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10 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Planet Fitness

(Okay, fine, this commercial is awesome. But still.)

Planet Fitness sucks. I know this because until last week, I was a member there. PF’s selling point is two-fold. First, they’re almost impossibly cheap β€” $10/month will get you 24-hour access to treadmills, weight machines, free weights, tanning beds, and even massage chairs. Also, the staff is trained to not laugh at you even if you clearly don’t know what you’re doing.

The problem is, their “Judgement Free Zone” slogan is utter bullshit. If you’re the kind of person who only shows up on pizza night β€” yes, there is a monthly friggin’ pizza night at Planet Fitness β€” and text on your phone for an hour while sitting in the ab-cruncher, they will not say a word to you. But if you exhale too loudly because you’re pushing your body to its physical limit, they will set off their Lunk Alarm. They will publicly shame you for trying.

Planet Fitness is the world’s most discriminatory fitness chain, and ironically, the members they discriminate against tend to be the ones who are actually attempting to get in shape. (I guess those people destroy the illusion that you can shed pounds and build muscle just by paying a gym $10/month and walking two miles-per-hour on a treadmill for 20 minutes.) Here’s a short list of violations that have led Planet Fitness to throw members out.

- “Intimidating people with your toned body.”

- Being four months pregnant and having a little bit of your belly sticking out of your tank-top.

- Wearing tank tops in general, particularly if you’re an attractive female. I’d like to take a moment to point out that Planet Fitness is the only gym chain in America that ejects women based on their appearance.

- Deadlifting, aka doing real exercise. (See also: Squatting)

- Wearing ankle weights, aka trying too hard.

- Wearing religious head-scarves.

- Wearing non-religious head-scarves. WTF. IS THIS NAZI GERMANY??

- Not respecting the totally logical circuit training rules.

- Answering your phone.

- Violating the Planet Fitness vow of silence.

Tell Planet Fitness how you feel about this crap on twitter @PlanetFitness.

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