Alcohol is a wonderful thing, but it can also turn your friends into those people that take a fun night of drinking and turn it into a sobfest, a fight or an uncomfortable conversation. Here are the 10 worst types of drunk people.
10. MRS. "I WILL BE CRYING BY THE END OF THE NIGHT"
It’s the end of the evening and everyone in the group you came with have all decided to look at your phones, try to find a cab, or pay your bill, for a total of about twenty two seconds. Unfortunately this is twenty two seconds you could have spent paying full attention to this girl. This causes this girls self esteem levels to fall dangerously low, and they can only be raised by the insertion of a random man’s penis inside her vagina, or by getting as many of her friends to pay attention to her as possible. If said penis is not available, tears are the next best thing. She’ll start balling uncontrollably, then when everyone gathers around her and asks her what’s wrong, inevitably the reason will be so perplexing you’ll make the same face you made when you realized at the end of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis was actually dead.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
YOU: Hey, should I call a cab?
FRIEND: Yeah, I think so, it’ll take a bit to get here.
MRS. CRYER: (SOBBING), God, (SOBBING, SNOT RUNNING), I feel so stupid!
EVERYONE: What’s wrong? Are you okay? Oh my god, what happened?
MRS. CRYER: I-(SOB) I saw a homeless guy (SOB) yester-(SOB)-day and I thought, ohmygod you guys.
YOU: You thought oh my god, what?
MRS. CRYER: (SOBBING INTENSIFIES) I just, I don’t know. (More sobbing)
9. MR. "I WILL HIGH-FIVE EVERYTHING YOU SAY"
This guy is so excited to be wasted that anything you say will get him so pumped up, he will stand up and run over to you while holding both of his hands in the air for a full-on double high-five. But despite what you might think, he’s not really listening to what you’re saying, he’s just so hammered that he’s picking up random words you say and using them as an excuse to high-five. You could be talking about anything from NATO’s new role in the Pacific region to the fact that Coldplay sucks--it doesn’t matter--he will high-five you.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: You: So, the doctor walked in and said I had to have my gall bladder removed.
MR HIGH-FIVE: Gall bladder! YES! (high five)
YOU: (sheepish high-five) Thanks…Phil. So…I went in for the surgery, and when I woke up the surgeon came in and said everything was a success, except that they found a small cyst on my large intestine.
MR HIGH-FIVE: Intestine, bitch! HIGH-FIVE time!
YOU: Are you high-fiving my intestine or intestines in general?
MR HIGH-FIVE: High fiving! (high five)
8. MRS. "I'M SO FAT, AREN'T I?"
Everyone likes to have a little attention thrown their way. But after a few cocktails, this girl’s sole purpose for speaking is to get you to give her a complement. But to do that, she talks about herself in a faux-negative light so you can tell her how wrong she is. The problem is, she IS a little fat, but since you’re a guy and you want to have sex with her anyway, you fall into her trap every time.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Oh God, I just got the worst hair coloring at the salon. Look at this. Doesn’t it look terrible?
YOU: Ohhhhh, noooooo. No no no no. Not at all. It looks good. Really nice, actually.
MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Ugh. It’s not as bad as these jeans I just got. They do NOT fit my hips at all. They totally make me look fat.
YOU: Those jeans? Are you crazy? They look great! I was just about to complement you on them. They make your hips look super sexy.
MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Really? But they give me those muffintops I heard you guys talking about earlier. You said something like, “Muffintops make me want to shit puke and then puke shit.”
YOU: No, I never said that. I LOVE muffintops. I think they’re…super hot. I don’t like super skinny girls. I don’t think girls should look like that.
MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Awww. I totally agree! It’s so not natural!
