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10 Songs You Should Never Play In A Bar

There’s nothing worse than having a perfectly good drinking session ruined by a song that either doesn’t belong in a bar, has been crammed down your ears too many times, or just plain sucks.
 
All I Wanna Do 
Sheryl Crow
 
Who Plays It: The 45-year-old wannabe cougar who, despite being totally beaten down by her dead-end job as a real estate agent, thinks she can relate to the free spiritedness this song represents. She could totally drink beer at noon on a Tuesday…if she didn’t have to be at work. And she could totally drive down Santa Monica Boulevard with some guy named Billy or Mac or Buddy…if she didn’t have to pick her kids up from soccer practice. So, instead of going all Thelma and Louise, she ends up dancing with her other cougar friends before calling it a night in time to catch Grey’s Anatomy.
 
Why It Sucks: When played at a bar, it does nothing but get a bunch of middle-aged women with fupas and gunts up on the dance floor who ask the DJ to play "Margaritaville" next.
 
Mr. Brightside
The Killers  
 
Who Plays It: The wanna-be hipster. That’s right, he’s not a hipster, but he is choosing to become one. That’s like being potty trained and choosing to shit your pants. Unfortunately for him, The Killers lost hipster credibility when they became profitable to a record label. So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of, and really really tight jeans, once he’s popped this song on, other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie.
 
Why It Sucks: The sound of the lead singer bellowing “I NEEVVVEERRR” towards the end of the song is reminiscent of the sound a man makes when he inadvertently sits on his testicles. The worst part about this song being picked in a juke box is that someone is definitely trying to say something about themselves, thus the next two selections his dollar paid for are going to be even more shitty emo. By the end, you’ll want to take the Pabst Blue Ribbon he’s forcing himself to drink and lodge it in your windpipe.
 
It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
R.E.M. 
 

Who Plays It: The bespectacled, sweater-wearing grad-schooler who wants to play a song that shows off his knowledge of political and world affairs. He almost put on Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” but then he figured REM might make him look a little hipper. But his inability to talk to the opposite sex compels him to explain every cultural reference in the lyrics. “Did you know Leonid Brezhnev served as leader of the Communist party longer than anyone except Stalin? It’s true. And Lester Bangs was an influential music writer who wrote for Rolling Stone and Creem magazines. Hey, where are you going? ”
 
Why It Sucks: Everyone who hears this song thinks they can sing along, but they always end up screwing up the words. So you get a bar full of people screaming, “That’s great it starts with an earthquake…birds…Lenny Bruce!…hurricane…LEONARD BERNSTEIN…oh wait, that comes later.”
 
Sweet Home Alabama
Lynard Skynard
  
Who Plays It: There’s probably a gentleman standing at the bar who’s wearing a flannel shirt with black sleeves. Upon closer inspection, you’ll realize he’s wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt, and what you thought were sleeves are actually a dark, dense fur that’s made a home on in his shoulders and upper arms. He’ll meander up to the juke box and stare it for ten minutes looking through every album twice, because unlike the sex he has with his obese wife, he’s in no rush to finish. When he selects the song, watch closely, because as it begins to play, he’ll say the words “turn it up,” then hold his hand up and when Skynyrd says “turn it up,” he’ll drop his hand down, signifying that he correctly predicted Skynyrd would say this as well.
 
Why It Sucks: If Lynyrd Skynyrd had a Juke Box at their house, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be on it. The general rule for determining a song’s coolness should be one simple question: has the song been used in a KFC commercial? If the answer is "Yes", then that song is no longer cool.
 
Don’t Stop Believing
Journey
 
Who Plays It: The middle aged guy who’s still in the suit he bought just to make sure he landed the Peterson account, which he did! But he knows it’s Friday now, time to order some chicken fingers and let loose! Right before he plays the song, he’ll talk to his buddies about how they should totally take a trip to Vegas together. “Fuck it, let’s just do it.” Then they’ll all check their blackberries to find that they either have a prostate exam, a kid’s play to go to, or “wife wants to go see her parents so I kind of gotta keep my weekends open for whenever that will be.” Then they’ll sit in silence until one of them leaves and heads to the juke box to make this ass-kicking selection that reminds them of their youth, back when they still had hope.
 
