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10 Worst Movies To Watch On a Date

BAD DATE MOVIES

Congrats! You finally got that girl from your community college english class to agree to come to your place and watch a movie with you. So many things to consider, you charming devil. What are you going to wear? What are you going to eat? What are you going to drink? But more importantly, what are you going to watch? Well, I don’t know what you will end up watching, but if you follow this handy guide, you’ll know which flicks to immediately rule out. Chances are she’s going to regret something the following day, but at least we can help you make sure it wasn’t watching “Requiem For a Dream”.

#10 – Leaving Las Vegas (NSFW!)

In this movie, Nic Cage plays a drunk who is literally pickling his liver. He also falls in love with a whore. In my opinion, it’s a really romantic story, but that’s only because I can sort of relate. Your lady friend will probably find this one appalling, and consequently find you appalling for saying “Ha! I’ve been there before!” when Cage’s character chugs a bottle of vodka while driving.

#9 – The Shining

This is not the story of a family’s winter vacation. It’s a movie about madness, murder and alcoholism. Your date might scoot closer during a few scary parts, but if she makes it through the whole thing, you’ll both be scared and sleeping alone.

#8 – IT

This movie is about a terrifying clown with sharp teeth. Two things that absolutely will not put anyone in the mood for love.

#7 – Requiem For a Dream

A movie about the dark perils of drug addiction. You shouldn’t even watch this at night, let alone watching it with someone you’re trying to sleep with. The only way this movie may score you some points is if you met your date at a Hot Topic.

#6 – Precious

A touching, but sad story about a troubled girl growing up in the worst possible situation ever. This one is bad for two reasons. First reason is, it’s really damn depressing. The other reason it’s bad is because if you’re like me, you laugh when you get uncomfortable. I laughed a lot during this movie. Sometimes women will mistake uncomfortable laughter for a lack of empathy.

#5 – Brokeback Mountain

You may be tempted to pick this film because it shows your tolerance and open-mindedness. It’s a beautiful love story, it really is. But spoiler alert: These guys have sex in a tent. Frontier style! If it’s not something you’re used to seeing, it may jar you, and you may again laugh uncomfortably or spit out some Family Guy quote, exposing yourself as the immature basement dweller that you are.

#4 – Marley and Me

Spoiler alert: The dog dies at the end. You may think having a sad girl on your couch is a good thing, but trust me, that’s not first-date shit. You save those vulnerability attacks for when you’re really desparate.

#3 – Deliverance

Another movie involving gay frontier sex, but this time there’s no love involved. You’ve been warned.

#2 – Little Children

This film has one story line that’s an epic romantic affair. Total girl stuff. But there’s an additional story line about a pedophile who jerks off near playgrounds. Not girl stuff.

#1 – Schindler’s List

I really shouldn’t have to say anymore. It’s probably the first movie you thought of when you read the title of this article. But I’m putting it here because everyone deserves this reminder.

You’re welcome.

14 Responses to "10 Worst Movies To Watch On a Date"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    10 other movies to stay away from include:

    Taxidermia: This is one of them festival movies that film students cream their pants over. Don’t remember what language it is, Bulgarian, Bielorusian, whatever… the point is that it has several memorable scenes that you wish you could erase from your memory. (sweat drips off the armpit of a fat girl into the mouth of a comatose patient who is awaken by her B.O nectar…)

    Coffee and Cigarettes: A series of nonsensical vignettes that revolve around having cofee and smoking ciggies.

    Shortbus: Saw only the opening scene and was detracted from watching the rest, but it seems to revolve around gay/group sex. Opening scene unveils a dude urinating underwater in the bath tub. Again, top of the cream for film/arts student.

    Scarlet Diva: If you’re gonna watch it because of Aria Argento, don’t. She basically falls in love with a dude playing in a shitty band, gets preggers, doesn’t see her Romeo for several months and right when she’s about to pop babies left and right out of her cooch, she finds the courage to travel to the other side of the world to tell him he’s a daddy, she finds out he’s married. Sniff sniff… she has a spastic moment, runs out like crazy, trips over some steps on the way up… belly first… end of movie. Shitty!

    Eraserhead: One of the best horror movies ever made, compliments of David Lynch. No gore, no guts, just a series of nightmarish sequences so eerie and macabre that your date will most likely leave you to it, not that it matters you’re stuck with ONE OF THE BEST HORROR MOVIES EVER MADE, COMPLIMENTS OF DAVID LYNCH! ya dig?

    Rest stop: One of the lamest horror movies you will ever see, your date won’t freak out, shit her knickers, she’ll probably just dump yer ass for having horrible taste in films. Basic premise: Girl feels like she needs to have a pee, they make a stop, everyone gets butchered by a, surprise surprise, sicko!! and no real believeable attempt is ever made to GET THE FUCK OUT, half way through the movie you’ll start rooting for the psychopath hoping that numnuts gets diced up in pieces.

    Wrong Turn 2: One of the best horror movies eviiiiir, gory as fuck but fresh as! It’s predesessor isn’t too shabby either, but they definitely kicked it up a notch on that second isntallment. Basic premise: Mutants (deformed humans from generations of toxic waste) give a mean welcome to a set of by passing strangers that take a little detour on their joyfull ride.

    Russian Ark: Unless you’re into interior design and period pieces, stay away from this Russian puppy.

    and finally…

    The Notebook: A movie based on the premise of eternal romantic love, which I think it’s a load of BULLSHIT. At least in TIMELINE, TRISTAN + ISOLDE there’s people getting shot amidst all the sappy shit and whatnot.

    • BonaFide says:

      did you mention Timeline? The worst Crighton book to movie ever in the history of Crighton or movies?

  2. DT says:

    I got my first kiss in Schindlers list!

  3. TokyoREW says:

    Crying Game should be one here. I recommended it for someone’s first date, there was no second. Good times.

  4. Earl P says:

    What about ‘The Human Centipede’? I thought for sure you guys would have that one in this list? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1467304/

  5. greedo1976 says:

    Check out a movie called Teeth

  6. Billy-Bob says:

    Human centipede and teeth were both movies that i got laid after watching.