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The 10 Worst Types Of Drunks

Alcohol is a wonderful thing, but it can also turn your friends into those people that take a fun night of drinking and turn it into a sobfest, a fight or an uncomfortable conversation. Here are the 10 worst types of drunk people.
 
10. MRS. "I WILL BE CRYING BY THE END OF THE NIGHT"
 
funny photo crying drunks
 
It’s the end of the evening and everyone in the group you came with have all decided to look at your phones, try to find a cab, or pay your bill, for a total of about twenty two seconds. Unfortunately this is twenty two seconds you could have spent paying full attention to this girl.  This causes this girls self esteem levels to fall dangerously low, and they can only be raised by the insertion of a random man’s penis inside her vagina, or by getting as many of her friends to pay attention to her as possible.   If said penis is not available, tears are the next best thing.  She’ll start balling uncontrollably, then when everyone gathers around her and asks her what’s wrong, inevitably the reason will be so perplexing you’ll make the same face you made when you realized at the end of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis was actually dead. 
 
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
YOU: Hey, should I call a cab?

FRIEND: Yeah, I think so, it’ll take a bit to get here.

MRS. CRYER: (SOBBING), God, (SOBBING, SNOT RUNNING), I feel so stupid!

EVERYONE: What’s wrong?  Are you okay?  Oh my god, what happened?

MRS. CRYER: I-(SOB) I saw a homeless guy (SOB) yester-(SOB)-day and I thought, ohmygod you guys.

YOU: You thought oh my god, what?

MRS. CRYER: (SOBBING INTENSIFIES) I just, I don’t know.  (More sobbing)

 
 
9. MR. "I WILL HIGH-FIVE EVERYTHING YOU SAY"
 
funny photo annoying drunks
This guy is so excited to be wasted that anything you say will get him so pumped up, he will stand up and run over to you while holding both of his hands in the air for a full-on double high-five. But despite what you might think, he’s not really listening to what you’re saying, he’s just so hammered that he’s picking up random words you say and using them as an excuse to high-five.  You could be talking about anything from NATO’s new role in the Pacific region to the fact that Coldplay sucks–it doesn’t matter–he will high-five you.
 
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
You: So, the doctor walked in and said I had to have my gall bladder removed.

MR HIGH-FIVE: Gall bladder! YES! (high five)

YOU: (sheepish high-five) Thanks…Phil. So…I went in for the surgery, and when I woke up the surgeon came in and said everything was a success, except that they found a small cyst on my large intestine.

MR HIGH-FIVE: Intestine, bitch! HIGH-FIVE time!

YOU: Are you high-fiving my intestine or intestines in general?

MR HIGH-FIVE: High fiving! (high five)

 

8. MRS. "I’M SO FAT, AREN’T I?"
 
funny photo muffintops
Everyone likes to have a little attention thrown their way. But after a few cocktails, this girl’s sole purpose for speaking is to get you to give her a complement. But to do that, she talks about herself in a faux-negative light so you can tell her how wrong she is. The problem is, she IS a little fat, but since you’re a guy and you want to have sex with her anyway, you fall into her trap every time.
 

TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Oh God, I just got the worst hair coloring at the salon. Look at this. Doesn’t it look terrible?

YOU: Ohhhhh, noooooo. No no no no. Not at all. It looks good. Really nice, actually.

MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Ugh. It’s not as bad as these jeans I just got. They do NOT fit my hips at all. They totally make me look fat.

YOU: Those jeans? Are you crazy? They look great! I was just about to complement you on them. They make your hips look super sexy.

MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Really? But they give me those muffintops I heard you guys talking about earlier. You said something like, “Muffintops make me want to shit puke and then puke shit.”

YOU: No, I never said that. I LOVE muffintops. I think they’re…super hot. I don’t like super skinny girls. I don’t think girls should look like that.

MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Awww. I totally agree! It’s so not natural!

