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13 Shocking Revelations from George W. Bush’s Autobiography

George W Bush Autobiography

George W. Bush’s memoir, Decision Points, hits book stores on November 9th. Sections of the book, including the first line, have already been leaked to The Drudge Report. I have a sister who buys Meth from a guy who works at the Crown Publishers warehouse, and he managed to sneak me an advanced copy. So, without further ado, here are 13 surprising revelations in George Bush’s new memoir.

  • The book begins, “It was a simple question, ‘Can you remember the last day you didn’t have a drink?’” The book ends, “Pass me the f*cking Thunderbird or I will slash your goddamn throat, mom!”
  • From 1959 to 1962, George and his brother Neil traveled the country as famous boy detectives, solving a series of mysteries including The Case of the Cantankerous Chinaman and The Curse of the Nefarious Negro.
  • Bush still speaks bitterly about an incident at Princeton where a group of “Nerds” from the Lambda-Lambda-Lambda fraternity seduced his girlfriend and wrestled away control of The Greek Council during the annual homecoming games.
  • For his initiation into Skull and Bones, Bush was jokingly given the task of killing “Hogan’s Heroes” star Bob Crane, a task he unwittingly took at face value and completed in 1978.
  • During his time in the Texas Air National Guard, Bush was commended for steering new recruits away from drugs by bravely bogarting his unit’s entire supply of cocaine.
  • Bush recounts an uncomfortable moment after a 2000 Republican primary debate in which Alan Keyes refereed to Orrin Hatch as “a wigger.”
  • While Bush was the first President to complete an MBA, he was the third president, behind James Madison and Grover Cleveland, to take part in a DVDA not involving a slave.
  • In the days immediately following the 9-11 attacks, Bush watched the Kurt Russell/Steven Seagal action flick, Executive Decision, no less than 13 times.
  • Throughout the book, Bush repeatedly refers to Saddam Hussein as “the bad guy from Hot Shots! Part Deux.”
  • While eating at a Washington, DC, Wendey’s, Bush coined the term “Triple Stack of Evil” in reference to Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. The term was latter modified.
  • The second-to-last chapter is copied word-for-word from Air Force One, staring Harrison Ford.
  • Without going into specifics, Bush warns against trying “the biscuits and gravy” while visiting Barney Frank’s condo.
  • The only mention of Barack Obama comes in the "Acknowledgments" section, when Bush thanks the current president for single-handedly restoring his legacy.

17 Responses to "13 Shocking Revelations from George W. Bush’s Autobiography"

  1. Ian Fortey says:
    I’m almost positive the guy who wrote this never even went to 5th grade, so there
  2. Another fail. says:

    Pretty clever!

  3. DonkeyXote says:

    0.o

    Not funnies!

  4. Holy Taco HR Dept. says:

    Clear out your desk Ian.

  5. LJM says:

    Okay, you’re not funny. That’s okay. There are worse things to be. Just find something you’re good at and stick with that. Don’t distract yourself with trying to be funny, because you’re not. And that’s okay. Really. As long as you stop.

  6. Lance Bass says:

    That was so lame I think I’m straight now.

  7. George Bush Jr. says:

    TERRIBLE ARTICLE……

  8. iamphoenix says:

    i wanted to laugh. but this wasn’t funny.

  9. Fatty McGee says:

    Did Holy Taco fire all the funny employees?

  10. Noah Webster says:

    Did Holy Taco fire their proofreader? Stop being so lazy and give the thing a once-over before submitting.

  11. bushlubber says:

    yes indeed, very very unfunny, given the wealth of material available

  12. ktrain says:

    wow- this was just awful

  13. Ihateshittyarticles says:

    this sucks.

  14. 1anddone says:

    Wow, this fucking sucks. 1 and done because this is the first and only time I will visit your stupid fucking site. It’s a shame you are part of Break media. Monkeys do better work when they throw their shit on walls. You fucking fuck fuck.

  15. DonkeyXote says:

    Please don’t go! :(

    xD

  16. Kellen Robson says:

    This is something that a 5th grader would write. Fire this person.