There are few things more uncomfortable than flying on a plane across the country. Here are the 10 types of people that will make your uncomfortable cross-country flight even crappier:
The Fat Guy
The Fat Guy seems like the most cliche bad air travel companion ever, but then again, you've never been on an airplane that didn't have a fat guy on it. I'm not just talking overweight, either. I'm talking about the guy who, if he can manage to fit himself into a single airplane seat, has to ask for the Seatbelt Extender so that he can buckle up. I'm still trying to figure out how that guy goes home and eats dinner, only hours after having to request a seatbelt extender so that he could fit onto a plane safely.
The Chatty Person Who Can't Speak English
I'm all for people being social. I enjoy a decent conversation with a stranger as much as the next guy, but if you don't speak a word of english, then it's probably best that we just don't try to talk about your vacation and your kids and stuff like that. You can say "entiendes?" as much as you want, but there's no way I'm going to entiendes you any better after the six hour flight than I did before it. Just let it go.
The Semi-Attractive Woman
It seems like really super-hot chicks never fly on planes. While there may not be one of those to gawk at for the six hour flight, there's bound to be at least one woman on your flight that's semi-attractive. After you're in your seat and the other passengers are still filing in, you'll inevitably start thinking about disaster scenarios, and what roles each of these people would play if the plane crashed in the middle of the ocean or something. Who would carry the conch shell? Who would start fires with their glasses and then get their head bashed in with a rock? The semi-attractive woman is the one that you'd totally bang if you had to. You never know when some ball lightning might take out one of the plane's engine and force it into a crash-landing scenario, so you may as well flirt with her a little to lay some groundwork, just in case.
The Questions Guy
It's easy to get this guy confused with "Guy Who Has Been Blind For His Entire Life Until This Morning", because the Questions Guy acts like he's never seen anything before in his life. He has to call a flight attendant to ask what all the buttons do. Then he has to call her to ask how to get the blanket out of the plastic bag that it comes in. Then he has to ask where the headphones plug in, how the tray table comes down, and whether or not you can open the window. It's like you're sitting next to Radio, except this guy seems slightly more retarded, and you're automatically guilty by association, just because you're seated next to him.
The Person With The Baby
Babies are brutally honest. If a baby is in an uncomfortable situation, like a plane ride, for example, the kid is going to let you know how much they hate it. The only problem is that they can't use words yet, so the way they tell you they don't like something is by screaming bloody f*cking murder for 6 straight hours, and the parents just think it's adorable that their child is freaked out at the idea of being encapsulated in a tin can at 30,000 feet. If you're sitting next to this person, you'd better have some Death Metal on your ipod, because it's the only music that can be accentuated by a child screaming its balls off in the background.
The Old Person
Old people always smell like shit covered in dust. Always. I don't like standing next to shit covered in dust, let alone sitting in a confined space with it for hours on end and listening to it wheeze and cough and sip a ginger ale through its nasty old teeth and then mumble something about its teeth hurting from the cold of it, even though you know they're fake teeth, and then dabbing its fake teeth with the complimentary blanket and then blowing its nose on the blanket and then placing the old-person-snot-covered blanket on the arm rest in between the two of you.
The Pilot
Hopefully there will be a pilot on your flight. If there's not, then you should start worrying. If there is a pilot, then you're probably not going to die on this flight. You will, however, be forced to listen to him talk at length about the tiniest, most insignificant bullshit details of his job that you couldn't give a shit about. If the takeoff is delayed by 5 minutes, he'll be sure to keep you informed of what the problem is (and he'll speak technically, not in layman's terms), who told him what the problem was, who told that guy to tell him what the problem was, and who he told to tell something to that guy about after that guy told him. He'll also be sure to interrupt your nap periodically to point out really interesting landmarks, like The Texas Panhandle, and Kansas City. I wish his radio was two way, because somebody needs to tell him that nobody f*cking cares.
The Smelly Guy
This guy is different than The Fat Guy, in that his body is not trying to osmose you and your seat. The Smelly Guy is not easily distinguished from a distance, which makes him dangerous because he could be anyone. You'll know you've found him when you find yourself within a five foot radius of his body, because suddenly it smells like somebody shit a dead possum into a bucket of week-old piss and thai food vomit. His 3-day-old B.O. could be due to a general lack of hygiene, but it's most likely due to the fact that he's been traveling on an airplane for a really long time, meaning that by the end of this trip, you could be somebody else's Smelly Guy. Try not to let that happen.
