No one at Holy Taco is particularly experienced in drug pushing. One of our interns got suspended in 8th grade for trading Flintstone vitamins for half of another kid’s Lunchables, but that’s about it. Unless you count pot as a drug, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, our knowledge mostly comes from research and observation. Of people we don’t know. And have never met. Next paragraph.
If you want to take up the lucrative but generally illegal trade of drug traffickers the world over, there’s a handful of things you need to be aware of. Things that Jose Ramirez-Rodriguez and Efrain Rodriguez-Juarez were not aware of. And hey, it’s cool, practice makes perfect and all that. How could they be expected to know that, when they have 50kg of cocaine in the trunk worth nearly $20 million, it’s a bad idea to park illegally in the driveway of the local police station? Or know that the guy driving needed a license? Or know to not have a little statue of Jesus Malverde, the unofficial Mexican saint of drug dealers, sitting on the dashboard?
These are little hiccups that can ruin any drug dealers day. So the next time you plan on offloading a few kilos of Flintstone vitamins, here are the 14 things you need to avoid to make sure you’re swimming in $19.3 million worth of Lunchables by the week’s end.
• DO NOT drive down the street setting off illegal fireworks from a bucket on the hood where the fireworks are held in place in by 9 inches of cocaine.
• DO NOT make the drop naked in public, or ensconced in some kind of sauce
• DO NOT use an ice cream truck as your vehicle while broadcasting the 31 flavors of crack you have in the back
• DO NOT set up a cocaine stand on a street corner
• DO NOT carry the drugs around in a Ziploc baggy or on some kind of serving platter
• DO NOT use a shotgun as an advertising tool
• DO NOT put off your drug run briefly so you can force a busload of nuns off the road, then board the bus and punch each of the nuns in the face
• DO NOT post drug selling hours on a sign on your lawn
• DO NOT go to Cafepress to design a “I have 50kg of cocaine in my trunk” shirt that you will wear when driving around with your 50kg of cocaine in you trunk
• DO NOT ask the police if they’d mind watching your car to make sure no one steals the drugs in your trunk while you pop into Starbucks
• DO NOT charm police by saying “what’s that behind your ear?” before pulling out a baggie of crack
• DO NOT ask police if you can store a little of your giant pile of cocaine in their asses for later
• DO NOT use some of your profit to get a custom paint job on your car that includes bikini chicks snowboarding down a cocaine mountain with the words “Coke Express” airbrushed across the driver’s door and the hood.
• DO NOT roll a toddler in cocaine to pretend he’s a ghost