With yet another Mortal Kombat game coming out around Christmas, we thought we’d propose a few characters from real life that we feel would be much harder to kill than Sub Zero.
5. PSYCHO EX-GIRLFRIEND vs. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BOSS
STRENGTHS: She can get you drunk without you even knowing it, and a successful seduction will reaffirm her belief that “you’re soulmates, thus regenerating her strength.
WEAKNESS: Her strength comes from your happiness, so as long as you remain miserable and lonely, she’ll have no fuel for her rage. Avoid socializing with other players, being successful in the game, and do NOT date any other fighters.
FINISH HIM MOVE: She’ll key the shit out of your car, causing you to waste your remaining health by screaming and yelling in an empty parking lot late at night.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BOSS
STRENGTHS: When your power meter is high, he shouts a backhanded compliment towards you that causes you to go into a short funk where you question the functionality of your skills.
WEAKNESS: If you’re able to start some nasty rumors about how you saw him looking at child pornography in the office, his strength meter will rise for a short time, but soon his nerves will get the best of him, and he’ll bow out of the competition or get disqualified when the rumors turn out to be true.
FINISH HIM MOVE: He paralyzes you with inner-office memos and emails, then shatters your soul by saying “I used to be just like you over and over
4. DRUNKEN FRAT GUY vs. HIPSTER
DRUNKEN FRAT GUY
STRENGTHS: His go to move consists of pointing to an area behind you and saying “Check out that beer pong table me and my bros made”, then when your head is turned his go-to fingerbanging hand becomes electrified and unleashes a barrage of roofies towards your mouth.
WEAKNESS: His drunken state causes him to move slowly, allowing you to deliver a swift knee to his groin if you can get past his attempts at making you shotgun a beer.
FINISH HIM MOVE: He turns your lifeless body over and videotapes himself having anal sex with you. Then shows the movie to the crowd.
STRENGTHS: When faced with a dangerous situation he calls upon a wall of his parents money that effectively blocks out any chance of a real struggle.
WEAKNESS: His complete absence of athleticism leaves him open to objects thrown in his direction, no matter how softly they approach him.
FINISH HIM MOVE: He reads a compendium of short stories he’s written that have no linear narrative until finally your head explodes.
3. EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE DAD vs. BAND OF HISPANIC IMMIGRANTS
EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE DAD
STRENGTHS: No affection can get through his impenetrable forcefield made up of stale beer and silent car rides home from baseball practice.
WEAKNESS: His heart of stone and the 12-pack of Milwaukee’s Best he had for dinner cause his stamina levels to deplete rapidly.
FINISH HIM MOVE: He pretends to hug you, but actually just reaches for another beer.
BAND OF HISPANIC IMMIGRANTS
STRENGTHS: Their sheer numbers make them difficult to fight. If you manage to get one, hundreds more get past you before you have a chance to react.
WEAKNESS: Due to their origin, they have to send the majority of their special moves home to their family.
FINISH HIM MOVE: They call your boss and let him know that they’ll do your job for one-third your salary.
2. STAY AT HOME MOM vs. TELEMARKETER
STAY AT HOME MOM
STRENGTH: If you’re experiencing any sort of success she’ll send an SUV tractor beam to pull you towards her, then she’ll unleash a guilt trip by telling you that you don’t love her anymore and that you’ve forgotten about her, which will take most of your power to break free from.
WEAKNESS: If you manage to avoid her attacks long enough, she’ll become bored and fall back into her addiction to anti-depressants that will slow her enough to provide you with a chance to attack.
FINISH HIM MOVE: She pulls you into her endless story of all the chores she does and how no one pays attention to her because they just take her for granted and if she died her family wouldn’t even notice and her life is empty of all meaning. At that point you give up the will to fight and just pray for death.
STRENGTHS: His Golden wireless headset allows him to disrupt whatever you’re doing at the most inoppurtune moments.
WEAKNESS: If you have enough strength on your power meter, string him along in a conversation that becomes counterproductive. This will zap all his strength and allow you to finish him off.
FINISH HIM MOVE: He talks you through several different long distance phone plans even though you continue to object and tell him you’re about to eat dinner. Finally your body becomes emaciated and you die of starvation.
1. STEREOTYPICAL ASIAN TOURIST vs. SWEATY PERVERT UNCLE
STEREOTYPICAL ASIAN TOURIST:
STRENGTHS: He has an insane amount of energy and a backpack full of gadgets and gizmos. His family members have also visited previous installments of the game and taken millions of pictures and video, so he’s already familiar with the competition.
WEAKNESS: Ask him a question in English and he’ll immediately become bewildered and confused. Keep trying to establish direct eye-contact to make him even more uncomfortable. Then, having shamed his family, he will destroy himself.
FINISH HIM MOVE: After blinding you with camera flashes, he’ll explain in broken English that he created this video game. Then he’ll go back into the programming code and wipe you from existence by erasing your profile, top scores, and unlocked moves.
SWEATY PERVERT UNCLE
STRENGTHS: If he can get you into a corner by yourself, he’ll tell you a story about fishing that will devolve into him taking your shirt off, creating a deep repressed memory that makes your response time slow on most attack combinations.
WEAKNESS: His sweatiness allows you to slip out of his grasp and alert authorities, which renders him unable to fight until he can create an acceptable lie that explains his behavior.
FINISH HIM MOVE: He tricks you into thinking he’s brought over a copy of Finding Nemo that actually turns out to be a porno called “Finding Nemo’s Butthole.” The shame and humiliation you feel causes your soul to leave your body.