 
7. MR. “CALLS YOU A HOMO IF YOU’RE NOT DOING SHOTS EVERY TWO MINUTES”
funny photo drinking

I’m not certain, but to date, I don’t think scientists have found any evidence that links “refusing to take shots of alcohol” to “being a homosexual.”  But apparently this guy has because he’s quick to tell you “dude, don’t be a fag, bro, take this shot of Jager.”  No matter what drink you’re holding, or even if you’ve taken a shot earlier in the night, nothing you do is good enough for this guy if you’re not pounding liquor like you’re trying to forget a rape. 
 
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
MR SHOTS: Shot time, bro!  Let’s do it!  Little Jack D action.

YOU: I don’t know man, I don’t do well with shots.  Plus, I have a Jack and coke al-

MR. SHOTS: Bro, get the dick out of your mouth and take the shot.

YOU: Ha, I’d really rather not man, but thanks.

MR. SHOTS: Bro, come on, get up off the cock you’re sitting on and take this shot!

 
6. MRS. “I’M GOING TO MAKE-OUT WITH YOU JUST TO MAKE MY BOYFRIEND ANGRY"
 
funny photo drinking drunk

After an evening in a bar, this girl will invariably feel like her boyfriend is ignoring her because he’s either playing Big Buck Hunter or having a four-minute conversation with one of his friends. As retaliation, she will scan the bar and see you as a perfect way to remind her boyfriend how important she is to him. You, being an idiot with an easily-manipulated ego, assume her overbearing advances are because you just got a super sweet haircut or because you’re God’s gift to the ladies. You are wrong on both counts.
 

TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
MRS. BOYFRIEND: I’ve been staring at you all night.

YOU: Really?  Wow.

MRS. BOYFRIEND: I’ve got a thing for guys who wear jackets.

YOU: I just got this jacket the other day. It’s new.

[Begin make-out session]

YOU: Hey, do you want to get out of here? I live only a few blocks away.

MRS. BOYFRIEND: No, I’m going to leave with my boyfriend.

YOU: You’re boyfriend? Who’s he?

MRS. BOYFRIEND: He’s the guy walking over here right now. The big one.

[Begin face-punching session]

 
 
5. MR. “DID I EVER TELL YOU I WAS MOLESTED?"
 
funny photo drinking drunk

Everytime this guy has a few drinks, he wants to have a heart-to-heart discussion about his most intimate thoughts and feelings.  It doesn’t matter that you are in a crowded bar where everyone else around you is screaming for rum and Cokes and saying stuff like, “That girl’s titties are like, massive, bro.” This guy really needs to get the time his step-dad gave him a taint massage when he was 11 years old off his chest.

TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
YOU: I can not believe the Bears didn’t make the playoffs. How do you not beat the Texans? The Texans!

MR. MOLESTED: Dude, you’ve been a really good friend to me through a lot of shit. I never told you this, but when I was younger, I was, sorta, oh man how do I say this…touched by one of my babysitters.

YOU: Uhhh, that…totally sucks, dude. But you told me this last week.

MR. MOLESTED: I did? Sorry, it’s just that sometimes, I just can’t get this image out of my mind. My therapist said I needed to talk about the incident with trusted friends if I ever want to get over it.

YOU: You want to talk about it again? Can we talk about those gargantuan tatas over there, instead?

MR. MOLESTED:  I wish I could talk about them. But what happened to me makes it hard for me to be intimate with the opposite sex.

YOU: I lost an erection once when the Bears lost a home playoff game.

 
 
4. MRS. "I BECOME A FAKE LESBIAN AFTER HAPPY HOUR"
 
funny photo drinking fake lesbian

It’s been mathematically proven that lesbians equal awesome, but the worst thing a chick can do is be a fake lesbian. The fake lesbian is easily identified by her penchant for tequila. After she downs a few, she’ll start discussing some super-hot chicks that she likes, and is very attracted to. She’ll soon progress to a heated, detailed discussion about which chicks in the bar she’d make out with. The problem is that she’s all talk. She’s not making out with anyone tonight and she knows it. A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens.

TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
HER: Ooh. That chick at the bar is hot. I love her skirt. It’s so short.

