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13 Inexplicable Male Porn Stars

The world of porn is a strange reflection of the real world.  It’s more naked, and ladies are willing to have sex when they lack funds for pizza, when the cable guy comes or even if it’s raining and they can’t go out and play squash.  The women are surgically perfected but the men are like funhouse representations of dudes in ways that boggle the mind.  Half the dudes seem to be generic muscle-freaks and the rest look like they escaped from a zoo.  And yet women do them.  On camera.  All day long.  And no one in the HT office can even get a woman to make eye contact with us.  Anyway, here are the 13 most mind-boggling.

 

Randy Spears

Looks Like:  Joe Piscopo

Possible Explanation for Fame:  Joe Piscopo arguably sucked and porn is all about sucking.  But it should be noted that the Piscopo cop movie Dead Heat in which Piscopo plays a zombie police officer is the best movie ever that can be described with those words.

 

Arnold Schwarzenpecker

Looks Like: The love child of Miguel Ferrer and Clint Howard

Possible Explanation for Fame: The clever dichotomy of his name, invoking images of a muscular weiner, with his physical appearance as a skuzzy man-thing.  Or ladies only wanted to work with someone they felt they could physically overpower.

 

Jake Malone

Looks Like: The evil doctor from Human Centipede

Possible Explanation for Fame: Whatever made the actual movie Human Centipede popular.  Gross people, I guess.

Dick Nasty

Looks Like: Fat Peter Boyle

Possible Explanation for Fame:  People like a man who looks like he probably has butterscotch candy in his pockets.  Also, can’t you picture him washing his driveway on a Sunday, yelling at neighborhood kids to stay off his lawn while he tries in vain to keep dirt off the ground?  Yeah, you can picture it.

Tim Von Swine

Looks Like: One of the less popular Baldwins

Possible Explanation for Fame: Like all Baldwins, someone was hoping his very minimal resemblance to Alec Baldwin means he has some of whatever it is that makes Alec Baldwin popular.  But, just like all the other Baldwins, he doesn’t.  Doesn’t mean a kid can’t dream.

Alex Sanders

Looks Like: Nord from Waterworld

Possible Explanation for Fame: Hair like a lion always makes one seem somehow regal yet uncontrollably insane at the same time.  If you look like a lion with a loose perm, even better.  Means you’re special.

 

 Dirty Harry

Looks Like: A guy selling sausages on the street

Possible Explanation for Fame:  If this guy can act in porn, then there’s hope for any desperately sad man who has aspired to that level of troglodytery.

 

Max Hardcore

Looks Like: The personified regrets of Texas

Possible Explanation for Fame: In reality, he’s famous because he’s so debauched it will make you cringe to watch him and yet, like watching a car accident, you can’t turn away, assuming you enjoy car accidents that involve the degradation of another naked human being.  So if you liked the movie Crash by David Cronenberg.

 

Evan Stone

Looks Like: Bastard child of Fabio and Kirstie Alley in Star Trek

Possible Explanation for Fame:  If Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones have taught us nothing else, it’s that high fantasy is popular and can draw a huge crowds.  So this poor man’s Conan is kind of like merging your love of fantasy with your love of glory hole videos.

 

Brian Surewood

Looks Like: Homeless Macho Man Randy Savage

Possible Explanation for Fame:  Probably some kind of pun to do with “bum f*ck.”

 

Mr.Pete

Looks Like: Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel’s Cool Brother

Possible Explanation for Fame:  Have you ever been to a super low class bar that’s mostly popular with people who live in tenements or town houses where everyone grows their own pot?  The girls who live in those places and go to those bars are genetically predisposed to find this man attractive.

 

Ron Jeremy

Looks Like:  Ron Jeremy

Possible Explanation for Fame:  He was the first, the best and the most enduring of all the WTF male porn stars.  He just doesn’t give a shit and that means that you, in turn, don’t give a shit.  And so here we are, 100 years later, and he’s still famous.  He even has rum named after him.

 

Buck Angel

Looks Like:  Someone without a vagina

Possible Explanation for Fame: So Buck here isn’t technically a dude, insofar as Buck, despite looking like someone without a vagina, has a vagina.  Yes, Buck is the fabled female-to-male transsexual, the Chaz Bono of the adult film industry.  That’s a novelty act right there.

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