Alcohol is a wonderful thing, but it can also turn your friends into those people that take a fun night of drinking and turn it into a sobfest, a fight or an uncomfortable conversation. Here are the 10 worst types of drunk people.
10. MRS. "I WILL BE CRYING BY THE END OF THE NIGHT"
It’s the end of the evening and everyone in the group you came with have all decided to look at your phones, try to find a cab, or pay your bill, for a total of about twenty two seconds. Unfortunately this is twenty two seconds you could have spent paying full attention to this girl. This causes this girls self esteem levels to fall dangerously low, and they can only be raised by the insertion of a random man’s penis inside her vagina, or by getting as many of her friends to pay attention to her as possible. If said penis is not available, tears are the next best thing. She’ll start balling uncontrollably, then when everyone gathers around her and asks her what’s wrong, inevitably the reason will be so perplexing you’ll make the same face you made when you realized at the end of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis was actually dead.
YOU: Hey, should I call a cab?
FRIEND: Yeah, I think so, it’ll take a bit to get here.
MRS. CRYER: (SOBBING), God, (SOBBING, SNOT RUNNING), I feel so stupid!
EVERYONE: What’s wrong? Are you okay? Oh my god, what happened?
MRS. CRYER: I-(SOB) I saw a homeless guy (SOB) yester-(SOB)-day and I thought, ohmygod you guys.
YOU: You thought oh my god, what?
MRS. CRYER: (SOBBING INTENSIFIES) I just, I don’t know. (More sobbing)
9. MR. "I WILL HIGH-FIVE EVERYTHING YOU SAY"
This guy is so excited to be wasted that anything you say will get him so pumped up, he will stand up and run over to you while holding both of his hands in the air for a full-on double high-five. But despite what you might think, he’s not really listening to what you’re saying, he’s just so hammered that he’s picking up random words you say and using them as an excuse to high-five. You could be talking about anything from NATO’s new role in the Pacific region to the fact that Coldplay sucks–it doesn’t matter–he will high-five you.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: You: So, the doctor walked in and said I had to have my gall bladder removed.
MR HIGH-FIVE: Gall bladder! YES! (high five)
YOU: (sheepish high-five) Thanks…Phil. So…I went in for the surgery, and when I woke up the surgeon came in and said everything was a success, except that they found a small cyst on my large intestine.
MR HIGH-FIVE: Intestine, bitch! HIGH-FIVE time!
YOU: Are you high-fiving my intestine or intestines in general?
MR HIGH-FIVE: High fiving! (high five)
8. MRS. "I’M SO FAT, AREN’T I?"
Everyone likes to have a little attention thrown their way. But after a few cocktails, this girl’s sole purpose for speaking is to get you to give her a complement. But to do that, she talks about herself in a faux-negative light so you can tell her how wrong she is. The problem is, she IS a little fat, but since you’re a guy and you want to have sex with her anyway, you fall into her trap every time.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Oh God, I just got the worst hair coloring at the salon. Look at this. Doesn’t it look terrible?
YOU: Ohhhhh, noooooo. No no no no. Not at all. It looks good. Really nice, actually.
MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Ugh. It’s not as bad as these jeans I just got. They do NOT fit my hips at all. They totally make me look fat.
YOU: Those jeans? Are you crazy? They look great! I was just about to complement you on them. They make your hips look super sexy.
MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Really? But they give me those muffintops I heard you guys talking about earlier. You said something like, “Muffintops make me want to shit puke and then puke shit.”
YOU: No, I never said that. I LOVE muffintops. I think they’re…super hot. I don’t like super skinny girls. I don’t think girls should look like that.
MRS. COMPLEMENTS: Awww. I totally agree! It’s so not natural!