7. MR. “CALLS YOU A HOMO IF YOU’RE NOT DOING SHOTS EVERY TWO MINUTES”
I’m not certain, but to date, I don’t think scientists have found any evidence that links “refusing to take shots of alcohol” to “being a homosexual.” But apparently this guy has because he’s quick to tell you “dude, don’t be a fag, bro, take this shot of Jager.” No matter what drink you’re holding, or even if you’ve taken a shot earlier in the night, nothing you do is good enough for this guy if you’re not pounding liquor like you’re trying to forget a rape.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: MR SHOTS: Shot time, bro! Let’s do it! Little Jack D action.
YOU: I don’t know man, I don’t do well with shots. Plus, I have a Jack and coke al-
MR. SHOTS: Bro, get the dick out of your mouth and take the shot.
YOU: Ha, I’d really rather not man, but thanks.
MR. SHOTS: Bro, come on, get up off the cock you’re sitting on and take this shot!
6. MRS. “I'M GOING TO MAKE-OUT WITH YOU JUST TO MAKE MY BOYFRIEND ANGRY"
After an evening in a bar, this girl will invariably feel like her boyfriend is ignoring her because he’s either playing Big Buck Hunter or having a four-minute conversation with one of his friends. As retaliation, she will scan the bar and see you as a perfect way to remind her boyfriend how important she is to him. You, being an idiot with an easily-manipulated ego, assume her overbearing advances are because you just got a super sweet haircut or because you’re God’s gift to the ladies. You are wrong on both counts.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: MRS. BOYFRIEND: I’ve been staring at you all night.
YOU: Really? Wow.
MRS. BOYFRIEND: I’ve got a thing for guys who wear jackets.
YOU: I just got this jacket the other day. It’s new.
[Begin make-out session]
YOU: Hey, do you want to get out of here? I live only a few blocks away.
MRS. BOYFRIEND: No, I’m going to leave with my boyfriend.
YOU: You’re boyfriend? Who’s he?
MRS. BOYFRIEND: He’s the guy walking over here right now. The big one.
[Begin face-punching session]
5. MR. “DID I EVER TELL YOU I WAS MOLESTED?"
Everytime this guy has a few drinks, he wants to have a heart-to-heart discussion about his most intimate thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t matter that you are in a crowded bar where everyone else around you is screaming for rum and Cokes and saying stuff like, “That girl’s titties are like, massive, bro.” This guy really needs to get the time his step-dad gave him a taint massage when he was 11 years old off his chest.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: YOU: I can not believe the Bears didn’t make the playoffs. How do you not beat the Texans? The Texans!
MR. MOLESTED: Dude, you’ve been a really good friend to me through a lot of shit. I never told you this, but when I was younger, I was, sorta, oh man how do I say this…touched by one of my babysitters.
YOU: Uhhh, that…totally sucks, dude. But you told me this last week.
MR. MOLESTED: I did? Sorry, it’s just that sometimes, I just can’t get this image out of my mind. My therapist said I needed to talk about the incident with trusted friends if I ever want to get over it.
YOU: You want to talk about it again? Can we talk about those gargantuan tatas over there, instead?
MR. MOLESTED: I wish I could talk about them. But what happened to me makes it hard for me to be intimate with the opposite sex.
YOU: I lost an erection once when the Bears lost a home playoff game.
4. MRS. "I BECOME A FAKE LESBIAN AFTER HAPPY HOUR"
It’s been mathematically proven that lesbians equal awesome, but the worst thing a chick can do is be a fake lesbian. The fake lesbian is easily identified by her penchant for tequila. After she downs a few, she’ll start discussing some super-hot chicks that she likes, and is very attracted to. She’ll soon progress to a heated, detailed discussion about which chicks in the bar she’d make out with. The problem is that she’s all talk. She’s not making out with anyone tonight and she knows it. A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
HER: Ooh. That chick at the bar is hot. I love her skirt. It’s so short.
YOU: Yeah, she is hot.
HER: I’m gonna wait til she goes to the bathroom, and then I’ll go in after her and hopefully we can strike up a conversation.
YOU: Whoa, really?
