Glenn Beck has been known to say a crazy thing or two every now and then. It’s kind of become his M.O. at this point. We’re willing to bet that by this point even his most devoted fans are only watching his show to places bets on how some random event can be blamed on anyone whose politics are slightly left of Joseph McCarthy’s.
Recently, Glenn has gone on a whole new tangent, claiming that he does not trust Google, and nor should you, due to the small part they played in the recent Egyptian revolution. He gives his reasons for this claim, but in typical Glenn Beck fashion the reasons are vague and tinged with the kind of paranoia we used to ignore only 10 years ago when it came from the mouths of people that smear their feces on their faces to keep the face goblins at bay.
Seeing as Glenn’s reasons make no sense, we’re took it upon ourselves to come up with some real reasons Glenn could hate and distrust Google.
One strange phenomenon we encountered was that no matter how ridiculous our alternative reasons were, they all seemed like things Glenn would actually think.
1) He believes it is run by a mystical shaman, which is why it can predict your search query as you type it.
2) He does not trust anything named after numbers that are unfathomably large
3) Whenever he searches his own name he just gets a bunch of pictures of penises wearing clown makeup. And one picture of him crying.
4) He prefers Lycos
5) He believes the multi-colored lettering in Google’s logo promotes mixed marriages.
6) He finds it difficult to read anything that isn’t written on a chalkboard.
7) He thinks the information he finds after a Google search has been tainted by Google’s Marxist/Fascist agenda. He prefers getting information from his research team, which is headed by this man:
8) Because he once sent an Email to a Russian friend using Google Translate and it made him sound like a moron.
9) If you create a Google Alert for the words “Sloppy Gunt” you get nothing but Glenn Beck photos Emailed to you multiple times a day.
10) He blames Google for getting him in to creating a personal blog at Blogger, and then not updating it for months after his initial post titled “How The Hell Do These Blogs Things Work?”
11) He thinks anything that’s been in the beta testing phase of the product development cycle for over a decade is just a cheap excuse to hide behind in case the product sucks.
12) It’s through a series of meticulous Google searches that he realized he’s the only person on earth with a fetish involving Robin Williams’ thatch of forearm hair.
13) Because it makes it too easy to disprove any of the insane things he says.
14) Because if you run anything he says through Google Translate, you’ll realize he is really Groznoth, the Emperor of the underworld and the future enslaver of humanity.
15) Whenever he Googles his own name the links that get returned act as a constant reminder of that girl he raped and murdered in 1992.
16) He’s pissed about the fact when you type in “Mormon, ” the second auto-fill option is “underwear.”
17) If you rearrange the letters in Google you can spell Go Log E, meaning they’re pushing drugs to lumberjacks. Also you can get Goo Gel, which is what happened in Something About Mary, which means Google is a sperm merchant.
18) He’s mad that Google Docs isn’t an application that can diagnose his impotence. Although, he is happy that Google Docs is a word processing application that allows him to keep a diary about his struggles with his impotence.