Explore Holy Taco

10 Schwarzenegger-Worthy Movie Pitches to Explain How He Came to Father an Illegitimate Child


Long ago, in a land of myth and legend, a lone warrior strode the land, looking for a kingdom to make his own and seeking revenge on the evil that destroyed his family. Now, after years of searching, his travels bring him to a dark kingdom ruled by a cruel inhuman king and his serpent army. This summer, Arnold Schwarzenegger will take no prisoners. Though he may impregnate a hand maiden or two. In Real 3D!

Hardworking governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was an American hero – action star, politician, body builder and humanitarian. Until one day his past came back to haunt him! Now, as Schwarzenegger races to stop militant Austrian anti-body-building terrorists from destroying New York City, the only thing that can stop him is his cleaning lady’s vagina! Watch as the Governator fights for truth, justice and the American Way while only momentarily mourning the condom he forgot to pack in his wallet. Will he save New York or will he trip on his way down the stairs and accidentally screw Lupe again? Coming this June is Real 3D!

The year is 2525, and the Earth is blanketed by a perpetually dark sky. Nuclear fallout from the Great War has scattered the remnants of humanity to the wind, living in isolated colonies, struggling to survive. But as one heroic former-governor tries to unite humanity and take back the world, a new threat emerges from deep underground as the Molemen, long the slaves of humanity, rise to take the surface world. As Schwarzenegger leads a rag tag army against their new subterranean enemy, he falls in love with his own Moleman slave girl. Can the child she bears end the terrible war and save the world? Coming this July in Real 3D!

Out-of-work Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is down on his luck. No job, no prospects and depressed, his good buddies Danny DeVito, Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone take him for a wild weekend in Vegas to forget his troubles. After DeVito accidentally spike all their drinks, the group have to piece together what happened the night before when they wake up and find Bruce Willis missing (and Ashton Kutcher married to his wife). Why is there a tiger in the bathroom? How did they get a police car? And why did Arnold wake up in the middle of impregnating the maid? Coming this August in Real 3D!

Shy farmboy Arnold Schwarzenegger just wants to play Varsity football and then go to work at his dad’s body shop once he graduates from highschool. But when a big Hollywood film crew rolls into town to make a movie and Arnold gets cast as the lead role Chaz Leroy, all the glitz and glamor go to his head. Can Arnold’s friends and family bring him back down to earth and make him remember what’s really important once he gets caught up in the money, drugs and easily-impregnatable servants?

In the Old West, the town of Brimstone is held captive by fear. Cut off from the outside world by treacherous canyons and savage tribes, the townspeople are pawns in a game that pits two brothers against each other for the town’s vast, secret wealth. One brother seeks to save the townspeople, the other to destroy them for his own ends. And both brothers are desperately in love with the washer woman that only one of them impregnated! Coming this fall in Real 3D!

In a secret lab scientist have developed a formula they thought would be the cure to all diseases, a formula that could repair tissue damaged by illness and injury and the ravages of time. What they created was like nothing they ever dreamed. And when it gets loose into the world it will spread, regenerating the tissue of even the recently deceased, giving rise to a nation of the Undead. Only one man holds the potential key to reversing the damage done and saving what remains of the human race. But can he stop it in time, or will his constant need to impregnate the janitorial staff doom us all?

They thought they ran the city. They thought they could get away with anything. They thought wrong. This summer, one cop stands alone against a corrupt police force and a crime syndicate terrorizing Los Angeles. And after they take out his family, they’re going to learn even a good cop can go bad. Real bad. Like impregnate your gardener bad. In Real 3D!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a quiet, small town librarian who spends his days reading and dreaming of the life he could have lived if only things had been different. One day, as he thumbs through the library’s newest acquisitions, he finds a dusty old book with a strangely familiar tale. As he reads, the rich world of the book begins to overtake his drab life until he realizes too late his own world has vanished and he’s trapped inside the book. Can a simple librarian save a fantasy kingdom from the evil dragon King, impregnate a scullery maid and get back home before he’s trapped forever? Find out this August, in Real 3D!

He’s a high powered attorney. She’s the lady who cleans his office on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Can these two crazy kids from different worlds somehow find common ground and fall in love without the rest of the office finding out? And when she gets pregnant, who will be the first to let the cat out of the bag? Find out this summer, in Real 3D!

One Response to "10 Schwarzenegger-Worthy Movie Pitches to Explain How He Came to Father an Illegitimate Child"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    How come the one above “Cop a feel” isn’t in 3D?