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12 Vintage Costumes That Need to Make a Comeback

In 2013, every costume is of labia with some kind of vaguely identifiable theme.  Nurse labia, bee labia, Spongebob labia.  I don’t even know if they make men’s costumes anymore.  But it doesn’t matter because 2013 is a wash.  To find the true awesomeness of Halloween we must look to the past.  Here’s 12 costumes I want to see strolling the streets this year and every year henceforth.

The Fonz

God this thing is sweet.  Look at it. I want to see Henry Winkler wearing this.  Just slap on that Mitt Romney mask and the cool ass t shirt with the mutated love child of Don Knotts and Gary Busey on it and go out begging for candy.  I would wear this to work.

Faceless Terror

No costume can really trump a mask that, even in every day clothes, makes your testicles recede. Likely as a result of a solid 30+ years of horror films about masked maniacs, any child wearing such a deformed head piece as these monstrosities is likely to get as many terrified stares as fun-sized Snickers’.

The Green Hornet

Remnants of the 70s and 80s, this style of costume has sadly gone by the wayside. I had a Hulk costume when I was maybe 4 that featured a smock depicting the Hulk on a rampage, it made no sense.  This Green Hornet costume is even better because of the mask.  Notice that the Green Hornet is just a guy in a mask. Rather than give you just the mask, the mask is a face wearing a mask.  Why?  Because it’s twice as disguising, that’s why!  No one doubles up on disguises anymore.

The Masked Vanillas

This is a mom whose kids wanted to do something for Halloween so she said “hell yeah” and destroyed a sheet set to ensure everyone was going to be some damn thing.  Are they the ghosts of superheroes? Are they the founding fathers of the KKK?  God only knows, but they’re pretty bad ass and very clean.

R2D2

This looks like R2D2 if R2D2 became one of those skanky background dancey girls in the first Austin Powers movie, just needs some knee-high silver boots.  Naturally that’s awesome.

Phone Heads

Dude just strapped a goddamn phone to his face.  That’s a man who had beer with dinner.  That’s a guy I want to party with.

Shirley

Holy shit, I had no idea this went on.  The Fonz was interesting, but he’s iconic.  Can you imagine the kid stomping around the neighborhood dressed as Shirley?  Can you imagine the balls that little girl had?  I salute that little girl and hope her insane choice can live on.

The Michelin Men

I’m just guessing as to what these costumes are.  But seriously, imagine trying to sell that as a woman’s costume today.  Slutty tire man!  Look at those curves!  The best part of this costume is that I have no idea what it is.  But also you could probably lift all kinds of shit at a party and hide it in your crevices.

Superman

Now in fairness, all of these are bad ass costumes but a tip of that hat to Superman because, as you may recall, Superman doesn’t wear a mask.  It’s like costume makers back in the day couldn’t fathom the idea of a costume that didn’t have a mask with it.  If there was no mask, you were just a kid in shitty pajamas.

Nazi Clown

Was this the villain in Roberto Benini’s Life is Beautiful?  I don’t think this photo was taken pre WWII so I can’t imagine a time when this was socially acceptable, which is precisely why it needs to be resurrected.  As a man who posts galleries of offensive Halloween costumes each and every year, I defy you to honestly think of anything more offensive than a child’s Nazi clown costume that I guarantee was made with sincerity.

Colonel Sanders

Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t make the list, but there’s something about a little girl in a Colonel Sanders makes that makes me proud to be alive.

This Guy

Hey, what are you for Halloween?  An alien sex offender!

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