HER: Totally. She’s got great boobs. I’d love to see them...touch them...caress them...
2 HOURS LATER
HER: If she comes up to me, I’m totally going to just grab her and start making out.
2 A.M.
HER: I’m going to wait for her outside when she leave the bar, and then just get it on with her on the sidewalk.
3. MR. "I'M GOING TO PROFESS MY LOVE TO MY EX-GIRLFRIEND VIA TEXT MESSAGE"
There’s two famous equations in the history of the world. 1) E=MC^2 and 2)Drunk + Text Messaging = regret. Usually this guy realizes at about 1 in the morning that no girl in this bar is going to come up to him walking backwards with their pants down and legs spread with a sign on their back that says “please F me,” so he gets super depressed and thinks no women like him. That’s when he busts out the phone and decides to text message the last girl that had sex with him, talking himself into the fact that they still have chemistry and their love was real, and she’d love to hear him profess his love to her at 1:45 in the morning via a text message that misspells the word “the” four times.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
MR. TEXT MESSAGE: Dude, chicks just aren’t in to me.
YOU: Maybe you should try talking to them, instead of standing in this poorly lit corner of the bar, behind a table.
MR. TEXT MESSAGE: You know, I should text my ex. We had a real thing man. I don’t know how it got all messed up, but it was real. I’m gonna text her.
YOU: She has a boyfriend now. Plus, she told you to never text her again, the last time you texted her.
MR. TEXT: She was just saying that because she knew what we had was real, man. Her heart was saying she wanted to hear from me, you know.
YOU: No. I don’t. Give me you phone right the fuck now.
MR. TEXT: Too late, I already sent her three texts a couple minutes ago. Hey, is soul mate one word or two?
2. MRS. “TIME TO BRING UP OLD SHIT YOU’VE DONE THAT PISSES ME OFF.”
Girls are like national geographic specials: They like to dig up really old shit and then talk about it for several hours. As soon as this girl gets boozy, she’s accesses the google search inside her head and types in shit like “time I thought I was pregnant and my boyfriend made an abortion joke.” Then she’ll take that little emotional bomb, and hurl it at you like you’re occupying a middle eastern country.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
YOU: So, I was thinking we could head to another bar.
MRS. OLD SHIT: Sure, yeah. Maybe we could head to another bar without me, like you did on Halloween two years ago. Let’s do that, that would be awesome.
YOU: What? I didn’t go without you, I thought you were already- why are we talking about this, it happened two years ago!
MRS. OLD SHIT: Maybe you should talk about it with your ex-girlfriend, like you did on my birthday.
YOU: She called me asking for the name of my mechanic!
MRS. OLD SHIT: How come you’ve never given me the name of your mechanic.
1. MR. LET’S WRESTLE
I think it’s great that you wrestled for two years in high school. Good for you. But depending on what kind of party we’re at, that was anywhere from 3 to 10 years ago, and you probably weren’t really, really drunk at every wrestling match. This guy will let you know when he’s ready to go by approaching you in a Quazimoto-type stance. He’ll proceed to swat at you playfully like an orangutan chasing bubbles, constantly repeating “C’mon. C’mon. C’mon.” He’s going to wrestle someone or something tonight. That’s inevitable. You’ll just have to make sure that it’s not you.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: YOU: (talking to someone else) Yeah, so after astronaut school, I just wanted to chill for a while.
MR. WRESTLE: Dude! Dude! Dude! C’mon. C’mon, dude. C’mon.
YOU: Hey, man. I’m having a conversation here. Please stop playfully swatting at me.
MR. WRESTLE: C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon, dude. C’mon.
YOU: I don’t want to wrestle you.
MR. WRESTLE: I don’t wanna wrestle you either. I just wanna teach you how to suplex somebody.
*If you enjoyed this list, please give it a Digg. We would greatly appreciate it. (And it keeps us in business.)