YOU: Yeah, she is hot.

HER: I’m gonna wait til she goes to the bathroom, and then I’ll go in after her and hopefully we can strike up a conversation.

YOU: Whoa, really?

HER: Totally.  She’s got great boobs. I’d love to see them…touch them…caress them…

2 HOURS LATER

HER: If she comes up to me, I’m totally going to just grab her and start making out.

2 A.M.

HER: I’m going to wait for her outside when she leave the bar, and then just get it on with her on the sidewalk.

 
3. MR. "I’M GOING TO PROFESS MY LOVE TO MY EX-GIRLFRIEND VIA TEXT MESSAGE"
 
funny photo drunk drinking text message
 
There’s two famous equations in the history of the world.  1) E=MC^2 and 2)Drunk + Text Messaging = regret.  Usually this guy realizes at about 1 in the morning that no girl in this bar is going to come up to him walking backwards with their pants down and legs spread with a sign on their back that says “please F me,” so he gets super depressed and thinks no women like him.  That’s when he busts out the phone and decides to text message the last girl that had sex with him, talking himself into the fact that they still have chemistry and their love was real, and she’d love to hear him profess his love to her at 1:45 in the morning via a text message that misspells the word “the” four times.
 
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
MR. TEXT MESSAGE: Dude, chicks just aren’t in to me.

YOU: Maybe you should try talking to them, instead of standing in this poorly lit corner of the bar, behind a table.

MR. TEXT MESSAGE: You know, I should text my ex.  We had a real thing man.  I don’t know how it got all messed up, but it was real.  I’m gonna text her.

YOU:  She has a boyfriend now.  Plus, she told you to never text her again, the last time you texted her.

MR. TEXT: She was just saying that because she knew what we had was real, man.  Her heart was saying she wanted to hear from me, you know.

YOU: No.  I don’t.  Give me you phone right the fuck now.

MR. TEXT: Too late, I already sent her three texts a couple minutes ago.  Hey, is soul mate one word or two?

 
 
2. MRS. “TIME TO BRING UP OLD SHIT YOU’VE DONE THAT PISSES ME OFF.”
 
funny photo drinking angry girl woman

Girls are like national geographic specials: They like to dig up really old shit and then talk about it for several hours.  As soon as this girl gets boozy, she’s accesses the google search inside her head and types in shit like “time I thought I was pregnant and my boyfriend made an abortion joke.”  Then she’ll take that little emotional bomb, and hurl it at you like you’re occupying a middle eastern country.

 
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
YOU: So, I was thinking we could head to another bar.

MRS. OLD SHIT: Sure, yeah.  Maybe we could head to another bar without me, like you did on Halloween two years ago.  Let’s do that, that would be awesome.

YOU: What?  I didn’t go without you, I thought you were already- why are we talking about this, it happened two years ago!

MRS. OLD SHIT: Maybe you should talk about it with your ex-girlfriend, like you did on my birthday.

YOU: She called me asking for the name of my mechanic!

MRS. OLD SHIT: How come you’ve never given me the name of your mechanic.

 
 
1. MR. LET’S WRESTLE
 
funny photo drinking drunk wrestle

I think it’s great that you wrestled for two years in high school. Good for you. But depending on what kind of party we’re at, that was anywhere from 3 to 10 years ago, and you probably weren’t really, really drunk at every wrestling match. This guy will let you know when he’s ready to go by approaching you in a Quazimoto-type stance. He’ll proceed to swat at you playfully like an orangutan chasing bubbles, constantly repeating “C’mon. C’mon. C’mon.” He’s going to wrestle someone or something tonight. That’s inevitable. You’ll just have to make sure that it’s not you.

 
TYPICAL CONVERSATION:
YOU: (talking to someone else) Yeah, so after astronaut school, I just wanted to chill for a while.

MR. WRESTLE: Dude! Dude! Dude! C’mon. C’mon, dude. C’mon.

YOU: Hey, man. I’m having a conversation here. Please stop playfully swatting at me.