Why It Sucks: This song is as played out as Steve Perry is ugly. Whenever it’s selected on a juke box, it’s like a time out is being called from having fun. If you still get pumped up for this song, you probably also get pumped up when your wife says stuff like “I rented the first season of that show “The Closer” that my sister recommended. Maybe if I’m not too tired afterwards we’ll have sex or something."
 
Hotel California
The Eagles
 
Who Plays It: The college freshman who just “discovered music” and is "getting into" the “deep and heavy lyrics.” This gateway song will lead this young man into an ill-advised Steve Miller concert, Pink Floyd posters on his dorm walls and, tragically, the purchase of a Phish album. If you see these signs in anyone attempting to use the jukebox, call the authorities immediately.
 
Why It Sucks: This song has been played so much even Glenn Frey and Don Henley stab their own ears with icepicks whenever they hear it. Killing someone for playing it is legal in 13 states.
 
I Will Survive
Gloria Gaynor
 
Who Plays It: The 39 year old newly divorced woman whose friends have taken her to a bar where they’re all ten years older than the everyone in the bar, including the manager. After a 45 minute session where she and her friends repeatedly convince her that “any guy in this bar would fuck you. I’m telling you, Janice. You show me one other person who’s had three kids and is as hot as you!” she downs her last cosmo and makes a beeline for the juke box. She confidently plays this song, and as the beginning piano solo comes in, she turns around towards her friends as they all excitedly scream in unison, then begin singing. Behind them a group of 25 year old frat guys say “How many beers to take down the grandma?”
 
Why It Sucks: Attempting to empower yourself by singing a ’70′s disco song tells the whole bar “I have low self esteem. Talk to me later when I’m drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll fuck you.”
 
Anything by The Beatles
The Beatles
 
Who Plays It: He or she is around 55 and although they seriously considered a sweet track off of the Beach Boys “Pet Sounds” album, until they decided that "you just can’t go wrong with the Beatles." They’re wearing Teva Sandles and a sweater from whatever college their son or daughter attended. They don’t go to the bar that often, but hey, who doesn’t love a good margarita every now and then? Maybe it’ll get them drunk enough to have sex with their significant other who has become disgusting with age! They’ll probably be sitting with several other older people who are waiting for just the right time to pull out their story about when they first heard this beatles song, which will be a lie, since the actual first time they heard it they were smoking laced weed while awkwardly looking for a place to shoot their load in the circle jerk that just “sort of happened.”
 
Why It Sucks: Before you freak the f*ck out, we’re not saying the Beatles suck. The Beatles are a legendary and influential band and because of that, everybody has heard every one of their songs so many times that it feels like you’re living in North Korea and its propaganda spewing from megaphones mounted in the street.
 
Piano Man 
Billy Joel
 
Who Plays It: The lonely guy wearing a suit who just took off his sportcoat, loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt. After ordering a scotch and soda he asks the bartender where he was when this song came out. Instead of listening to the guy’s answer, he immediately starts telling him how he came this close to signing to the Mets farm team and how his wife left him because he worked too much and that he really wanted to be a astronaut when he was a kid. Hours later, when he’s finally done with his pity party and gets up to leave, he doesn’t even notice that the bartender hung himself with a bar towel.
 
Why It Sucks: It makes everyone over 37 all weepy and sad as they sit there and reminisce about all their hopes and dreams that never came true, and it makes everyone under 37 furious with murderous rage because they have to listen to this shitty song one more time.
 
