Our Halloween guest article is by C. Coville, Betty Cameron and Andrew Bailey. They are funny peoples and will not shave your back.
So you’re looking for a costume to wear this Halloween, but you’re too cheap and/or indolent to make one that doesn’t suck. Well, don’t worry, because all of your troubles are over. Here we present the cheap-ass, lazy versions of eighteen Halloween costumes that are sure to be popular this year.
1. Original Costume: Human Centipede
Cheap Version: First third of human centipede
What you’ll need: Bandages, lack of dignity
Simply wrap up the appropriate body parts in bandages (or, if really poverty-stricken, use toilet paper) and crawl around on the floor on your hands and knees all Halloween. For added authenticity, try some anus-scented lip gloss. It’s highly unlikely that anyone you’ll meet will have actually managed to sit through the movie, so no further acting is required
2. Original Costume: Lady Gaga
Cheap Version: Lady Gaga’s Meat Dress
What You’ll Need: Meat, nudity
Go to your local butcher and ask him for his unsellable meat scraps. If you need a cover story, tell him it’s for your sick dog. Drape the assorted meat products over your body, being sure to cover all nudity to avoid arrest, and stick down with tape, gum or whatever tacky excretions you have on hand.
Alternatively, you can pick up some marked-down supermarket hot dogs past their expiration dates, cut them open, and tape down the squashed wieners in something resembling a dress shape. It’ll work.
3. Original Costume: Cupcake
Cheap Version: Lump of dough
What You’ll Need: Beige-colored blanket and some saran wrap
A trip to any large thrift story can get you some relatively unsoiled dough-colored blankets, which you can then attach to your body using the plastic wrap (Hint: this might require the help of a good friend.) Try to ignore the smell. If this is not possible, simply tell people you’re a deuce.
4. Original Costume: Captain Jack Sparrow
Cheap Version: Actual Pirate
What You’ll Need: Large toy machine gun, cheap clothes, working knowledge of Somali
Alternatively, fashion a cheap hook out of molded tin foil, and make a shoulder pet out of the dead pigeon you found in the park near your house.
5. Original Costume: Zaphod Beeblebrox of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Cheap Version: Arthur Dent
What You’ll Need: Pajamas, Bathrobe, towel
This is probably one of your best options, since it means that not only do you not have to put much effort into your costume, but that you don’t actually have to get dressed at all. For extra effect, don’t wash, shave or comb your hair all day, either. Hey, Halloween’s on a Sunday this year; seize the moment.
6. Original Costume: Giant Piece of Candy
Cheap Version: Diabetic Child
What You’ll Need: Empty Halloween basket, tears
Alternatively, cover yourself in discarded candy wrappers to become the ultimate Halloween candy. One downside of this is that your costume probably won’t be ready until quite late on Halloween evening.
7. Original Costume: Sarah Palin
Cheap Version: Levi Johnson
What You’ll Need: Towel around waist, conspicuous lack of condoms
To spruce up this costume, draw on ‘Bristol’ tattoo with blue pen, and attempt to hump any adult females in the vicinity. When this fails, ask passersby if they’re aware of any auditioning reality shows nearby, or failing that, whether they have any spare change.
8. Original Costume: Sheet-ghost
Cheap Version: Same thing sans eyeholes, so that you can reuse the sheets
What You’ll Need: Sheet
You will be essentially blind while wearing this costume, so try to enlist the help of friends or neighborhood kids who can lead you around out of pity. Another good plan is to try to use sheets that are so old and worn through that you can at least distinguish faint shapes.
9. Original Costume: Darth Vader
Cheap Version: Unlicensed "Star Battles Lead Villain" What You’ll Need: Garbage bag draped over body, black bike helmet
Top this one off by reciting non-copyrighted lines such as “The vaguely-defined universe power is strong with this one” and “I find your lack of belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny disturbing.”
10. Original Costume: Mad Men Character
Cheap Version: Mad Men Character in the present day
What You’ll Need: $2 thrift store granny dress, bad posture
For full effect, scream “WHAT?” in response to anything anyone says, while leaning in and cupping your ear. Also good: making racist comments at the dinner table, coughing up your teeth.
11. Original Costume: Jake Sully’s Avatar from Avatar
Cheap Version: Jake Sully
What You’ll Need: Awkward, half-Australian accent
Since you probably can’t afford a wheelchair, the best option is to just sit in an armchair and simply claim paralysis verbally. This has the added advantage of persuading people to bring you drinks and candy all night. If that doesn’t work, just pretend to be Jake Sully before he broke his spine. Or, you know, pick a character from a movie that didn’t suck.
12. Original Costume: Iron Man
Cheap Version: Aluminum Foil Man
What You’ll Need: Aluminum foil
Be sure to leave holes when you wrap the foil over your face to avoid death. Try to make up for the costume’s obvious deficiencies by attempting to hit on attractive women, and occasionally thumbing through a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
13. Original Costume: Batman
Cheap Version: Young Bruce Wayne
Need: Broken pearl necklace, water splashed on face
The pearl necklace of sadness can be obtained cheaply by picking up a fake one from the thrift store. Another possible variation on this costume is Bruce Wayne after he has lost all of his money on the stock market and gained 25 pounds. You probably won’t need anything for that one.
14. Original Costume: Vampire
Cheap Version: Vampire from True Blood
What You’ll Need: Annoying accent, willingness to engage in public orgies
If you get too far into character, you might find yourself in the middle of rather nonsensical chains of events where nobody’s motivation makes any sense, interspersed by weird, graphic sex acts between characters who straddle the line between attractive and offputting. Don’t worry, that means you’re doing it right.
15. Original Costume: Zombie
Cheap Version: Guy who is hiding his fresh zombie bite
What You’ll Need: Pallor, shifty eyes
For extra effect, hold on to a couple of ketchup packets which you can press against your arm or neck, occasionally squeezing your hand so that ketchup oozes between your fingers. Try to look more and more sick and shaky as the night goes on (this can be achieved with the use of alcohol).
16. Original Costume: Fireman
Cheap Version: Fireman from Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451
What You’ll Need: Matches, paperback book you got at thrift store
As part of this costume, you should occasionally grab books that you don’t like and attempt to set fire to them with the matches. Be sure to tell everyone what your costume is first, or things could get awkward. Once that’s out of the way, it’s time to send Harry Potter’s deviltry back to the hell from whence it came.
17. Original Costume: Michael Jackson
Cheap Version: Justin Bieber
What You’ll Need: Bangs, inexplicable appeal to 14-year-old girls, very closely-shaven face
If you are a grown man, try not to pull off this costume too well, or you might find yourself unable to go within 100 yards of an elementary school ever again.
18. Original Costume: Robot
Cheap Version: Fully integrated human-robot cyborg
What You’ll Need: Nothing.
To complete the effect, simply talk in a stilted voice and shake people’s hands too hard. Act slightly inappropriately, and occasionally put on a bemused expression as you try to comprehend the confusing subject of human emotion. If you do all these things successfully and nobody notices, go home afterwards and rethink your life.