MR. WRESTLE: C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon, dude. C’mon.

YOU: I don’t want to wrestle you.


MR. WRESTLE: I don’t wanna wrestle you either. I just wanna teach you how to suplex somebody.
 
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113 Responses to "The 10 Worst Types Of Drunks"

  1. Anonymous says:

    what about Mr. or Mrs. I love you man…

  2. Anonymous says:

    pure comedy gold keep it up.

  3. Anonymous says:

    LOL damnit.. i’m totally a #3.

  4. c wylie0 says:

    I have a drunk jerk of a friend who has taken to getting much drunker, faster than every1 else. He blacks out and then phones me the next day all anxiety-ridden to find out if he did anything outrageous or asshole. Yeah, buddy, you called me to find out yet again.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Also Mrs Gets Drunk and Agro and wants to pick fights with any male around her (shes recently been dumped and is a bit bitter about it).

  6. john says:

    Fuck the dude that said the Bears suck.. You can tongue bathe my ball bag..

  7. Anonymous says:

    hahaah yea my friend is exactly like that. we’ve had to restrain him every time we were at a bar

  8. JM says:

    Awesome, my wife just picked up a new BFF that turned out to be a variation of “MRS. “TIME TO BRING UP OLD SHIT YOU’VE DONE THAT PISSES ME OFF.”. She’s more of the “Mrs. I want to confront you about something I heard you said in passing to someone else that they should not have repeated to me, but did and now that I am drunk, I am pissed”

  9. Anonymous says:

    hahahahahahahahahaaaa

  10. Anonymous says:

    i’m number 2… hee hee : )

  11. Anonymous says:

    Number 6 is by far the worst.

  12. disco_visco says:

    you forgot the deadarm/charlie horse guy (me).

    great post though lol

  13. btezra says:

    everyone is absolutely fucking on the mark true…one possible addition, the person who drinks too much and insists on acting like a complete tool and ends up being arrested. Not that I’ve ever been that drunk person but I have been in the presence of those who fit that description.

  14. cory says:
    As a Bear fan, I, sadly, can not disagree with you.
     
  15. Anonymous says:

    the chick in the lesbian drunk picture is topanga from boy meets world

  16. meow says:

    you forgot the beer queer! the guy or girl who gets wasted and acts gay. its typically girls who want attention, they sort of fall under the fake lesbian category, except they do make out at the bar in front of you, but no, they wont go home with you, and it wont go past kissing. but i cant forget the overly touchy feely drunk guys that get a little “flamboyant.”

  17. Anonymous says:

    Amazing list… so funny. I thought of a couple key additions:
    1. The “Oh my god, I’m so drunk guys” guy
    2. The runner.. that is the guy who takes offense to whatever is said, or overreacts to every situation and decide he must storm out of the bar and run home…
    3. The “Let’s talk about the past.. and i’ll ask you every question I don’t really want to know the answer to” girl

  18. Anonymous says:

    what about the kid that wants to start a fight the second someone makes eye contact.

  19. Anonymous says:

    i thought it was depanga. she is now on E hosting “the dish”

  20. Anonymous says:

    you want a dude to tongue bath your balls? to each his own.

  21. himsoforreal says:

    awesome article… so true…. but HEY FUCKER ! that quip about the texans CROSSED THE LINE!!!! come here…. i wanna show you how to suplex somebody!!!!

  22. Luke says:

    Classic list. I lived with a drunk wrestler for 6 years, and he was actually really good. The handful of times I couldn’t avoid wrestling him I usually regretted as he would twist me into some kind of pretzel like formation which resulted in me being sore the whole following week.

  23. Anonymous says:

    You forgot about Mr. “Gets pissed about absolutely nothing and goes around punching walls.”

  24. Fully says:

    “A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens.”

    So good.

  25. Anonymous says:

    me too.. :/

  26. Damn this shit is soo true!

  27. Frank says:

    That’s why I quit Drinking!

  28. Anonymous says:

    ah haha haha…so true.

