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10 New Mortal Kombat Characters for the Next MK Sequel

MK characters

Mortal Kombat is all the rage these days with the young ‘uns and their video machines, so let’s celebrate that.  If there’s one thing MK is known for, it’s preposterous animated murders.  But if there’s another thing, it’s a huge cast of characters, most of whom shop at the same store – how embarrassing!

With the release of the new Mortal Kombat it seems like the crew behind the game are going to have their hands full thinking up new ways to exploit interest and make a buck on the title and that means new characters who are awesome and unique and may or may not dress exactly like half the characters already in the game.  To that end, Holy Taco offers its video game design expertise and these kick ass new characters for the inevitable next iteration of the franchise along with their finishing moves and happy, non-lethal Friendships.

Mr. Mojo

A voodoo priest who uses a patchwork, Wikipedia-level understanding of voodoo to destroy his enemies

Fatality:  The Big Easy – Mr. Mojo convinces a throng of girls at Mardi Gras to flash their boobs at you.  While you’re distracted he chokes you out with dollar store necklaces.

Friendship: The Big Easier – Same as above, minus the garroting.

Nektard

From somewhere beyond Outworld comes this undead warrior who wields some kind of sharp and unusually inappropriate weapons.  Also, he controls hummingbirds via a substance that leaks out of his head wounds causing them to become his bloodthirsty minions.

Fatality: Nectar Harvest – Hummingbird hordes attack and drain the blood from their foe.

Friendship: Nektard creates an adorable planter for snapdragons that you can put on your windowsill.

Shaneequa

She’s sassy and surly and has black belts in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, tae kwon do and gunkata.  She’s also terribly underdressed and hails from Detroit.

Fatality: Oh No You Didn’t! – Shaneequa whips her head away form you causing her weave to lash out and decapitate you.

Friendship: Girlfriend! – Shaneequa puts your number into her iPhone.

Zero


Unknown 3rd brother of the two original Sub-Zeros, Zero never studied all that hard and, as a result, can freeze stuff, but just barely and if it’s not refrigerated immediately it’s just going to get sloppy and wet pretty quick.

Fatality: The Hip-Breaker – Zero makes the ground very dangerous and slushy to the point that your risk of a fall is extremely high.

Friendship: The Snow Cone – Zero makes you a snow cone in your choice of red, blue or purple.

Bluto

He’s a fat guy who hates sailors.  But he is a sailor. It’s a highly complex backstory.

Fatality: The Spinach Bitch – Bluto jams a can of spinach up your ass.

Friendship: The Oiled Olive – This is a disgusting pun.

Amphibian

frog man

The long lost brother of Reptile, Amphibian is a slimy ninja in khaki who will dry out in a desert environment but has a warrior spirit and can hold his breath for a really long time. Ladies…

Fatality: The Frog Leg – Amphibian kicks a hole straight through your torso.

Friendship: Kissing the Prince – Amphibian tongue kisses you.  Tongue kisses you real good.

Pakpoa Som

thai waiter

Part time Thai waiter and Muay Thai fighter who invented his own martial art.  Also his own curry recipe.

Fatality: Pad-Ass Thai – Pakpoa bathes you in a searing hot peanut sauce causing a wicked bad allergic reaction.

Friendship: Thai One On – Pakpoa prepare some delicious, crispy Fresh Rolls for you.  Low cal!

Jasper

englishman

A spry, English chap with a quick wit and a quicker walking stick who may or may not have once out drank and Irishman.

Fatality: Bangers and Mash – Jasper force feeds you English cooking until your internal organs shut down.

Friendship: Tea Time – Jasper prepares a delightful scone and some wonderful toffee.

Chunk-E

robot

An outdated prototype of Sektor; a somewhat overweight cyborg warrior.

Fatality:  The Fan Boy – Like any overweight cyborg, Chunk-E will bore you to death with stories of how he read the original draft for Kevin Smith’s Superman and it would have been way more awesome than Superman Returns.

Friendship: Chunk-E Ahoy! – Chunk-E shares his cookies with you.  Not evenly, but you can have one or two.

Silverstein

Hailing from the same Special Forces team as Jax and Sonya, Silverstein’s specialty is linguistics.  He can speak Farsi and Dutch and will somehow use those to kill you.

Fatality: The Tongue Twister – Silverstein speaks Dutch at you until you die.  This is no dumber than Jax as a character.

Friendship: Language of Love – Silverstein writes you a lovely poem in Italian.

2 Responses to "10 New Mortal Kombat Characters for the Next MK Sequel"

  1. Leo says:

    good stuff

  2. a guy can dream says:

    atleast im not the only person who noticed they all look the fuckin same shitty game anyways