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10 New Sex Positions for a New You

Have you been paying attention to the calendar?  December 21st is fast approaching and, if people who breathe through their mouths when they think are to be believed, that’s the last day of existence.  No shit.  The Mayans, a race of people who really enjoyed chocolate, worshipped forest animals and didn’t see their near total extinction at the hands of the Spanish penciled in on any calendars apparently did pencil in the end of the world and this is it, kids.  It all comes to a head just before Christmas.  What a kick in the jimmies.

Given that we have a few months to prepare, it’s as good a time as any for you to make yourself and cram in as much life as you can before it’s snuffed out by, you know, whatever.  I’m going to guess Quetzelcoatl but don’t hold me to that.  It’s just as likely a steaming load of jack shit will happen that day.  But if a winged lightning serpent does come to devour earth, you better hope you got your hump on.

Because you only have so much time left you need to start acting and, of course, with there being no point whatsoever in collecting Earthly, material goods, you better collect the only thing that matters – ass.  But with billions of other people primed ot get some pre-Apocalypse ass, how are you going to stand out in a crowd?  New positions, that’s how.

Holy Taco is about nothing if not getting you laid (apparently) so follow our advice and you’re going to shuffle off this mortal coil like a playa.

The Spirit of St Louis

A terribly tricky maneuver that will require some Kegel exercises on everyone’s part, to recreate the feeling of flight that very first time, someone is going to have to be spun like a propeller and there’s no sense worrying about aerodynamics.  This could potentially done while the body of the plane is standing, but then youll really need some epic weiner strength.

The Fiddler

Modeled after the mighty fiddler crab, this will require one part crouching with an arm raised and wrapped around your partner while they mount you sideways and the two of you shuffle about in jerky, lateral movements.

The Human Centipede

Requires at least two friends to master and an open mind.

Baby Beluga

Requires a half full bathtub that’s slightly too small to lay down in fully, and a certain flexibility to allow both of you to be on all fours, facing forward with arched backs as you crest the waves.

Spiderman’s Descent

Requires some hooks secured to the ceiling capable of holding your weight, and some bungee cords attached to them.  Ideally spread at twice arms length, Spiderman must hold the bungee cords while his partner is face down and ready to be saved from the Goblin.  Just, you know, Spiderman tends to bounce in place is all.

Thunderdome

Two balls enter, one ball leaves.  Then the other one, after a second.

The Slattern’s Lament

Against a wall in a cold shower for no more than 5 minutes as you attempt to recreate the romance of doing it in an alley with a stranger and not wanting to stop just because it’s raining.

The Chameleon’s Eye

Requires partners to be facing totally opposite directions and some degree of flexibility.

Slipping to Infinity

Set up a Slip n Slide on a fairly long set of stairs.  Choose the coital position that you feel is most conducive to sliding down stairs at the top, then have at it.

Flash Job

Requires a group of likeminded participants who, at the appointed time, all break into “spontaneous” sex in the mall foodcourt.

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