  29. Metrowize says:

    Mr. All of a sudden reflective on all the “awesome” times we’ve had together and Mr. Telling me a totally incoherent story where I just nod my head.

  30. Anonymous says:

    You mean the Nostalgic Drunk…

  31. Anonymous says:

    funny as hell….. but the bears suck!

  32. Brittany :) says:

    That’s a little gay :)

  33. Anonymous says:

    Very true… Great list

  34. Anonymous says:

    BAWLING, not BALLING.
    COMPLIMENT, not COMPLEMENT.

  35. Anonymous says:

    My roommate is the I know more about you than anyone else guy. He once sat and argued for two hours!!!! with my friend who is getting a doctorate in engineering about how Einsteins theory of relativity is wrong. He is a fucking army cook and a tool.

  36. austen says:

    it’s spelled bitch not biatch…whore

  37. Anonymous says:

    i am a #3 like nobody’s business. how embarassing haha

  38. Anonymous says:

    you forgot Mr/Mrs “I can’t hold my drink”…

  39. SassyAuburn says:

    My favorite is/was the “Do you know how much I love you?” drunk friend (girls are this way with other girls)

    “Do you know how much I love you…How much you mean to me?… You are my best friend and you are so good to be here with me when I am shitfaced drunk and I can’t tell you how much that means to me (sobbing begins).. because you are so special to me. Please hold back my hair while I puke. Thank you… I love you.”

  40. Anonymous says:

    LMAO! I know that guy. It never works but the shit he says to them is hilarious! “Hey Randy, come over cuz i will fuk those titties sooo hard” & “I’m not trying to get in yur pants, i just wanna cuddle.”

  41. Anonymous says:

    MS. IM REALLY HARDCORE AT DRINKING-BUT AT THE END OF THE NIGHT IS SEEN PASTOUT/ PUKING IN THE TIOLET

  42. Anonymous says:

    Great list but what about Mrs. Dick Tease. She will take you to the room an get you down to nothing an pass out on you.

  43. Anonymous says:

    i am mr wreastleerrr

  44. bob says:

    IT’S FUCKING SPELLED COMPLIMENT!!!

  45. Anonymous says:

    What about the repeater drunk. The one that keeps telling the same story over and over again. Oh and the ha ha I’m so drunk I lit my cigarette backwards drunk.

  46. Anonymous says:

    I’m a variation on the westler. I start trying to box with tall people. After I knock them out/get my ass handed to me, I revert back into the Dude Who Loves Everyone and Wants to Achieve World Peace Before Last Call.

    Also, what about the guy who enters conversations with random people in his immediate vicinity and trys to solve all their deep seated emotional problems with his Buddah like wisdom? Oh, wait, that’s also me.

  47. Anonymous says:

    I have a ‘professional drunk’ friend who has two speeds when it comes to drinking….on and off. It actually works well, because when he feels like he needs more he typically buys for the group. That’s the good part. The bad part is that the more he drinks the more he THINKS he knows even when he has never read, participated, even thought about the topic.

    Me: I have a concrete contractor coming to replace my drive way tomorrow.
    Drunk expert: Dude make sure that you know what kind of concrete they are using. A lot of times they will give you the cheap stuff just to make a buck.
    Me: Cheap stuff? I have already covered that with the contractor.
    Drunk expert: Yeah well watch them close and make sure you are getting what you pay for…
    Me: ???

  48. C says:

    I’m the one who loves everybody at the end of the night! A bit of a stumbling drunk who will hang on you and say “I loovveee youuuuu!”

  49. T says:

    Have you ever seen the movie Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde? Sure you have.
    Well I dated a woman who was like that with alcohol.
    I swear it only took one drink.
    She was the very best, sweetest, kindest, sexiest girlfriend I ever had until that one drink. Then she turned into Ms. Hyde and became a maniac.
    Yelling, hitting, swearing, throwing things and grabbing onto every random guy in the room.
    One drink.
    Really.
    Then she would insist on drinking until she passed out.
    This would happen at least once a week. It freaked me out.
    Since she refused to stop drinking I had to break up with her.
    Too bad. She was fantastic when she was sober.

