In my capacity as a website editor, I’m sometimes offered products that the makers would like me to promote. Often I will turn down these offers because I can’t think of any way to spin duvet covers into an interesting article. But on a very rare occasion I get an offer I can’t refuse – like when the good people who make Fleshlights (that link is so NSFW) offered me a sample to review. And it wasn’t just a sample, it was 5 of them. I only have one set of genitalia (is it properly referred to as a set? I’m just referring to my dong), but now I have 5 Fleshlights, which makes me some kind of masturbatory Viking.
Thing is, I don’t wank all that often because it causes migraines and if I had too much sodium that day I’ll pass out and shit myself. Don’t judge me. So instead of simply working my noodle with these generously offered items, I figured I’d see if I could find room for them somewhere else in my life.
As luck would have it, my showerhead suffered a tragic accident after an impromptu session as a would-be bidet. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but resulted in a quick trip to a walk-in clinic and a cracked shower head that refused to do anything more than dribble water like Thunderbird running from the mouth of a semi-catatonic hobo passed out behind an Outback Steakhouse.
Seeing an opportunity, I figured I’d give the Fleshlight a spin. For those not aware, beyond the rubbery vagina of a Fleshlight is the handle; kind of a long, terrifying rubbery tail. And it has a hole. The reason for that hole should be self explanatory but if it’s not, remember, you asked for an explanation – it’s to allow for adequate removal of all…fluids. But it also allows you to jam your shower hose in the end to see what happens.
Observations:If you’ve never seen a vaguely flesh tone, disembodied vagina firing hot water at you and wriggling about in your tub, you haven’t lived.
Ever tried to eat a hot dog without a bun and ended up killing several locals? That’s what you get you inconsiderate prick. So in order to sidestep that terrible issue with future wieners, I figured I’d try my hand at a Fleshlight dog. Sound disgusting? Ha ha…yes. But the bigger issue is which Fleshlight is best suited for weiner grasping? The vag? The mouth? The ass? Man, I’m in over my head.
Observations: It’s remarkably secure, yet extremely offputting. I chose the ass because as far as I understand it, that’s what hot dogs are made from. Things were working out like gangbusters until my dog ate it. Next.
Have you ever had a fish and then, maybe a week later, questioned what the hell you were thinking? Fish are the ultimate animal rights animals, because while you can make a case for keeping a dog – it’s playful, loyal, warm and fuzzy, there is no equivalent for a fish. With a dog you can walk it, play games with it, clean its shit off the ground with a bag wrapped around your hand as though you were some kind of subservient immigrant being humiliated by his employer, all kinds of things. Fish? You wait until the amount of urine in its water because so great you need to change it, then the process starts over again. Having a pet fish is so close to actually witnessing the grim hand of death come visit you it boggles the mind why so many people do it.
Since having a real fish enlightens your life in no way whatsoever beyond the addition of the smell of stagnant water and brine shrimp, I figured a little synthetic flesh fish floating around in the tank would be just as enriching, and I wouldn’t have the vague odor of fish dook permeating my home
Observations: Well, it’s a fake vagina, so not much happens. It sits there and doesn’t stink. I’m calling this a win.
Anyone born between 1970 and 1990 better be damn well aware that nunchucks are the most awesome weapon of all time, and that includes bazookas. Any decent kung fu movie includes at least one nunchucks show off scene, where the dude stands there spinning them and for whatever reason people give him that 20 seconds of grace time to show boat rather than just aiming a gun at his face and shooting him right in it. Right in the face. That’ll show him. Anyway, I tied some strings to the Fleshlights and tried to make nunchucks.
Observations: You shouldn’t need me to tell you what a stupid idea this was, but I did nearly break a clock and I smashed my knee pretty good. Shoulda taken them out of the holsters or whatever first. On an unrelated note, did you ever call them numchucks when you were a kid? Dumbass.
Every party needs a balloon, they bring the fun at all times or some shit like that. That’s probably what people who work at balloon factories tell themselves. They have balloon factories, right? That’s gotta be right up there with plunger factories and personal assistant to Jimmy Fallon. Can you even imagine? Shit….man, that brought this whole article down a bit. I’m sorry. Here’s a picture of a mouth you’re supposed to put your weiner in, blown up like a balloon.
Observations: As you can see, the faux flesh of these wank jackets is really forgiving and can handle quite the blowout, which I like to think has really saved the day for someone, somewhere, somehow. I can’t quite imagine what kind of jack off mishap would be averted by virtue of a really elastic wanking device, but I can only assume there is one and if it happens to you, you’re going to breathe a sigh of relief that you chose to use a real Fleshlight and not some Sri Lankan knockoff that would explode and pluck your eye from your skull like a hungry raven.
You can only stare at a rubbery mouth in a can for so long before you get the idea to hit the dollar store and buy some googly eyes. Two minutes later and you’ve got yourself a wicked “S’alright? Salright!” partner that trumps talking to your worthless fist any day of the week. I’m not afraid to admit, I did this for a solid half hour and laughed the entire time.
Observations: Honestly, out of all the things I’ve tried so far, this seems the most soul satisfying. Showerhead is great and all, but people are bound to ask questions if they come for a visit. The hot dog thing is going to lead to charges from the SPCA. But this? I bet I could take this in public and at least ¾ of people wouldn’t have any idea how disgusting I was for bringing this in public.
I considered filming some video for this, but I can’t justify the waste of bandwidth. I know the internet is made of virtual real estate, but I can’t help but think I’d be bumping aside some fledgling porno if I videotaped myself playing a fake vag like a tuba. So sans video, I can assure you that, if you fill this with air party balloon style, you can then pinch off the end and work out some guttural grunts and groans that sound a bit like animal mating calls.
Observations: Wouldn’t it have been cool if I actually managed to attract a moose or some shit? Probably not, those things are dangerous in real life. Plus this mostly sounds like a meat curtainy balloon farting itself into a flaccid state. Still, it’s hard not to laugh the first couple of times. It’s a big cooter with a tail making farty sounds. That’s comedy you can take to the bank.
Doorbells have their place, but there’s something classy about a door knocker. The problem is most people have lame ass door knocks, they’re just droopy tit shaped and really don’t do much for the overall knocking experience. One time, I saw a door knocker shaped like a pair of nuts, and that was kind of cool, but at the same time I felt weird grabbing hold of them and banging them against a little metal plate. I mean, really. Fortunately, a rubbery orifice hanging from your door is much more welcoming.
Observations: God, isn’t that majestic? Really brings the whole front of the place together. The downside here is that when you try to employ the knocker, it just makes a slappy, squishy sound, the way I imagine a severed penis would sound if you threw it at the door. Or like a raw steak or whatever.
This one came together really easily, thanks to the weiner stank that was still on the fleshlight from the previous experiment. I left it on the table and the dog knocked it down and made off with it. Right now, in my closet, I have a pink, rubber asshole with dog teeth marks in it. Some day that’s going to cause me no end of embarrassment.
Observations: My dog really loves wieners and is not above going hog wild on a fake asshole to get them.
Monster Wang Prosthetic
It’s hard not to notice how dildonic this whole beast is once it’s out of the can. Naturally I figured why not use it to compensate for my groinal inadequacies? So I jammed it in my pants.
Mostly though it made me look like I had a gunt, which wasn’t what I was aiming for exactly. This lead me to plan B.
If I tried, I bet I could have got my whole hand in there. Check and mate.