"A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens." Hilarious.
what about - Mr. and Mrs. I'm planning to pass out with my head on the bar/table/toilet seat and force one of my friends who's actually having a good time to make sure I get home alright?
God, I have a friend who is just like this. She is usually very quiet, but after a couple of shots, you need to get your ears cleaned out the next day. "Mrs. I'm screaming because I think no one can hear me."
"A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens."
awesome article... so true.... but HEY FUCKER ! that quip about the texans CROSSED THE LINE!!!! come here.... i wanna show you how to suplex somebody!!!!
everyone is absolutely fucking on the mark true...one possible addition, the person who drinks too much and insists on acting like a complete tool and ends up being arrested. Not that I've ever been that drunk person but I have been in the presence of those who fit that description.
you forgot the beer queer! the guy or girl who gets wasted and acts gay. its typically girls who want attention, they sort of fall under the fake lesbian category, except they do make out at the bar in front of you, but no, they wont go home with you, and it wont go past kissing. but i cant forget the overly touchy feely drunk guys that get a little "flamboyant."
I have a drunk jerk of a friend who has taken to getting much drunker, faster than every1 else. He blacks out and then phones me the next day all anxiety-ridden to find out if he did anything outrageous or asshole. Yeah, buddy, you called me to find out yet again.
Classic list. I lived with a drunk wrestler for 6 years, and he was actually really good. The handful of times I couldn't avoid wrestling him I usually regretted as he would twist me into some kind of pretzel like formation which resulted in me being sore the whole following week.
Awesome, my wife just picked up a new BFF that turned out to be a variation of "MRS. “TIME TO BRING UP OLD SHIT YOU’VE DONE THAT PISSES ME OFF.”". She's more of the "Mrs. I want to confront you about something I heard you said in passing to someone else that they should not have repeated to me, but did and now that I am drunk, I am pissed"
Amazing list... so funny. I thought of a couple key additions:
1. The "Oh my god, I'm so drunk guys" guy
2. The runner.. that is the guy who takes offense to whatever is said, or overreacts to every situation and decide he must storm out of the bar and run home...
3. The "Let's talk about the past.. and i'll ask you every question I don't really want to know the answer to" girl
A good list. But you're missing one of the worst type of drunks.
The person that insists that everyone that they talk to is drunk. Conversations with then usually don't last much longer than a few minutes if you're sober. During which you will be driven, quickly, to the brink of inflicting physical harm as they will spend the entire time trying to convince you drunk you are, and how funny/much more fun you are when you are drunk.
What about Mr or Mrs "thinks s/he's so smart s/he's going to discuss politics/global issues/the state of the world with anyone around even if they don't give a shit, because s/he is intoxicated enough to 'think' s/he is actually brilliant." wankety-wank-wank.
definently true...Especiaslly the one about 'if you dont drink shots you're gay'...when I used to hangout with straight guys, they would say stuff like that. so dumb.
And someone said something about a guy tounge-bathing their ball bag LOL....fucking hilarious. I have a couple guys that'll do it for you!
Less we forget Mr./Mrs. Jekyl and Hyde. Don't you love them! The night is rolling and everyone is having a good time when that one word or innocent movement ends up being the spark that turns on the personality switch. You knew it was coming and you tried to avoid it, but wham now your the reason for the birth of the Hyde! For the next few minutes the beast evolves, rants, and calms. The entire mood of everyone is altered and your included. The next morning you get the apology call filled with the same broken promises. Who will be there next victim?
I HAD to quit drinking due to liver problems . . . no shit. When I told my boss, who is much older than me and who had quit drinking to save his marriage, he said the first party I go to where I'm not drinking will be a shock to me. He was right. It is incredible what assholes some people become when they drink.
You forgot the drunk dialer/don't drink and dial: the person who begins calling people randomly at 3am who they have not talked to in several years slurring nonsense in their ear.
