14 Deleted Scenes You Won’t Find On The Star Wars Blu-Ray

Today at Comic-Con the world got its first taste of the long-awaited deleted scenes that will be featured on the equally long-awaited Star Wars Blu-ray coming out later this year.

Of course, seeing as it’s George Lucas we’re talking about, there will still be scenes left in the vaults for future of the home video releases. He’s a businessman; he knows how to reel in your cash.

Sucks to be him, because we at Holy Taco have obtained a list of every remaining deleted scene that Lucas is withholding, and we’re going to spill the beans right now. (Just play along with the premise).

1)      Chewbacca shaving

2)      Luke pleasuring himself soon after Leia kisses him at the beginning of Empire.

3)      Luke taking a shower to “cleanse himself of the dirty” after he finds out Leia’s his sister.

4)      Lando Calrissian breaking the fourth-wall and declaring that Colt .45 is the beverage of choice for all citizens of Cloud City.

5)      Darth Vader trying to find a set of drapes that matches his new couch.

6)      Jabba The Hut’s house band playing “Mama Told Me Not To Come” by Three Dog Night.

7)      Sex scene between C-3PO and a four-slotted toaster.

8)      Emperor Palpatine sneezing and accidentally Force-choking a battalion of Storm Troopers to death.

9)      A series of moments throughout the original trilogy featuring Han Solo purposefully spilling various liquids on the floor of the Millennium Falcon and looking deep in to Chewbacca’s eyes while demanding him to “Lap it up, Fuzzball!”

10)   A scene when this guy…

…finds out those are actually very malignant tumors.

11)   An entire 7^th film in the franchise detailing the tragic, but ultimately triumphant, story of how the Millennium Falcon was manufactured – from the gathering of its various metals to the molding of those metals to its construction and, finally, when Han won it from Lando in a card game. In this it is subtly revealed that the Falcon is Anakin Skywalker’s half-brother.

12)   A scene in which a robot doctor informs Luke that the presence of Midi-chlorians in his blood means he’s in stage 1 of terminal space tuberculosis.

13)   Yoda telling a guy that sells cemetery plots door-to-door to “f*ck yourself, you should.”

14)   A single 7 second scene in which Anakin sucks it up and acts less like a bitch.