The Bitchy Flight Attendant
Sexy flight attendants are to the real world was dry land was to Waterworld: a myth. As much as we all want it to be a super-cute young babe handing us a tiny can of orange juice, it's always going to be a middle aged woman who looks like she may have been cute at one point, but then she chain smoked for 10 years straight, shriveled up, maybe got hit by a car or two, and decided not to get that long-overdue nosejob that she'd been dreaming of for so long. She should have gotten it, and she knows it. That's why she's going to take every opportunity she gets to be a snooty bitch. She hates her job, and why shouldn't she? It seems like a pretty shitty job. You're just walking up and down a row in a stupid outfit giving peanuts to fatties. It's just like being Jessica Simpson's personal assistant, except that job probably pays more.
The Prisoner
This seems like a weird one to be on a list of frequent flyers, but in our extensive traveling experiences this past weekend, we saw more than the standard amount of people in handcuffs being escorted via airplane. Surprisingly, The Prisoner will actually be much more pleasant than most of the other air travelers that you'll encounter, because he's just happy to be outside of a cell for a few hours, getting some fresh air and being not raped for a while. He'll be pretty chatty with the large, scary guys who are escorting him, and he may even talk to other people if they let him. Be careful, though: he's going to tell you his entire life story, and he's going to be brutally honest about it. Try not to piss him off, either, because he's already going to jail, so he's not hesitant about attacking someone who pushes him to far. For example, don't tell him you're going to write an internet article about him where you mention that he gets raped in prison. He will not like that at all.
I've never really thought it over, but other than the prisoner I've seen them all. You mentioned babies, but what about the kids that CAN talk, and tell their parents, and EVERYONE ELSE on the plain how "bored" they are,.. or hungry, or tired, or sick, or,.... run up and down the aisle, or kick the back of your chair,... unfortunately they DO exist,.. and they suck!
What about the Guy terrified of flying. Thats me. Basically i hold on for dear life and if anyone so much as complains about the temperature I fucking punch them in the face and tell them to shut the fuck up for the rest of the flight
Not sure how the white knuckling helps. If the plane is going to hurl into the side of a mountain at 375 MPH, you're pretty much fucked regardless of how hard you dig your fingernails into your seat.
See the thing is, if I have car trouble I can pull over and call for assistance, even if the engine just flat-out dies. In a plane, this is not so much an option at 30,000 feet. I can relate to the apprehension
Get over it, nothing is going to change it's public transportation not private, if you don't care for any of the above listed don't take public transportation take you're own.
Holy Taco needs to come out with a list of 25 "semi-attractive" women.... They'd probably be hotter than most of the skanks they post in the other lists...
How bout the too much perfume lady, she's usually fat and trying to hide her body stench. Its three birds with one stone. Which leads you/me to become the sick guy after 2 hours.
Whoever wrote this piece of shit obviously didn't feel like putting forth the effort needed to create an actual set of jokes and, instead, spent the majority of each paragraph writing extremely elongated sentences (much like this one) in a shameful and lazy attempt to meet their 1400-word quota.
(66 Comments)
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October 27th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I AM FIRST
October 27th, 2009 at 10:35 am
aren't you lucky
October 29th, 2009 at 04:14 pm
You know when you type "first" as a comment, you usually are last in the real world.
November 7th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
whoa, that shit was DEEEEEEP
November 8th, 2009 at 03:54 pm
I'm too high for this shit. Did ya'll see those crop circles?
Were doomed.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:34 am
You forgot to mention the dead guy in the casket in the hold.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Stanks on a plane! = http://bit.ly/9yKsH
October 27th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I've never really thought it over, but other than the prisoner I've seen them all. You mentioned babies, but what about the kids that CAN talk, and tell their parents, and EVERYONE ELSE on the plain how "bored" they are,.. or hungry, or tired, or sick, or,.... run up and down the aisle, or kick the back of your chair,... unfortunately they DO exist,.. and they suck!
October 27th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
This shits gone downhill.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
What about the Guy terrified of flying. Thats me. Basically i hold on for dear life and if anyone so much as complains about the temperature I fucking punch them in the face and tell them to shut the fuck up for the rest of the flight
October 27th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Me too. I've only been on a plane twice (There and back) and it was white knuckle all the way.
Nice LOTF refernce, Holy Taco. Keep it up, it makes up for all the "Super Hot Babes" lists.
