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12 Deviant Days of Christmas: 12 Arrested Santas

Holy Taco is ringing in the 12 Days of Christmas by counting down some of the best of the deranged the holiday season has to offer.  And on the 12th day of Christmas we gave to you 12 arrested Santas.

#12 – Kidnapper Santa

Starting the season with the creepy Santas, Anthony Russo, who looks like the sort of guy who might dress up like Santa and try to kidnap someone, dressed up like Santa and tried to kidnap someone. According to the in depth news report, he hid in a bush, in full Santa costume, and jumped out at a 12 year old girl. The girl escaped by walking away. You can already feel the Michael Bay tension, can’t you?

To make matters more intense, he gave chase and grabbed her arm. At which point she walked into a store and complained. From there Santa flew the coop and was arrested on a city bus, presumably lamely reaching out at other passengers and missing them completely.

#11 – Fighting Santa

During a parade in England, hilarity erupted in the form of Santa Claus beating the snot out of a teenager in the crowd. Honestly, you don’t need to know much more than that, because that’s a really awesome sentence. Nonetheless, police broke the fight up and took Santa into custody, handcuffing him in front of a number of children who were likely so traumatized they’re going to grow up to ant to be whipped by fat man for sexual gratification. Think I’m wrong? Ask a psychiatrist until he admits I’m right.

#10 – Santa Exposure

santa flashing

Of all the places Santa turns up during the holidays, Wal Mart has to be one of the least trustworthy. Wal Mart is its own punch line, so you know their Santa Claus has something up his sleeve. And in this case it’s his penis. Probably wasn’t really up his sleeve, but ignore the segue and focus on the creepy.

Indeed this Wal Mart St. Dick whipped out his yule log (wicked pun, eh?) and showed it to a 15 year old, because if you’re going to be arrested for being a disgusting pervert, you may as well go to town. He apparently also invited the youngster back to his workshop for some knob nog.

#9 – Shin Kicker Santa

Imagine having to be jolly and full of cheer all the time; it’s gotta be painful. You can almost relate, then, to the Santa who went all drunk and stumble bum into a Chicago shop and started tossing out obscenities until he was escorted from the store. At that point, he pushed his escort and made off with drunken Santa speed. Police caught up with him shortly thereafter, because a drunk in a Santa hat has as much chance of getting away from a police pursuit as Holy Taco editors do of actually meeting women who want to touch them.

Thinking quick, Santa spit on an officer and kicked her in the shins, presumably because it was a female and she didn’t have balls and he was all out of slapstick comedy ideas.

#8 – Internet Stalking Santa

Back to the creepy Santas and we meet 50 year old part-time Yeti James Gray Daniel who, went not making toys, tries to hook up with teenage girls on the internet. After arranging his last meeting he drove to a prearranged spot with his printed directions and discovered cops waiting for him, because police are on to your creepy Santa shenanigans even if the mall hiring departments are not.

#7 – Paint Splasher Santa

Likely the best deranged Santa story you’ll hear all day, 69 year old Joe Pepitone (not the ball player), was dressed in a Santa hat and a homemade cardboard barrel when he vandalized the “Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas” sign with some paint. Why did he do such a thing? Obama.

#6 – Pant Dropper Santa

In Salem, New Hampshire, a Santa who may or may not have been trying to audition for the part of mall Santa, entered a local mall in full costume and proceeded to wander around dropping trou in front of strangers. There are probably some things more disturbing than seeing Santa walk up to you at the Cinnabon and whip out his weiner, but you’d really have to pause for a moment to think about what they are.

Mall security, as effective as ever, asked Perv Santa to leave, which he did. While dropping his pants.

#5 – G String Drunkard Santa

drunk santa

Lots of Santas are understandably drunkards – the job requires you to sit and hide yourself behind a nefarious disguise, it’s kind of perfect for drifters and low lifes. That said, it’s nice to see a drunk Santa getting extra festive, like the one arrested in Hollywood whilst driving around in a red lace camisole and a purple G-string, along with his Santa hat. That’s just classy.

#4 -Trespassing Santa

Back to the drunk tank where we’ll meet Tom Arnold, not Roseanne’s ex, who decided to get pissed up with some beers and then drive to a children’s party yelling for his reindeer. The kids on the scene described him as drunk, which is pretty concise, and police were called to escort him back to the workshop to dry out. What make a drunken Santa drive around the neighborhood looking for reindeer? Probably those beers.

#3 – Chimney Burglar Santa

So this guy might not have actually been dressed like Santa or anything, but the cops still decided to call him the Santa Claus Burglar after he went down someone’s chimney in an effort to rob them and then got stuck. It’s like no one ever saw the first Gremlins movie, where they make it pretty clear that if you go down the chimney you will die and then later your children will be attacked by Gremlins. Honest to goodness Gremlins. On Christmas. I mean, come on.

#2 – Insane Killer Santa

Topping the list of batshit crazy Santas is the jolly old elf who busted into a home in the middle of a Christmas party and started shooting people before whipping out the Molotov cocktails. Santa’s pissed when he starts shooting people at your party, but if he feels the need to fire bomb you afterwards you know you’ve gone far beyond naughty.

#1 – Bank Robber Santa

bad santa

Possibly the most impressive Santa crime of them all, the story of Marshall Ratliff is actually folklore now, meaning his Santa crime was so damn good, people go to the spot where it happened to see the memorials

Back in 1927, Ratliff got the notion that robbing a bank while dressed as Santa was somehow better than just a regular bank robbery. You could chock this up to the disguise factor, but his identity being unknown was never an issue in the aftermath, and a 10 year old girl identified him at his trial, so it must have been a pretty ghetto costume. Nonetheless, he wore it two days before Christmas as he walked down the street is Cisco, Texas, drawing a crowd of children because no crime is really as poorly thought out as one that attracts a crowd of children.

Ratliff met up with a couple of partners and the group entered the bank and robbed the shutout of it. And within about two minutes everything went to hell as law enforcement was alerted and bullets began flying. Local legend says more than 200 bullets hit the bank, and a few hit people inside the bank, but all three robbers managed to escape, with hostages and a few thousand dollars. For a while anyway.

Turns out Santa forget to gas up his sleigh before making his getaway, so the crew had to carjack a kid on the way out of town. Then it turned out the kid, after getting out of his car, took the keys. Then, when Santa went back to his original car, he forgot the money in the new car. Oh man, comedy of errors.

The entire time this was going on,t he group was being pursued by a posse of citizens and law enforcement that was steadily growing larger. In fact, it ended up being one of the largest in the history of Texas before it ended. Several cars and a hunt through scrub brush later, Santa and his crew were felled in an oil field. Santa was captured not just with 6 guns on him, but 6 bullet holes in him. His partners actually managed to get away for another day, both of them also shot, but were then captured.

Santa was sentenced to 99 years in prison and was denied an appeal. However, he crafted some Green Mile scheme later to pretend he was paralyzed and his jailers ended up falling for it eventually when they had to bathe and dress him, until the day he stole one of their guns. One jailer was shot and killed and Santa fought the other hand to hand but lost, after which a mob gathered and, forcing their way in, dragged Santa outside and hung him. Now that’s how Santa commits a crime.

2 Responses to "12 Deviant Days of Christmas: 12 Arrested Santas"

  1. ToyMachine says:

    nucking futs!

  2. GOODSTUFF says:

    great line
    Indeed this Wal Mart St. Dick whipped out his yule log (wicked pun, eh?)