7. MR. “CALLS YOU A HOMO IF YOU’RE NOT DOING SHOTS EVERY TWO MINUTES”
I’m not certain, but to date, I don’t think scientists have found any evidence that links “refusing to take shots of alcohol” to “being a homosexual.” But apparently this guy has because he’s quick to tell you “dude, don’t be a fag, bro, take this shot of Jager.” No matter what drink you’re holding, or even if you’ve taken a shot earlier in the night, nothing you do is good enough for this guy if you’re not pounding liquor like you’re trying to forget a rape.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: MR SHOTS: Shot time, bro! Let’s do it! Little Jack D action.
YOU: I don’t know man, I don’t do well with shots. Plus, I have a Jack and coke al-
MR. SHOTS: Bro, get the dick out of your mouth and take the shot.
YOU: Ha, I’d really rather not man, but thanks.
MR. SHOTS: Bro, come on, get up off the cock you’re sitting on and take this shot!
6. MRS. “I’M GOING TO MAKE-OUT WITH YOU JUST TO MAKE MY BOYFRIEND ANGRY"
After an evening in a bar, this girl will invariably feel like her boyfriend is ignoring her because he’s either playing Big Buck Hunter or having a four-minute conversation with one of his friends. As retaliation, she will scan the bar and see you as a perfect way to remind her boyfriend how important she is to him. You, being an idiot with an easily-manipulated ego, assume her overbearing advances are because you just got a super sweet haircut or because you’re God’s gift to the ladies. You are wrong on both counts.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: MRS. BOYFRIEND: I’ve been staring at you all night.
YOU: Really? Wow.
MRS. BOYFRIEND: I’ve got a thing for guys who wear jackets.
YOU: I just got this jacket the other day. It’s new.
[Begin make-out session]
YOU: Hey, do you want to get out of here? I live only a few blocks away.
MRS. BOYFRIEND: No, I’m going to leave with my boyfriend.
YOU: You’re boyfriend? Who’s he?
MRS. BOYFRIEND: He’s the guy walking over here right now. The big one.
[Begin face-punching session]
5. MR. “DID I EVER TELL YOU I WAS MOLESTED?"
Everytime this guy has a few drinks, he wants to have a heart-to-heart discussion about his most intimate thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t matter that you are in a crowded bar where everyone else around you is screaming for rum and Cokes and saying stuff like, “That girl’s titties are like, massive, bro.” This guy really needs to get the time his step-dad gave him a taint massage when he was 11 years old off his chest.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: YOU: I can not believe the Bears didn’t make the playoffs. How do you not beat the Texans? The Texans!
MR. MOLESTED: Dude, you’ve been a really good friend to me through a lot of shit. I never told you this, but when I was younger, I was, sorta, oh man how do I say this…touched by one of my babysitters.
YOU: Uhhh, that…totally sucks, dude. But you told me this last week.
MR. MOLESTED: I did? Sorry, it’s just that sometimes, I just can’t get this image out of my mind. My therapist said I needed to talk about the incident with trusted friends if I ever want to get over it.
YOU: You want to talk about it again? Can we talk about those gargantuan tatas over there, instead?
MR. MOLESTED: I wish I could talk about them. But what happened to me makes it hard for me to be intimate with the opposite sex.
YOU: I lost an erection once when the Bears lost a home playoff game.
4. MRS. "I BECOME A FAKE LESBIAN AFTER HAPPY HOUR"
It’s been mathematically proven that lesbians equal awesome, but the worst thing a chick can do is be a fake lesbian. The fake lesbian is easily identified by her penchant for tequila. After she downs a few, she’ll start discussing some super-hot chicks that she likes, and is very attracted to. She’ll soon progress to a heated, detailed discussion about which chicks in the bar she’d make out with. The problem is that she’s all talk. She’s not making out with anyone tonight and she knows it. A fake lesbian is like a bizarro version of Back to the Future where the Delorean has an engine problem and can only go 87 mph. It’s terribly frustrating, and nothing ever happens.
HER: Ooh. That chick at the bar is hot. I love her skirt. It’s so short.
YOU: Yeah, she is hot.