  50. Anonymous says:

    My high five drunk also constantly is saying he’s sorry about some shit I couldn’t care less about, hate that guy.

  51. Anonymous says:

    True that.
    I usually make a pass or two at one girl, give up, and go get blazed with a couple buddies.

  52. oneshot says:

    Don’t forget Mr/Mrs. I just want to have sex/dry humper. The person who rides your leg all night like your grandma’s little “kick me dog”. I love the passed out bed pisser.

  53. Chazalicious says:

    You are correct about the spelling, but if she needs to get laid to stop crying, then she certainly would be “balling.” :~)

  54. Stinky Bishop says:

    It does suck the Bears didnt make he playoffs

  55. Kyle W says:

    your mr. want to fondle other men…fag

  56. Kyle W says:

    chill douche

  57. Anonymous says:

    I just keep to my self try getting with one or two girls, give up as I see that it takes to much effort then I got get stoned with my friends.

  58. Anonymous says:

    Argh Number 7!

    Been one myself a few times and can honestly say nothing is a bigger cock block. Gently swaying trying to keep it together for the half decent girl you’re chatting up… mate enters the scenario ‘WHAT YOU DOIN FAGGOT! SHOTSSSSSS!’

    Night quickly turns into an 8th and a wank…

  59. Anonymous says:

    How about the “Ooooh My GAWD! That is sooo funny!” girl, the variation on Number 3 “I’m going to text you in the middle of the night when you’re sleeping to tell you how much my life sucks!” person, or the “I am goin g to ask for sex from all of my female friends hoping one of them might ACTUALLY say yes!!” guy

  60. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, I know all about Mrs. Dicktease. One night I was having a party and this bombshell is all over me (which doesn’t happen much for me, I’m a man of low self confidence, so I don’t do alot of flirting), like wherever I go that night she’s attached to my hand/arm/lap/whatever, and then when we’re laying in my room and I’m thinking of making a move, she passes out for awhile and then she had to leave when she woke up. I guess she would fall into a subcategory called “Mrs. Dick Tease who Has a Boyfriend”

  61. Anonymous says:

    I’m pretty close to a 3 but not that bad. I’m the guy that will sit in the dark corner and not talk to any girls and think they aren’t into me, but I don’t go and text ex girlfriends. I just lament over my loneliness at home then get stoned to forget about it and be happy again.

  62. Butthawk says:

    You forgot the “hand shakers”, those assholes drive me nuts, matter of fact they all drive me nuts, booze is a plague.

  63. fizzy says:

    Screw drunks.

  64. Anonymous says:

    oh…. your that guy

  65. Liz says:

    It’s spelled “bawling” not “balling” genius.

  66. mark says:

    Alcohol is a wonderful thing?

  67. Anonymous says:

    I have to admit to this habit too. ‘Cept I dont talk to guys and then go get high with my buddies.

  68. Anonymous says:

    WELCOME TO BURN CITY POPULATION: YOU

  69. Kyle W says:

    You must be that girl that crys…how annoying

  70. Anonymous says:

    What about Mrs. Thinks Guys Looking at Her Constitutes Sexual Assault and then Tells Everyone She Knows About It?

    Or maybe there’s just the one at my school.

  71. Anonymous says:

    I know a few of those guys! And their usually the ones you never wanted to see naked anyway.

  72. chesterbuddy says:

    so drunk they start stripping guy. I know someone who actually did this.

  73. Anonymous says:

    “Complements”? “Quazimoto”? For the love of god, please have a native English speaker proofread your next article, you illiterate monkey.

  74. Anonymous says:

    They always use the same crying girl in these websites.

  75. Anonymous says:

    You forgot the WOOOOO!!!! girls, especially at any bar that has a band or any concert with a bar in the venue every two minutes of the next two hours will be filled with ear peircing shrieks of WOOOOOO! or screams of ohmygodthisisthebestsongever!!!!!! as they sing along to every fourth word of the song and just scream throughthe rest of it. They usually travel in packs of girls just as retarded as them and bring their frat boy douche bag boyfriends along and feel the need to slam into you knocking your drink over, then hang all over you as they slobber apologies and continually ask “why are you mad?” or “are you mad at me?” They suck.