(110 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
January 7th, 2009 at 02:09 pm
It's sad that I deal with at least 6 of the 10 every weekend... i need new fucking friends...haha
January 27th, 2009 at 09:34 pm
fuck that, i love my drunk friends! Do u honestly want drunks that still act normal all the time?
January 7th, 2009 at 02:12 pm
"A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens." Hilarious.
That was a quality read. Keep 'em coming!
January 7th, 2009 at 02:22 pm
I love how the actual text message in the one about professing your love says "hey idiot"
January 7th, 2009 at 02:36 pm
Shit! what do we do if we have been every one of these kinds of drunks! rehab perhaps?
January 7th, 2009 at 02:44 pm
what about - Mr. and Mrs. I'm planning to pass out with my head on the bar/table/toilet seat and force one of my friends who's actually having a good time to make sure I get home alright?
January 7th, 2009 at 02:50 pm
Can i get this list printed on tshirt...awesome gents
January 7th, 2009 at 02:58 pm
what about mr. i pass out and piss everywhere
January 7th, 2009 at 03:06 pm
Mrs. I Can't Control the Volume of My Voice
January 8th, 2009 at 02:21 pm
It's MR! AND I'M NOT TALKING LOUDER THAN ANYONE ELSE!
January 9th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
God, I have a friend who is just like this. She is usually very quiet, but after a couple of shots, you need to get your ears cleaned out the next day. "Mrs. I'm screaming because I think no one can hear me."
January 7th, 2009 at 03:00 pm
That's why I quit Drinking!
January 7th, 2009 at 03:18 pm
Damn this shit is soo true!
January 7th, 2009 at 03:19 pm
"A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens."
So good.
January 7th, 2009 at 03:20 pm
awesome article... so true.... but HEY FUCKER ! that quip about the texans CROSSED THE LINE!!!! come here.... i wanna show you how to suplex somebody!!!!
January 7th, 2009 at 03:54 pm
funny as hell..... but the bears suck!
January 8th, 2009 at 07:07 am
As a Bear fan, I, sadly, can not disagree with you.
January 7th, 2009 at 05:15 pm
You forgot about Mr. "Gets pissed about absolutely nothing and goes around punching walls."
January 11th, 2009 at 05:29 pm
ah haha haha...so true.
January 7th, 2009 at 05:27 pm
hahahahahahahahahaaaa
January 7th, 2009 at 07:35 pm
Mr. All of a sudden reflective on all the "awesome" times we've had together and Mr. Telling me a totally incoherent story where I just nod my head.
January 9th, 2009 at 05:28 am
You mean the Nostalgic Drunk...
January 8th, 2009 at 06:03 am
everyone is absolutely fucking on the mark true...one possible addition, the person who drinks too much and insists on acting like a complete tool and ends up being arrested. Not that I've ever been that drunk person but I have been in the presence of those who fit that description.
January 8th, 2009 at 06:58 am
you forgot the beer queer! the guy or girl who gets wasted and acts gay. its typically girls who want attention, they sort of fall under the fake lesbian category, except they do make out at the bar in front of you, but no, they wont go home with you, and it wont go past kissing. but i cant forget the overly touchy feely drunk guys that get a little "flamboyant."
January 8th, 2009 at 07:33 am
I have a drunk jerk of a friend who has taken to getting much drunker, faster than every1 else. He blacks out and then phones me the next day all anxiety-ridden to find out if he did anything outrageous or asshole. Yeah, buddy, you called me to find out yet again.
January 8th, 2009 at 08:01 am
you forgot the deadarm/charlie horse guy (me).
great post though lol
January 8th, 2009 at 08:42 am
Classic list. I lived with a drunk wrestler for 6 years, and he was actually really good. The handful of times I couldn't avoid wrestling him I usually regretted as he would twist me into some kind of pretzel like formation which resulted in me being sore the whole following week.
January 8th, 2009 at 08:39 am
Fuck the dude that said the Bears suck.. You can tongue bathe my ball bag..
