, 2014


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Three Movie Premises With Even Worse Pseudoscience than “Lucy”

No matter how good Lucy's story is, and no matter how soothing Morgan Freeman's voice may be, it all falls apart because the basic premise (we only use 10% of our brains!) is total bullshit. The writers, producers, and director have to know this, and yet gleefully ignore it because coke dealers don't accept facts as payment.

By:|July 8, 2014


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Sometimes, Shock Humor Isn’t Funny Simply Because It Sucks

One group that never gets attention because the "take a joke" brigade and the "apologize, scum!" faction won't stop squabbling: the "that joke sucked" crowd. Sometimes, jokes just plain aren't funny -- not because they're offensive, but because they're bad. At which point, "you don't have a sense of humor" ceases to work as an excuse.

By:|July 7, 2014


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The Tour de France Just Started, and It’s as Pointless as Ever

I'm genuinely confused as to why we're even bothering with the Tour de France anymore. A whole bunch of druggies get on their Huffys and ride around France until people tell them they can stop. And that's pretty much it. You can't even blame the World Cup for the lack of Tour de France coverage. You can blame the pointlessness of the Tour de France for the lack of Tour de France coverage.

By:|July 6, 2014


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Old Cell Phones Aren’t Better Than Smartphones, No Matter What Nostalgics Insist

Androids, iPhones, and Samsungs are mainstream, and this the backlash has begun: they're too big, they don't hit in your pocket, they're fragile, those apps suck away your money, etc. People are actually braying about how much better old Nokia and Motorola bricks are, because Huey Lewis was right -- it IS hip to be square.

By:|July 5, 2014


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Solving the LeBron James Free Agency Issue: Make Him Play Alone

LeBron's best option is to launch the LeBron City LeBrons, hire some intern to be the mascot, and get to work. No way the King couldn't handle 48 minutes a night, 90 points, and 65 rebounds, plus it would mean all the money and rings to himself. Even Kobe can't boast that.

By:|July 3, 2014


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4 Side Effects of Head and Shoulders Worse Than the One on Your Facebook Wall

Head and Shoulders of any kind is not to be trusted. In fact, they probably put that viral scam video out themselves, as a way to distract us from the terrible truth hiding behind their many products. If only life were as easy as a mere ugly growth on one's shoulder.

By:|June 30, 2014


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The EZ Baby Saver: The Stupidest Weapon Against Leaving Kids In Hot Cars Ever

How "colorful rubber" is supposed to equal "oh shit, that babbling ur-human I sired is getting toasty" is beyond me, and nobody can offer a decent answer. This is probably because they're too busy fawning over this supposed genius kid and his good intention invention.

By:|June 28, 2014


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Interviews with Workers Like Shane from Walmart (If They Were Actually Real)

A series of bulletin board warnings from the exasperated manager of "Shane from Walmart" have gone viral, even though his wacky insubordination is hopelessly, transparently fake. How do we know? Here's what would happen to irreverent jesters like "Shane" in real life.

By:|June 27, 2014


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17 Photos of Sexy Argentinian Soccer Fans

Life is good for the people of Argentina right now.

By:|June 26, 2014


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A Parapalegic Losing Part of His Penis is the Most Comically Sad Story Ever

Meet the latest case of a guy so sad you almost have no choice but to be glad you're not him. He's anonymous, and for good reason: he's suing a Quebec hospital for botched surgery on his penis that resulted in over an inch being lost. Also, he has no legs, because God loves us all etc. etc.

By:|June 25, 2014


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Twelve-Year-Old French Boy Fakes Kidnapping, Leads Police on One-Month Investigation to Avoid Dentist

I'm sure his chain-smoking, yellow-toothed, menage a trois-having parents are proud.

By:|June 24, 2014


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