Congrats! You finally got that girl from your community college english class to agree to come to your place and watch a movie with you. So many things to consider, you charming devil. What are you going to wear? What are you going to eat? What are you going to drink? But more importantly, what are you going to watch? Well, I don’t know what you will end up watching, but if you follow this handy guide, you’ll know which flicks to immediately rule out. Chances are she’s going to regret something the following day, but at least we can help you make sure it wasn’t watching “Requiem For a Dream”.
#10 – Leaving Las Vegas (NSFW!)
In this movie, Nic Cage plays a drunk who is literally pickling his liver. He also falls in love with a whore. In my opinion, it’s a really romantic story, but that’s only because I can sort of relate. Your lady friend will probably find this one appalling, and consequently find you appalling for saying “Ha! I’ve been there before!” when Cage’s character chugs a bottle of vodka while driving.
#9 – The Shining
This is not the story of a family’s winter vacation. It’s a movie about madness, murder and alcoholism. Your date might scoot closer during a few scary parts, but if she makes it through the whole thing, you’ll both be scared and sleeping alone.
#8 – IT
This movie is about a terrifying clown with sharp teeth. Two things that absolutely will not put anyone in the mood for love.
#7 – Requiem For a Dream
A movie about the dark perils of drug addiction. You shouldn’t even watch this at night, let alone watching it with someone you’re trying to sleep with. The only way this movie may score you some points is if you met your date at a Hot Topic.
#6 – Precious
A touching, but sad story about a troubled girl growing up in the worst possible situation ever. This one is bad for two reasons. First reason is, it’s really damn depressing. The other reason it’s bad is because if you’re like me, you laugh when you get uncomfortable. I laughed a lot during this movie. Sometimes women will mistake uncomfortable laughter for a lack of empathy.
#5 – Brokeback Mountain
You may be tempted to pick this film because it shows your tolerance and open-mindedness. It’s a beautiful love story, it really is. But spoiler alert: These guys have sex in a tent. Frontier style! If it’s not something you’re used to seeing, it may jar you, and you may again laugh uncomfortably or spit out some Family Guy quote, exposing yourself as the immature basement dweller that you are.
#4 – Marley and Me
Spoiler alert: The dog dies at the end. You may think having a sad girl on your couch is a good thing, but trust me, that’s not first-date shit. You save those vulnerability attacks for when you’re really desparate.
#3 – Deliverance
Another movie involving gay frontier sex, but this time there’s no love involved. You’ve been warned.
#2 – Little Children
This film has one story line that’s an epic romantic affair. Total girl stuff. But there’s an additional story line about a pedophile who jerks off near playgrounds. Not girl stuff.
#1 – Schindler’s List
I really shouldn’t have to say anymore. It’s probably the first movie you thought of when you read the title of this article. But I’m putting it here because everyone deserves this reminder.