  76. Anonymous says:

    I feel bad for the guy who got molested. But after we’ve been through all that drunken stuff, why not just smoke marijuana?

  77. Bry-Loc says:

    Let us not forget Mr. “That’s What She Said”…it could take something as small as “I’m gonna grab another…” “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”…gets very old very quick.

  78. jagermonster says:

    on a seperate, but equally annoying note. how about mr. i’m going to proofread internet comedy articles for grammatical errors. it’s not a f’ing term paper, relax. although, we are all impressed by your profound knowledge of the english language. congratulate yourself on being so smart.

  79. jagermonster says:

    JAY CUTLER! Finally! and Pace to protect him, can’t wait

  80. jackie says:

    WoW!! what happened? plastic injection molding my be can help something?

  81. Sam says:

    I am not much of a drinker, but I know number 5 and 7 pretty well.

    These personality types aren’t exclusive of alcohol. I know a 3 that does that does even when not drinking. I also know a 10 who does that when sober.

  82. Jewel Henry says:

    Where’s ‘Single, desperate, and drunk after four Bacardi?

  83. Ada w. says:

    However there is another type of drunk – the alcohol rehabilitation one – “I am always drunk and always refuse when you ask me if I want a drink”… typical alcoholic behavior.

  84. if it hurts, it's true says:

    Many of us know of this drunk. Old, fat and lazy. Gets drunk all the time and tells everyone his problems. Sad because he caused most of them but is too immature to except the resposibility that he ruined his OWN life. He cheated on his wife, his kids are spoiled brats, the workers that he works with can’t stand him. His pathetic girlfriend that he is ENGAGED to is with him why? I really don’t know why. She seems to have a terrible self esteem problem. Sad because he cheats on her all the time AND brags about it to all his friends. I KNOW this, he has been after me for years but I’m on to this looser. I would never have anything to do with him. He treats everyone like they are beneath him. Degrades people, looks down on everyone he talks with. He thinks people like him but what it is is they put up with him. They all figure he get done shooting his mouth off eventually that he will just go away. Wishful thinking. Thinks he’s Gods gift to the world. Yea too bad, I wish he would go live on another planet. He rants and raves and everyone seems to shake in their pants. I’m not, he’s just a immature child who has never grown up. Tries to drink his sorrows away. Too bad he doesn’t have the maturity to look himself in the mirror and see himself for what he is. My advice to him would be grow up, stop blaming everyone for your past problems. Stop seeking revenge. It’s pointless. In the end, usually what you wish for, happens to you. Nothing good comes out of it. Start realizing that the reasons things happen to you are YOUR responsibility. You caused it. Stop using alcohol as your excuse. It’s your fault. Now, I hope you see this and see its true. If you keep this up you will ruin YOUR life, but MORE importantly the innocent lives of others. If anything, think of your kids, for heavensake, WAKE UP!

  85. NothingToxic says:

    I love how the actual text message in the one about professing your love says “hey idiot”

  86. Anonymous says:

    definently true…Especiaslly the one about ‘if you dont drink shots you’re gay’…when I used to hangout with straight guys, they would say stuff like that. so dumb.

    And someone said something about a guy tounge-bathing their ball bag LOL….fucking hilarious. I have a couple guys that’ll do it for you!

  87. Lisbee says:

    I’m number 3. But the girl version…and it’s more like random texting…
    *cringes*
    That is why I usually drop my phone in the toilet before I even start drinking.

  88. kdoggydog says:

    “A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens.” Hilarious.

    That was a quality read. Keep ‘em coming!

  89. Anonymous says:

    It’s sad that I deal with at least 6 of the 10 every weekend… i need new fucking friends…haha

  90. Anonymous says:

    fuck that, i love my drunk friends! Do u honestly want drunks that still act normal all the time?