American Pie
Don McLean
 
Who Plays It: The 55-year-old hippie who’s long, thinning hair and tie-dyed T-shirt scream desperation for a bye-gone era. He’ll spend the entire 8:32 of this epic ballad telling you how much better things were back in the 1960s because the youth actually fought for something. Then, because this song is so goddamn long, he’ll run out of boring stories and will start telling you his “secrets he learned in ‘Nam” that the government invented cancer and that LSD is the only true form of learning. Once it’s finally over, he’ll ask you to sign a petition to legalize hash.
 
Why It Sucks: It’s an eight-minute long shitty folk ballad that has long outlived it’s welcome. It needs to die in a plane crash during a blizzard.
 
 

62 Responses to "10 Songs You Should Never Play In A Bar"

  1. i hate the eagles too says:

    Hotel California is the song they play repeatedly for 48 hours in Orange County prison when on lock down. you really can’t appreciate how terrible a song is until its used as punishment for people who are already in prison.

    few things are as hard to sit through as don henly’s voice.

  2. KingGreat says:

    Maggie May belongs on this list too. Who plays it: idiots who haven’t listened to the oldie station since they left their cubicles 15 minutes before they went for a drink. Why it sucks: no matter how hard that idiot laments a manipulative lost love in his early years, nothing has sucked worse than the intervening years between then and sobbing into his coors lite right now.

  3. Weak Sauce says:

    This is just a list of the songs that get played most often in any generic bar with a generic juke box. It’s written with the same pompous tone a hipster uses to criticize bands that have “made it.” Irony?

  4. Anonymousy says:

    Can’t go wrong with Sir Mixalot.

  5. Anonymussy says:

    Although in all seriousness, Tom Jones will NEVER go out of date for me.

    Hot Chocolate comes in a close second, followed by Elvis.

  6. Sinislaw says:

    you can’t go wrong playing Elvis at a bar either. Somehow he’s managed to become a legend without being overplayed.

  7. Chubby Rose says:

    So true! Elvis can never go wrong. I heard someone say once that there are two kinds of people in the world those that love the beatles and those that go for elvis, and I’m damn glad to be an american (the good guys).

  8. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Will someone please shart onto my disgusting man-boobs?!!!

    This comment is brought to you by DonkeyXoteâ„¢ enterprises.

    ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!

  9. CaptainAwesome says:

    Kind of off topic but along the same lines…is there anything worse than “I Touch Myself” at karaoke? Sounds good on paper but the only ones who ever sing it are fat whores who feel the need to act out the song. I’m just trying to enjoy my beer and now I’m trying not to vomit because I can’t figure out which titties are the real ones.

  10. Claydong says:

    REPOST

  11. DonkeyXote THE ONE AND ONLY says:

    Little desperate aren’t ya?

  12. Turbo Tax says:

    Ricky: No one plays jazz here at The Pit Stop!
    Jean: So then why is the song on the jukebox?
    Bartender: We keep it on there for profiling purposes. We also got the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.

  13. Steve says:

    I don’t know if this is just a NYC thing, but I’ve heard Don’t stop believing in EVERY bar I’ve gone to, and every club I’ve gone to for at least a year now. I blame the Sopranos for playing it on the last episode. Now we have a whole new generation of young people saying they like Journey, when they can’t even name 5 songs of theirs. It’s like “The Osbournes” all over again.

    Oh, same goes for Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer”. Can’t escape that song either. I remember one evening I was simply walking past a bar and I heard Journey playing. I walked past 5 minutes later, and it was Bon Jovi. They must’ve played them back to back. Then I go to Florida during the summer last year. I go to a club and assumed I’d hear them. Sure enough I did. I’m actually surprised “Living on a Prayer” wasn’t on the list. Like I said, must be a NYC thing.

    Probably the worst was when I worked at Best Buy for the holiday season. I worked near the Guitar Hero demo area. In the 3 months I was there I must’ve heard “Prayer” 300 times. Seriously, 5 times a day. 5 days a week. for 3 months. Oh and I was part-time too. So If I was there 5 hours a day, then yes, I heard that song once EVERY HOUR.

    For all that is holy, Bon Jovi must die.

  14. parangaitok says:

    Any song from Coyote Ugly turns the bar into a FUPA free for all.