October 28th, 2009 at 03:42 pm
you guys are a couple of twats
October 28th, 2009 at 07:16 pm
fucking PUSSIES.
October 29th, 2009 at 04:19 am
Not sure how the white knuckling helps. If the plane is going to hurl into the side of a mountain at 375 MPH, you're pretty much fucked regardless of how hard you dig your fingernails into your seat.
October 29th, 2009 at 09:16 am
You are way more likely to die in the car on your way to the airport than during the flight.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I know, but to my credit I was in 5th grade at the time. (Still won't get me back on a plane though.)
October 31st, 2009 at 08:41 pm
See the thing is, if I have car trouble I can pull over and call for assistance, even if the engine just flat-out dies. In a plane, this is not so much an option at 30,000 feet. I can relate to the apprehension
October 27th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Get over it, nothing is going to change it's public transportation not private, if you don't care for any of the above listed don't take public transportation take you're own.
October 27th, 2009 at 03:40 pm
Only douche bags with oversized ego's have their own planes
October 29th, 2009 at 01:00 am
fix your grammar, idiots.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
yea dumbass
October 27th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
nice lord of the flies reference
October 27th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Dude that chick in your moderatly attractiv women was hotter then you give her credit.
October 28th, 2009 at 05:05 am
Swish!
October 28th, 2009 at 07:05 am
agreed. She was pretty cute actually
October 28th, 2009 at 09:45 am
Holy Taco needs to come out with a list of 25 "semi-attractive" women.... They'd probably be hotter than most of the skanks they post in the other lists...
November 5th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
WORD
October 27th, 2009 at 01:59 pm
the questions guy was hillarious; oh and "Bear" is a fucking douchebag.
October 27th, 2009 at 02:07 pm
nice lol
October 27th, 2009 at 02:22 pm
You forgot the guy who is sick or gets sick.
October 27th, 2009 at 02:28 pm
You forgot the idiot in front of you who leans his chair into your lap aaaannnnddddd the idiot behind you kicking your chair.
October 27th, 2009 at 03:21 pm
How bout the too much perfume lady, she's usually fat and trying to hide her body stench. Its three birds with one stone. Which leads you/me to become the sick guy after 2 hours.
October 27th, 2009 at 03:24 pm
what about the hungover guy that smells like stale boose?...oh wait thats me.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
LOL OMG THAT WAS HILARIOUS...not
October 27th, 2009 at 03:26 pm
What the FUCK was this?!?
October 27th, 2009 at 04:07 pm
I think the semi-attractive woman in the picture is way to attractive to be the semi-attractive woman...
October 27th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
2nd picture, wasn't that the fag from the Leno show
October 28th, 2009 at 01:59 am
what about the whore that gives handjobs in the back of the plane?
October 29th, 2009 at 04:23 am
...And the name of the airline you fly is?!?
October 28th, 2009 at 03:20 am
hyperbole can kill comedy pretty quickly
October 28th, 2009 at 04:22 am
Whoever wrote this piece of shit obviously didn't feel like putting forth the effort needed to create an actual set of jokes and, instead, spent the majority of each paragraph writing extremely elongated sentences (much like this one) in a shameful and lazy attempt to meet their 1400-word quota.
Haste makes waste, Holy Taco. Remember that.
October 28th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
We don't have word quotas. We just choose to write extremely elongated sentences for the fun of it.
October 28th, 2009 at 10:23 am
hot to make air travel more tolerable:
dont allow mexicans,arabs,indians, and lastly niggers into the plane
not to mention fat ugly pieces of shit who smell like dried dog vomit
problem solved
October 28th, 2009 at 07:18 pm
So ... you're a bus man, then?
October 29th, 2009 at 09:26 am
You forgot to leave out the fucking jews on the plane you racist twat. Jews suck.
October 29th, 2009 at 01:14 pm
I'm not a gambling man, but I bet that "jewish guy" isn't. Duh!
November 1st, 2009 at 10:32 am
the name implies what I'm trying to say....
October 28th, 2009 at 01:55 pm
THIS WAS HILARIOUS, GOOD WORK GUYS.
October 29th, 2009 at 09:31 am
Fly on an Asian airline. Being smoking hot is a requirement of all flight attendants.
Or fly on a non-union airline. They tend to have younger, hotter workforces.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
or fly Southwest where they are all fat homos.
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