Dear Fat Guys Of The World,
Now that Sarah Silverman is back on the market after her breakup with famous tubster Jimmy Kimmel, you will finally have your chance to get a piece of that (no, not that sandwich over there.). She’s feeling neglected and needy and since you already know she likes tubby guys, this means you might actually have a chance with her.
Here are a few classic pickup lines that are tailored to help all those fat guys out there get a date Sarah, even though she’s way out of your league. (Having a TV show might help, too.)
10. Is that a cheeseburger in your pants? If so, I would like to get into your pants to get to that cheeseburger.
9. Are you busy tonight at 3:00 AM? Because I think Taco Bell is still open then. We could get some chalupas.
8. Did you fall from heaven? Because you could totally land on me and be OK because I’m fat.
7. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? And also the lard factory because I’ll be going there A LOT.
6. Where have you been all my life? I know it’s not McDonald’s or Wendy’s or Arby’s or Hardee’s or White Castle or Kenny Rogers Roasters…cause that’s where I usually hang out.
5. Your dad must’ve been a baker, because you’ve got a nice set of buns…and I’d like to put my hot dog between them. That’s not a sexual innuendo. I carry a package of hot dogs with me wherever I go.
4. There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn’t have your number in it. It only has the number to Dominos, Pizza Hut, and the Crisco factory.
3. Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars and put them in your eyes. He also stole my spare mayonnaise packets.
2. If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.” If you were a burrito, you’d be set on “eat.”
1. Do you want to go out sometime? Do you have a cheesesteak?
Other crap to look at:
Dorismar is babe of the day (doubleviking)
Rebecca Tysnes is attractive (gorillamask)
Brooke Hogan is not so attractive (drunkenstepfather)
The best political bloopers (comedy.com)
MMA fighter knocked out by cartwheel (cameltap)
What’s the drinking age at Wrigley Field? (tastybooze)
Nell McAndrew in lingerie (hornyoyster)