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15 Names That Only Work for Old Men

I met a dude named Mortimer recently and I have no idea what he does or what he said to me because I got lost in his name.  Mortimer.  Morty.  How is it someone who isn’t retired has that name in 2013?  His parents must have hated him the moment they met him.  Names fall in and out of fashion and there are some names that are definitely out of fashion these days, like this ridiculous heap of old timey name nostalgia.  Never name your kids these names.  Name you dog these names, because that’s funny.  But sad for a human.

Orville

The two most famous Orvilles you know were Oville Wright and Orville Redenbacher and both of those dudes are older than New Mexico.  This name signifies decalcified bones and an interest in stamp collecting.

Humphrey

Made famous by Humphey Bogart, this name is more suited to cartoon oafs today than leading men.  Because of its closeness to the word Hump it’s kind of its own joke.

Ebenezer

The first name of Scrooge and potentially no actual, real people ever, this name is so old sounding you shouldn’t legally be able to have it until you’re dead.

Cecil

Cecil Fielder and Cecil B DeMille are both people not worth naming anyone after, despite DeMille’s legendary status and the fact I think Fielder is still alive.  This name should be reserved for English fops and dandies.

Stanley

A fairly popular name, all things considered and most famous for the cup form hockey and Mr. Roper from Three’s Company.  This name is well suited for retied janitors.

Jasper

Famously the name of the long bearded old man on the Simpsons, a stone and a national park, Jasper works well for an undernourished and kind of confused grandfather who wants to take you on adventures but can’t because meds.

Oliver

Oliver Stone isn’t an old man but he is a weird man and it works with the name.  It’s the male version of Olive.  That’s uncool.

Merv

Mev Griffin was a TV icon before you were born.  Doesn’t matter who you are, he’s that old.  Nowadays Merv is the sort of name that best goes with a Hawaiian shirt wearing old man who drinks too much and maybe spent some time in lockup during his heyday.

Irwin

This name almost screams accountant at you, or at the very least a man who wears a tie every day of the week even though he’s retired, because it’s what he’s always done.

Erasmus

If you don’t have time to trim your beard or your toenails, you just might be an Erasmus.

Horace

Horace Greasley was an English badass at a time when being a badass named Horace was acceptable.  He escaped from a captivity as a POW more than 200 times.  You’ll never live up to that if you have the name Horace today.

Ambrose

Infamous writer Ambrose Bierce gave us The Devil’s Dictionary.  An Ambrose in 2013 probably wears eye makeup.

Herbert

Famous Herberts include Hoover and Spencer, the latter being a philosopher with excellent sideburns.  This name now works best with a pervert because everyone will call you Herbert the Pervert.

Otis

Otis Redding was pretty awesome.  So was Milo and Otis.  You should probably not have teeth or weigh over 100lbs if you want to be an Otis today.

Maynard

Lead singer of Tool notwithstanding, Maynard is a really awkward name to try to manage.  It sounds like your parents lived in a shack they built themselves and didn’t much care for society.

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