  15. ChestRockwell says:

    You forgot Come on Eileen by Dexie’s Midnight Runners, and the INSUFFERABLE Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. If I’m in a bar when either of these two songs come on, I finish my drink and excuse myself.

  16. ashley says:

    if you don’t like sweet home alabama then FUCK YOU!

  17. Anny says:

    I think this is old list. Well Currently I am searching for auto insurance. Can you advise me best quote.

  18. Dee Smitherson says:

    You forgot about the self important blog writer, who uses surreal clichés to categorise people with inverse pseudo-humour snobbery, just to validate to the world (nee, his/her blog readers) how cool, insightful, witty, original and bitchy she/he thinks he/she is. Ignoring the fact it’s been done a million times before, it’s not particularly insightful, and well, not really that funny.

    What tune would she/he play to that?

  19. Garth says:

    What about the 45 year old, overweight red neck playing “Friends in low places”? Nothing beats listening to fat bar whores sing the whole fucking song.

  20. Fat Bar Whore says:

    Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots
    And ruined your black tie affair… And who you callin’ fat, needle dick!

  21. Fat bar whores panties says:

    You think your in a low place? Good bye cruel world

  22. I have no life says:

    Whenever I disagree with anyone on HT I like to mock them by conjuring up entirely fictitious characters based on their original nicknames and say something about their mothers and their sexuality, mostly because that’s all I can come up with although sometimes I will say something that pertains to the way I feel inside. I need to be careful though, someone might figure me out as the Emo kid that carves his skin up in order to feel alive and soothe the inner pain and dissatisfaction I have endure everyday with my sad and pathetic life.

    I sure hope DonkeyXote isn’t reading this, or any of the other clues I have left behind on my suicidal tendencies. I hope he hasn’t figured out I am the kid behind all the unfunny “FIRST” comments usually because I’m 24/7 on the internet and I barely ever miss an update on holy taco!

  23. Emo kid that carves his skin, a.k.a DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    I have no life mainly because I am a prisoner in my own filth, mostly because my family uses me as a sextoy and the only freedoms that I am allowed are my Nicolas Cage and Ben Affleck pictures as well as commenting on HT which is the only website my bi-sexual father did not block. Also I enjoy pretending I still have a sliver of pride left and that I am smarter than anyone else, but if you read my comments, you will figure out that I am really just trying to get back at the people who ruined my other name: philosopher by changing to such classics as philosfag, or philosoraptor etc.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go suck my sequential hermaphrodite sister’s massive dick!

  24. DonkeyXote says:

    Philosopher and I, two different people kid – mind you it is clear that you’re just saying that to boost your own morale, I understand.

    But doesn’t it bother you to recycle other people’s comebacks? You’ve already failed miserably using one of my lines, what makes you think that can throw a line from Justine (from HT) with success or originality?

    “Disabling your mum’s laptop to look up porn” oh wow, like we haven’t heard that before.

    YOU’RE FUNNIE!!!

  25. Smick says:

    Its funny because I used to go out with a fat bar whore who sang the whole fucking shitty lyrics of this song. Ah the good times. Shuddering and trying to prevent my body from ripping in two.

  26. DonkeyBlowMe says:

    i insist that you address my comment regarding your b.s. on the halford topic you cock. look below this dumb stream of consciousness, but above your 3d bush.

  27. DonkeyXote THE ONE AND ONLY says:

    I’ve already handed back your ass you whiney motherfucker.

    Unlike you I do have a life and I’m not online 24-7 checking up Holy Taco’s every update, so don’t throw up a stink just because I haven’t rattled your cage and given you the attention you so desperately seek.

    Later bitch!

  28. Anonymou says:

    Isnt this way old?

  29. Skott says:

    thats what i thought too

  30. pratik says:

    Ya, even I’m calling shenanigans on this one.

  31. Bosco says:

    They could’ve at least updated it a bit… like by adding a Nickelback song to the list.