HER: I’m gonna wait til she goes to the bathroom, and then I’ll go in after her and hopefully we can strike up a conversation.
YOU: Whoa, really?
HER: Totally. She’s got great boobs. I’d love to see them…touch them…caress them…
2 HOURS LATER
HER: If she comes up to me, I’m totally going to just grab her and start making out.
HER: I’m going to wait for her outside when she leave the bar, and then just get it on with her on the sidewalk.
3. MR. "I’M GOING TO PROFESS MY LOVE TO MY EX-GIRLFRIEND VIA TEXT MESSAGE"
There’s two famous equations in the history of the world. 1) E=MC^2 and 2)Drunk + Text Messaging = regret. Usually this guy realizes at about 1 in the morning that no girl in this bar is going to come up to him walking backwards with their pants down and legs spread with a sign on their back that says “please F me,” so he gets super depressed and thinks no women like him. That’s when he busts out the phone and decides to text message the last girl that had sex with him, talking himself into the fact that they still have chemistry and their love was real, and she’d love to hear him profess his love to her at 1:45 in the morning via a text message that misspells the word “the” four times.
MR. TEXT MESSAGE: Dude, chicks just aren’t in to me.
YOU: Maybe you should try talking to them, instead of standing in this poorly lit corner of the bar, behind a table.
MR. TEXT MESSAGE: You know, I should text my ex. We had a real thing man. I don’t know how it got all messed up, but it was real. I’m gonna text her.
YOU: She has a boyfriend now. Plus, she told you to never text her again, the last time you texted her.
MR. TEXT: She was just saying that because she knew what we had was real, man. Her heart was saying she wanted to hear from me, you know.
YOU: No. I don’t. Give me you phone right the fuck now.
MR. TEXT: Too late, I already sent her three texts a couple minutes ago. Hey, is soul mate one word or two?
2. MRS. “TIME TO BRING UP OLD SHIT YOU’VE DONE THAT PISSES ME OFF.”
Girls are like national geographic specials: They like to dig up really old shit and then talk about it for several hours. As soon as this girl gets boozy, she’s accesses the google search inside her head and types in shit like “time I thought I was pregnant and my boyfriend made an abortion joke.” Then she’ll take that little emotional bomb, and hurl it at you like you’re occupying a middle eastern country.
YOU: So, I was thinking we could head to another bar.
MRS. OLD SHIT: Sure, yeah. Maybe we could head to another bar without me, like you did on Halloween two years ago. Let’s do that, that would be awesome.
YOU: What? I didn’t go without you, I thought you were already- why are we talking about this, it happened two years ago!
MRS. OLD SHIT: Maybe you should talk about it with your ex-girlfriend, like you did on my birthday.
YOU: She called me asking for the name of my mechanic!
MRS. OLD SHIT: How come you’ve never given me the name of your mechanic.
1. MR. LET’S WRESTLE
I think it’s great that you wrestled for two years in high school. Good for you. But depending on what kind of party we’re at, that was anywhere from 3 to 10 years ago, and you probably weren’t really, really drunk at every wrestling match. This guy will let you know when he’s ready to go by approaching you in a Quazimoto-type stance. He’ll proceed to swat at you playfully like an orangutan chasing bubbles, constantly repeating “C’mon. C’mon. C’mon.” He’s going to wrestle someone or something tonight. That’s inevitable. You’ll just have to make sure that it’s not you.
TYPICAL CONVERSATION: YOU: (talking to someone else) Yeah, so after astronaut school, I just wanted to chill for a while.
MR. WRESTLE: Dude! Dude! Dude! C’mon. C’mon, dude. C’mon.
YOU: Hey, man. I’m having a conversation here. Please stop playfully swatting at me.
MR. WRESTLE: C’mon. C’mon. C’mon. C’mon, dude. C’mon.
YOU: I don’t want to wrestle you.
MR. WRESTLE: I don’t wanna wrestle you either. I just wanna teach you how to suplex somebody.
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