January 8th, 2009 at 10:44 am
you want a dude to tongue bath your balls? to each his own.
January 8th, 2009 at 09:21 am
the chick in the lesbian drunk picture is topanga from boy meets world
January 8th, 2009 at 09:55 am
i thought it was depanga. she is now on E hosting "the dish"
January 8th, 2009 at 11:05 am
what about Mr. or Mrs. I love you man...
January 8th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Also Mrs Gets Drunk and Agro and wants to pick fights with any male around her (shes recently been dumped and is a bit bitter about it).
January 8th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
what about the kid that wants to start a fight the second someone makes eye contact.
January 8th, 2009 at 04:24 pm
hahaah yea my friend is exactly like that. we've had to restrain him every time we were at a bar
January 8th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Awesome, my wife just picked up a new BFF that turned out to be a variation of "MRS. “TIME TO BRING UP OLD SHIT YOU’VE DONE THAT PISSES ME OFF.”". She's more of the "Mrs. I want to confront you about something I heard you said in passing to someone else that they should not have repeated to me, but did and now that I am drunk, I am pissed"
January 8th, 2009 at 01:14 pm
Amazing list... so funny. I thought of a couple key additions:
1. The "Oh my god, I'm so drunk guys" guy
2. The runner.. that is the guy who takes offense to whatever is said, or overreacts to every situation and decide he must storm out of the bar and run home...
3. The "Let's talk about the past.. and i'll ask you every question I don't really want to know the answer to" girl
January 8th, 2009 at 03:05 pm
LOL damnit.. i'm totally a #3.
January 8th, 2009 at 03:52 pm
me too.. :/
January 12th, 2009 at 02:19 am
i'm number 2... hee hee : )
January 8th, 2009 at 01:31 pm
Number 6 is by far the worst.
January 8th, 2009 at 01:52 pm
pure comedy gold keep it up.
January 8th, 2009 at 05:47 pm
A good list. But you're missing one of the worst type of drunks.
The person that insists that everyone that they talk to is drunk. Conversations with then usually don't last much longer than a few minutes if you're sober. During which you will be driven, quickly, to the brink of inflicting physical harm as they will spend the entire time trying to convince you drunk you are, and how funny/much more fun you are when you are drunk.
January 8th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
outstanding list!
What about Mr or Mrs "thinks s/he's so smart s/he's going to discuss politics/global issues/the state of the world with anyone around even if they don't give a shit, because s/he is intoxicated enough to 'think' s/he is actually brilliant." wankety-wank-wank.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I hate that guy!
January 8th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
aw damn it i'm the wrestler guy...
should've quit after one year...
January 9th, 2009 at 12:15 am
definently true...Especiaslly the one about 'if you dont drink shots you're gay'...when I used to hangout with straight guys, they would say stuff like that. so dumb.
And someone said something about a guy tounge-bathing their ball bag LOL....fucking hilarious. I have a couple guys that'll do it for you!
January 9th, 2009 at 03:45 am
Less we forget Mr./Mrs. Jekyl and Hyde. Don't you love them! The night is rolling and everyone is having a good time when that one word or innocent movement ends up being the spark that turns on the personality switch. You knew it was coming and you tried to avoid it, but wham now your the reason for the birth of the Hyde! For the next few minutes the beast evolves, rants, and calms. The entire mood of everyone is altered and your included. The next morning you get the apology call filled with the same broken promises. Who will be there next victim?
January 9th, 2009 at 04:51 am
I HAD to quit drinking due to liver problems . . . no shit. When I told my boss, who is much older than me and who had quit drinking to save his marriage, he said the first party I go to where I'm not drinking will be a shock to me. He was right. It is incredible what assholes some people become when they drink.
January 9th, 2009 at 05:35 am
You forgot the drunk dialer/don't drink and dial: the person who begins calling people randomly at 3am who they have not talked to in several years slurring nonsense in their ear.
Post new comment