December 1st is World AIDS Day. In theory, this is a comedy site, so just to be clear, there’s nothing funny about the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Sure, in a different context, a few of the main methods of transmission have some comedic value, but that’s besides the point. The disease killed 16.6 million people last year. Perhaps that’s what makes these attempts at spreading AIDS awareness so frustrating. For the most part, everyone’s heart is in the right place, but how in the hell do you expect people to take your message seriously when it’s coming from Kim Kardashian or Walker, Texas Ranger?
With that in mind, here are ten ridiculous attempts to promote HIV/AIDS awareness.
Kim Kardashian is Dead!
Let’s start with the pictures at the top of the post. Kim Kardashian is dead! Lady Gaga is dead! Ryan Seacrest is dead! When I first saw these pics, all I could think was "hooray!" For a split second, I even felt guilty, thinking I was responsible because my prayers had been answered. Then, I glanced over at my girlfriend’s breasts, and I realized this was not the case.
As it turns out, these celebrities were only pretending to be dead to raise awareness for keepachildalive.org (donate now, you bum), an organization that helps African AIDS Orphans. That’s a nice cause, and it seems to be getting a lot of publicity, but even so, couldn’t they have picked celebrities that people don’t actually want to die? Was Tom Hanks busy? And should Kim Kardashian, a glorified pornographer who inspired at least one girl to join the porn industry, really be involved with an AIDS campaign? Jesus, look at the picture of her in a coffin. She can’t even correctly pretend she’s dead.
Superheroes with AIDS
Yeah, I know that AIDS can affect anyone, and I appreciate the effort. But realistically, it seems like a real waste of resources to target the comic-book crowd. What they don’t spend on comics is blown on videogames and trading cards, so it’s not like they can afford to inject heroine. As for sexual transmission…make your own joke. Although, I suppose there is always the chance that some collectors would turn a trick for Detective Comics #27.
Hitler Gives You AIDS
Last year, some Germans got the bright idea to launch an AIDS awareness campaign featuring everybody’s favorite genocidal murderer, Adolf Hitler. The result was this disturbing NSFW video. I get it. Hitler killed lots of people. AIDS kills lots of people. AIDS is bad. Hitler is bad. It all makes sense on paper. But seeing the finished product didn’t really make me think about AIDS. It made me think about how Hitler managed to plow such a hot chick. And how did der Führer get to be such a tiger in the sack? Look at her! She’s loving it! F*ck you, Hitler, you lucky asshole. I hate you.
A Very Special "Captain Planet"
Even when I was a kid, I hated this show. Looking back, I remember why. I turn on cartoons to laugh, not to have a team of multicultural eco-freaks yell at me for not wanting to play basketball with the HIV-infected kid. I didn’t even want to play basketball with the healthy kids, which is why I was inside, trying to watch cartoons. At any rate, screw you, Ted Turner. If I want advice about AIDS, I’m sure as hell not going to get it from a giant blue guy with green hair who runs around with kids while in his underwear. I’ll talk to that HIV positive Muppet, thank you very much.
HIV Stops With Me
"I have HIV, and I have sex." – Uh, come again? You should probably stop.
"Before I got HIV, I didn’t use condoms. Now, I want to." – "Now I want to? Don’t you mean, "now, I do?"
"Life’s important to me, even the lives of guys I don’t know." - Here’s a thought: stop f*cking guys you don’t even know!
"Being rejected isn’t as bad as infecting someone." – No shit, Sherlock!
What the hell is going on in this video? The slogan is "AIDS Stops With Me," but based on what some of these people are saying, I’m not so sure it does.
We All Have AIDS If One of Us Does
Look, I understand it’s a message of solidarity, but even so, it’s stupid. Tom Hanks doesn’t have AIDS. Neither does Will Smith or Nelson Mandela. You want me to give money, fine, but enough with the "We All Have AIDS" nonsense. Haven’t you people seen Team America?
Don’t Be Fooled
God, I hope this is photoshopped. I really do. If it is, post in the comment section, and I’ll take it down. But until then…
Where do I start with this? In what scenario has raping a baby ever proven to be the right course of action? The fact that the Lesotho Planned Parenthood Association (their logo is in the corner) feels the need to print these posters doesn’t say much about the country of Lesotho. What the hell is going on there? Also, do babies all have soul patches in Lesotho? Sweet Jesus, what an awful world.
A Very Special "Walker, Texas Ranger"
You’ve probably seen this clip before, but if not, you’re in for something special. How Chuck Norris, Haley Joel Osment and AIDS ever came together is beyond me. But I really hope this episode educated "Walker" fans about the dangers of HIV. I really, really do.
AIDS is on the Rise
This is the best song I’ve heard in years, and a small part of me doesn’t want to mock this video. After all, Jacqueline Ray and her back-up singers are just trying to get the message out. Unfortunately, it’s my job. So, with a heavy heart, I present one of the worst AIDS awareness videos ever created. Anyone who is inspired by this is either too old to have sex or too lame to get laid. Although, I bet it’s fun to watch while using intravenous drugs.
I implore you to watch it until the end so you can see Ms. Ray’s very special message.
Honorable Mention – Ayds
OK, this is old too, but it had to be included. After all, it is promoting Ayds awareness, in its own way.