  32. Puff says:

    I remember reading this article long ago but I can’t remember if it was HT or Cracked. It’s the same article only the wording is altered slightly as if to avoid plagiarism.

  33. monotron says:

    i am pretty sure it was not in cracked nor in HT

  34. Neffstradamus says:

    Love it.

    The worst though, has GOT to be that dude, whoever he is singing “hallelujah”, you know, the damned slowed down version that is the background music to about 400 sappy montages in various depressing movies.

    I seriously have heard this song about 4 times in a bar by some idiot who thinks its just so peaceful and beautiful. It has NO place in a bar. I’d rather hear some organ concerto music from the Baroque period. Not kidding in the least.

  35. GB says:

    It’s Jeff Buckley and while he was a great talent I have to agree it has no place in a bar. I will do you one even better. ANYONE who plays it, whether it be in the movies, on TV (looking at you American Idol)or in public should be shot in the head by Leonard Cohen. How about come up with something original you pilfering creatives.

  36. I'm Not Your Friend says:

    Guy.

  37. Iman anus says:

    Actully it was leonard cohen

  38. Anonymous 8 says:

    You need to learn how to read the whole comment before posting a reply, friend.

  39. Paris Hilton says:

    Old list!

  40. CapnSinbad says:

    This was great, but why does being older mean you’re a joke ? Can’t one enjoy one’s past without being crucified for it ?!

  41. AARP says:

    have you renewed you’re membership for net year yet? maybe you could squeeze it in between oatmeal and shuflebaord tomorrow!

  42. Cap'n Charisma says:

    Yeah, this is totally an old list.

    What gives HT?!

    We get Kelly Kapowski and an old list today?!

    Is March like National Recycling Month or something?! Give us some new material…

  43. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    If you’re in a bar that isn’t playing Heavy FUCKING Metal, you’re in the wrong FUCKING bar!!

  44. U R Gay says:

    Let me guess, you huge into Priest, right?

  45. DonkeyXote© says:

    sorta…it’s only about halford for me…i can’t stop thinking about his sack smacking into my thighs while he bones me with gusto

  46. Sinislaw says:

    gusto…hahaha!

  47. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    “let’s mock Judas Priest – with several monikers – by highlighting the lead singer’s sexuality, oh yes, that oughta do it!!!! teehehe”

    What many fucking pussies fail to realize is that despite his homosexuality, Rob Halford is one of THE most respected figures in a genre that is mostly driven by testosterone and yet several decades later they (not just Halford, which is another band altogheter) are still able to show kids today how metal is meant to be done!

    Suck on that you little Emo bitch!

  48. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    I also loved his leather pants which I stole from his room one time at a concert now I cream into them everytime I masturbate to his picture!

  49. DonkeyBlowMe says:

    do you ever get tired of being a huge dick? you get repeatedly buried under tons of funnier, wittier and more insightful comments, and yet you still find the energy to come back for more punishment. where does that energy come from? you are a glutton for abuse, your comments border on the nauseatingly retarded and you sound like a homosexual nerd. put the excess energy to good use- clean my car, suck my johnson or bite your fingers off to prevent mutilating any shred of manhood you have left with your corny typing.

  50. stink says:

    Agreed. I for one partake and rather enjoy it/

  51. No-talent Assclown says:

    Judas Priest fucking sucks.

  52. DonkeyXote THE ONE AND ONLY says:

    Well, unlike YOOOOOOOU. I don’t take the web so seriously, and certainly not anonymous strangers like your whiney self (despite the endless identities you so poorly hide). You know… to think that your words could actually have any resonance whatsoever in anyone’s psychology is simply pathetic!!

    What do you think it says about you when you accuse someone of being a “homosexual nerd” and then you suggest they suck your “johnson” while struggling to use as many adjectives as you can possibly muster in order to appear educated? – A homosexual nerd!! See the fallacies behind your line of argument?

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. YOOOOU have an IQ no higher than room temperature! Do yourself a favour kid, GET OFF THE INTERNET AND STAY OFF IT!!