  91. Mad as Hell says:

    I can think of worse things than Mr. High Five guy. Like Mr. Get Drunk and Eat Your Leftovers guy. That dude sucks, especially when your drunk and craving that chicken finger sub you got in the fridge. You open the door to only find an open wrapper, some lettuce, and maybe a chunk of blue cheese if you’re lucky. F that dude.

  92. Anonymous says:

    A good list. But you’re missing one of the worst type of drunks.

    The person that insists that everyone that they talk to is drunk. Conversations with then usually don’t last much longer than a few minutes if you’re sober. During which you will be driven, quickly, to the brink of inflicting physical harm as they will spend the entire time trying to convince you drunk you are, and how funny/much more fun you are when you are drunk.

  93. Anonymous says:

    aw damn it i’m the wrestler guy…
    should’ve quit after one year…

  94. Bootylam! says:

    It’s MR! AND I’M NOT TALKING LOUDER THAN ANYONE ELSE!

  95. Anonymous says:

    Mrs. I Can’t Control the Volume of My Voice

  96. StephO says:

    God, I have a friend who is just like this. She is usually very quiet, but after a couple of shots, you need to get your ears cleaned out the next day. “Mrs. I’m screaming because I think no one can hear me.”

  97. Anonymous says:

    Mr./Mrs. “Prove your a strong person by drinking you under the table”

  98. Anonymous says:

    Don’t egg us on then!

  99. Anonymous says:

    Can i get this list printed on tshirt…awesome gents

  100. smizzle says:

    what about mr. i pass out and piss everywhere

  101. Anonymous says:

    dude i’m a number nine, i don’t even need an excuse i just go around high fiving random dudes. i think i make up for it by the fact that i know my limits, and i never get drunker than that.

  102. Anonymous says:

    six out of ten times its you

  103. Anonymous says:

    I hate that guy!

  104. anonymous says:

    outstanding list!

    What about Mr or Mrs “thinks s/he’s so smart s/he’s going to discuss politics/global issues/the state of the world with anyone around even if they don’t give a shit, because s/he is intoxicated enough to ‘think’ s/he is actually brilliant.” wankety-wank-wank.

  105. Angel Amazing says:

    you left out Mr. I love you

  106. Anonymous says:

    omg, I hate Mr. I Love You!!

  107. Christopher says:

    I HAD to quit drinking due to liver problems . . . no shit. When I told my boss, who is much older than me and who had quit drinking to save his marriage, he said the first party I go to where I’m not drinking will be a shock to me. He was right. It is incredible what assholes some people become when they drink.

  108. Anonymous says:

    You forgot the drunk dialer/don’t drink and dial: the person who begins calling people randomly at 3am who they have not talked to in several years slurring nonsense in their ear.

  109. Loutwo33 says:

    Less we forget Mr./Mrs. Jekyl and Hyde. Don’t you love them! The night is rolling and everyone is having a good time when that one word or innocent movement ends up being the spark that turns on the personality switch. You knew it was coming and you tried to avoid it, but wham now your the reason for the birth of the Hyde! For the next few minutes the beast evolves, rants, and calms. The entire mood of everyone is altered and your included. The next morning you get the apology call filled with the same broken promises. Who will be there next victim?

  110. Anonymous says:

    Viva drunk texting. I am notorious for this. It’s terrible and what’s even sneakier is I’ll drunkenly delete them, wake up the next day and see that field blank…I know then that I have done something very, very bad…ex sex text(ing) something like that…which I WOULD NEVER do sober. Can’t even remember the fucking number sober. I get all “Psychic Friends Network” and remember phone numbers I long ago erased for this very reason lol.

  111. Personof2009 says:

    Shit! what do we do if we have been every one of these kinds of drunks! rehab perhaps?

  112. IndianaMike says:

    what about – Mr. and Mrs. I’m planning to pass out with my head on the bar/table/toilet seat and force one of my friends who’s actually having a good time to make sure I get home alright?