This November, somewhere in Australia, the Lynx Lodge is poised to open. What is the Lynx Lodge? It’s like the Axe Abode or the Old Spice Spa, one of those famous man-stink vacation spots you hear so much about. Haven’t heard of it? Oh, well, it’s a resort sponsored by the makers of Lynx Body Spray. It’s like Axe, but with 30% more wild cat.
The Lynx Lodge is a man-only vacation retreat. Does that mean an epic sausage fest or one of those cruises that are for dudes only and feature a lot of music by Cher? Apparently not. It’s a place that doesn’t want you to bring women because they hired all the women already – professional models who will be on site to ensure you that, even though they’re on salary, they still like you for you.
As the commercial shows, numerous dimwitted girls are already there attempting to do two person activities all by themselves, so they need us to show up as soon as we can to lend a hand. Company spokespeople have said that all interactions will take place in common areas with security present, which our English-to-Corporate dictionary tells us means “not a whore house.”
Ladies will provide wake up calls and also…wait, what? Oh, durr. They will provide sexy wake up calls. That’s like a regular wake up call, only this time the staff have bought up a mint shaped like a boobie. No? A boobie pillow? Oranges inside a pair of panties. Beef jerky with perfume on it. A hand-written note that isn’t shrewish. Hell, who knows, but they say they offer it. Also, the ladies will regularly mud-wrestle, so that’s progressive. And you’ll be able to fish! That’s very manly. Other amenities include a kitchen and a bathroom.
The website leads us to believe we’re going to get to live inside a men’s magazine as soon as we get there, and as much as we’d love to hump a Maxim all day long, something seems amiss here. Fishing, dirt biking, pool and volleyball seem to be the only things they offer as activities aside from not humping the female staff, who are just there to be friendly, so what the hell is the point of going to this not-a-brothel? Lynx, it’s time to step up the game. You have until November to get all this on the menu;
• Fire Eaters. Hire 3 or 4 to work on rotation. Someone, somewhere, should always have fire in their mouth.
• Jumbotron. Get one outdoors. Make it the outside wall of a building that faces the lake. Use it to broadcast sports, or a constant loop of the beginning of CSI: Miami
• Kangaroo boxing. This joint is in Australia, we shouldn’t have to tell you shit like this.
• Golf Carts equipped with mini bars. Is it irresponsible to drive a golf cart and drink? Yes. Does the hilarity of it outweigh the danger? Yes. Find a way to make it safe, then ensure it happens every day
• Shooting Range. Girls in bikinis should be shooting things 24 hours a day. Awesome targets like wooden ducks, Mel Gibson cutouts, and nature. At night they can use silencers.
• Access. The Lodge should only be accessible by Monster Truck.
• Shapes. Everything should be shaped like something else, see the above notes regarding boob-shaped mints. Couches should be shaped like footballs, burgers should be shaped like Rambo, beds should be shaped like heroics.
• Stink. There should be competing areas for men who are busy working on engines and erecting barns to sit around and sweat, while other places let men walk around stinking like Axe. Or Lynx. Whatever.
• Jamming. There should be impromptu jam sessions all the time featuring amateurish renditions of popular guitar solos.
• Porn. Adult movies should be discretely available everywhere – the bathroom, on kayaks, under dinner plates, everywhere. They should be complementary and not $9.99 each, especially when no one is going ot watch the whole goddamn movie anyway.