    No wonder why I call you a FUCKWIT!!!!!!!!!

  53. DonkeyBlowMe says:

    you call EVERYONE a fuckwit. YOOOOUUUU blend two disparate words together and make up an even dumber word. IIIII’M not the only one making fun of you. everyone is. you’re a jerkoff. your comments are corny, your sense of humoUr is impaired, your intelligence is questionable and your comebacks are soft. i probably should leave you be, seeing as how the verbal beatings you get on here are sort of funny, but it’s like pouring salt on a slug- what’d you accomplish? it’s a fucking slug. yeah, you killed the slug…but that slug’s worst act was leaving a gross trail of slime (in this metaphor, the slime is your verbal diarrhea), while all the salt did was destroy an inconsequential nuisance with little to offer. i’m aware of THAT fallacy, but i just can’t get over how much of an insufferable dick you are. if you were funny or even snarky, it would be acceptable. your shit is just fucking idiocy.

    No wonder why i want Donkey To BlowMe!!!!

  54. DonkeyXote says:

    I’m glad you explained the slug thing; I wasn’t entirely sure where you were going with that until you pointed it out.

    Now I know whom to contact for allegories, analogies, metaphors, similes and other descriptions.

    FUCK PLATO, YOU’RE THE MAN!!

  55. DonkeyXote's Infected Anal Wart says:

    The funniest part of all is how Donkey so desperately wants to believe that it’s only ONE person here at Holy Taco who hates his guts. What a fuckwit.

  56. Mani says:

    Not bad. But they forgot Stairway to Heaven, Lola, and pretty much anything by Metallica.

  57. Assmaster says:

    I’m 17 and i love billy fucking joel.

  58. Assmaster's Mom and Dad says:

    I am so disappointed in you, son. Watching gay porno movies like “Billy Fucking Joel” is very embarassing for us. You make us feel like Fat Bar Whore panties. Why can’t you be like your older brother the philosopher?

  59. ryan says:

    Okay kid, we all know gay porn can be exciting but watching Billy fuck Joel won’t help get you laid. You need to get out there and mingle with the other young boys ;)

  60. Everybody's dad and mom on HT says:

    Whenever I disagree with anyone on HT I like to mock them by conjuring up entirely fictitious characters based on their original nicknames and say something about their mothers and their sexuality, mostly because that’s all I can come up with although sometimes I will say something that pertains to the way I feel inside. I need to be careful though, someone might figure me out as the Emo kid that carves his skin up in order to feel alive and soothe the inner pain and dissatisfaction I have endure everyday with my sad and pathetic life.

    I sure hope DonkeyXote isn’t reading this, or any of the other clues I have left behind on my suicidal tendencies. I hope he hasn’t figured out I am the kid behind all the unfunny “FIRST” comments usually because I’m 24/7 on the internet and I barely ever miss an update on holy taco!

    teehehe

  61. Loser that has no life, a.k.a DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    I have no life mainly because I am a prisoner in my own filth, mostly because my family uses me as a sextoy and the only freedoms that I am allowed are my Nicolas Cage and Ben Affleck pictures as well as commenting on HT which is the only website my bi-sexual father did not block. Also I enjoy pretending I still have a sliver of pride left and that I am smarter than anyone else, but if you read my comments, you will figure out that I am really just trying to get back at the people who ruined my other name: philosopher by changing to such classics as philosfag, or philosoraptor etc.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go suck my sequential hermaphrodite sister’s massive dick!

  62. DonkeyXote THE ONE AND ONLY says:

    Philosopher and I, two different people kid – mind you it is clear that you’re just saying that to boost your own morale, I understand.

    But doesn’t it bother you to recycle other people’s comebacks? You’ve already failed miserably using one of my lines, what makes you think that can throw a line from Justine (from HT) with success or originality?

    “Disabling your mum’s laptop to look up porn” oh wow, like we haven’t heard that before.

    YOU’RE FUNNIE!!!!!