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“Nah-uh, because the mouse would have been melted in the Mountain Dew!” Is The Worst Legal Argument Ever Presented To A Court

Mountian Dew Mouse

Do you know what BVO is? It’s a chemical additive found in limited quantities in sodas like Mountain Dew and Fanta. It’s added in to soda to give more consistent, more even flavor so every sip tastes the same. BVO is found mostly in sodas with citrus flavoring, which tends to not mix well with sugar and water.

It’s also a flame retardant and it’s banned in Japan and in all of Europe. And every time you drink a Mountain Dew, you drink BVO, because this is America, damn it! We like our sodas sugary, highly caffeinated, and to protect our organs against the all too real possibility of spontaneous combustion!

BVO, as it turns out, is good for other things, too. Like, for example, dissolving an entire mouse and turning it in to jelly, which is what PepsiCo is admitting BVO has the power to do. But let’s start little earlier in this story.

In 2009, Ronald Ball of Wisconsin put a dollar in to a soda vending machine. The Mountain Dew popped out of the slot and Ronald cracked it open and took a refreshing swig. Only, the swig of Dew wasn’t nearly as refreshing as Ronald had hopped. It tasted…funny. He couldn’t figure out why. So Ronald spit out the soda and found a dead mouse. A mouse that was dead. In his soda. And then in his mouth.

You may spew your projectile vomit on to the box provided below:

Spew Puke Here

 

As you would expect, Ronald sued PepsiCo to the tune of $50,000. To fight the case, PepsiCo cited the testimony from an expert who claims that BVO and another unnamed chemical in Mountain Dew would have dissolved the mouse in to a “jelly-like” substance; thus implying that Ronald is making it up and there was no mouse in the can because, hey, that shit would have turned in to a can of delectable citrus-mouse preserves if it were true!

This, folks, is possibly the worst argument in legal history. PepsiCo faced two options: 1) Look bad for accidentally canning a mouse in to a soda, or 2) look bad by admitting that your soda can dissolve flesh, muscle, and bone.

To me, this doesn’t sound like a tough call, from a business stand point. Go with option one and chalk the whole thing up to a factory mishap. It’s disgusting, shouldn’t be tolerated, but it’s ultimately understandable on some level. That level being, accidents like this happen and it’s excusable, as long as it doesn’t become a trend. Of course, PepsiCo should be held to a higher standard, but again, accidents happen. Just pay the guy off and toughen the sanitary codes in your factories.  Everybody goes home happy.

But no. PepsiCo went the other way with it. They tried to fight it, and they did so by kicking themselves in the dick. It’s like when you trip while crossing the street and in order to save yourself from embarrassment, you shit your pants. They got overly cocky with their “this guy is a liar!” mentality, and in order to prove their innocence they proved their guilt even more. To use another absurd and melodramatic analogy, it’s like being accused of littering and in an attempt to vindicate yourself, you tell everyone that there’s no way you could have littered because you were strangling nuns at the time of the littering.

At this point, whether or not there’s any truth to Ronald’s claim is beside the point. Now, all we can do is point and laugh at PepsiCo and their brilliant army of lawyers for incriminating themselves.

Everyone, please join me and my friend Nelson in a hearty, mocking laugh to celebrate unbridled stupidity. Nelson, the stage is yours…

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