(Two words: Garage sale.)
By Morgan Barclay
Last night’s season finale of True Detective was so gut wrenching I actually had to watch an episode of Girls to relax. (Not a bad show, btw.) So now that TD is over, we’ve got a little advice for you to alleviate the separation anxiety from Rust and Martin…
1. Stare at this GIF for ten minutes, while pondering the mysteries of the universe.
2. To keep Rust’s delightful pessimism alive, read Galveston, the debut novel from True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto. It’s about a debt-collector who goes on the run with a young prostitute after his boss tries to have him killed, and [SPOILER ALERT] the main character also makes little men out of beer cans.
3. Speaking of which, you should find the nearest store that sells Lone Star beer. I’ve already started my own quest to find Lone Star in California, and I suggest you do the same. In the meantime, you can follow them on Twitter via @LoneStarBeer.
4. Catch up on TNT’s mega-hit crime drama Franklin and Bash, because apparently they’re back even though I’m not sure they were ever here.
(Which one’s your favorite? Franklin? Because I’m a total Bash-man.)
5. Learn how to make those scary twig things out of Wetzel’s Pretzels then plant them around the office in obscure places to freak out your co-workers or ruin their New Year’s resolutions.
6. Tell True Detective fans there’s a dark animated version of the series coming out this fall exclusively on Hulu Plus. If they ask you more about it tell them to “Bing it” like you’re the one person actually using Bing.com.
7. Look at this. Laugh.
8. Do your taxes. Seriously, just get it over with, it’s really not that bad. That old lady’s husband in True Detective did his taxes, thank God!
9. Tell people you really want to see Dallas Buyers Club because Matthew McConaughey was so good in True Detective, but never actually do it and watch re-runs of TD instead.
10. Download “Far From Any Road” by The Handsome Family. Play it in your car. Drive around wearing sunglasses. Quit your job. Go off the grid for a while. Solve a mystery.
11. Study constellations, because Rust liked stars. Mentioning Cassiopeia in or out of context is a good way to make you sound smart, by the way.
12. Go ‘Like’ a few of your Mom’s Facebook posts this week. I know, the hummingbirds aren’t that exciting, but she loves them, and it wouldn’t kill you to acknowledge her once in a while.
13. Watch this video. Laugh.
14. So was Errol Childress the Yellow King? And if so, why was he identified by the green paint on his ears? Yellow and Blue do make green, but where does Blue fit in? Anyway, explain that to me.
15. Take another look at the sex-drawings that Marty’s daughter got in trouble for back in 1995. Freak the fuck out because you’re not sure if that’s supposed to be a guy wearing a mask or a guy with scars on his neck.
Freaky. So what will you be doing now that True Detective is over? Let us know on twitter @HolyTaco.
Previously: 23 Photos/GIFs of Lili Simmons, True Detective‘s Super-Hot Home-Wrecker