Despite what the commentors say, I’m a straight guy. As such, I’ve never had much experience with vibrators. It’s not that I’m confident in my ability to satisfy a woman. Far from it. It’s just that I never cared enough to shell out the money required to obtain one. Besides, who would I use it on? I’m single, and despite what the commentors say, my mom is dead.
But earlier today, I was emailed the image above, and it piqued my curiosity. After all, if the "Cornbrator" exists (here’s a real one, if you want to be a dick about it. Here, too), what other disturbing vibrators are waiting to be found on the internet? I decided to find out, and after painstakingly researching the subject, I present my findings to you.
I Rub My Duckie® Bondage Edition
When massaging your genitals with a vibrating rubber duckie just isn’t enough, it’s time to take things to the next level with the I Rub My Duckie® Personal Vibrating Massager: Bondage Edition. For less than $20 and the cost of two AA batteries, you can go duck yourself better than a man ever could. And yes, it’s waterproof.
Middle Finger Vibe
Sometimes, life gives you the middle finger. When it does, you can head home and give it right back, compliments of the Middle Finger Vibe. Well, that used to be the case. I’m not sure this product is still available, which is a real shame. I guess people were put off by the $40 price tag…or maybe it was the idea of shoving a giant cartoon finger up themselves.
I was surprised to learn that there’s a whole line of vibrators that are disguised as candy. For a modern woman on the go looking to hide her battery-operated boyfriend, this product is perfect…unless she has kids…or someone wants a piece of candy.
I would think the fact that a vibrator can’t talk is one of its major selling points. But the people behind the Bad Vibes Talking Vibrator disagree. Not only does the Bad Vibes talk, but it says things that mock the user. I guess some girls really do like to be put in their place. And to think, you always thought your dad was abusive. Turns out your mom was just kinky.
Candy Cane Hide-a-Vibe
Speaking of your Mom, Christmas is right around the corner. And what better way to spread the holiday spirit than with a candy-cane shaped vibrator for dead-old mum. No man will touch her since you ruined her vagina during childbirth, so it’s only fitting.
Death By Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator
As long as we’re on holidays, let’s look at the Death By Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator. It’s perfect for Halloween, I guess. All I have to say is that if you’re OK with bugs in your crotch, maybe there’s a reason you need a vibrator.
Bona-Phone bills itself as "the world’s first penis phone." I’m not sure if that’s true, considering how many dicks I see talking on their phones in public. Even so, the device ensures that if your booty-calls don’t work out, you won’t have to go far.
OhMiBod and the VOX AmPlug
This is really a vibrator and an accessory rather than a stand alone item. Even so, a vibrator controlled via guitar is still impressive. For all the girls who wanted to get nailed by a guitarist but never got the chance, here’s the next best thing.
The Steam Punk Vibrator
For those of you unfamilar with Steam Punk, wikipedia describes it as dorks building anachronistic technology or futuristic innovations as people from the Victorian Age may have envisioned them. As such, I give you the Steam Punk vibrator. Queen Victoria would be proud. Careful, it might be hot. It’s powered by steam.
The Purple Thunder
I know some people are into pain, but a vibrator with spikes all over it seems a bit excessive. If you disagree, the Purple Thunder is for you. Sicko.
The Nanny Cam Vibrator/Video Camera
Sadly, it doesn’t look like this item is still available, but it was a hell of an idea. You can clearly see when a vibrator is satisfying your girlfriend. But wouldn’t you like to see why? With the Nanny Cam vibrator, you could do just that. Using the built-in video camera, you’d see all sorts of things that are usually left to the gynecologist. Our society is clearly in decline. May the Chinese have mercy on us. Then again, this was probably made in China.