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18 Halloween Costume Alternatives For The Poor And Lazy

Our Halloween guest article is by C. Coville, Betty Cameron and Andrew Bailey.  They are funny peoples and will not shave your back.

So you’re looking for a costume to wear this Halloween, but you’re too cheap and/or indolent to make one that doesn’t suck. Well, don’t worry, because all of your troubles are over. Here we present the cheap-ass, lazy versions of eighteen Halloween costumes that are sure to be popular this year.

1. Original Costume: Human Centipede

human centipede

 

Cheap Version: First third of human centipede

What you’ll need: Bandages, lack of dignity

Simply wrap up the appropriate body parts in bandages (or, if really poverty-stricken, use toilet paper) and crawl around on the floor on your hands and knees all Halloween.  For added authenticity, try some anus-scented lip gloss.  It’s highly unlikely that anyone you’ll meet will have actually managed to sit through the movie, so no further acting is required

2. Original Costume: Lady Gaga

lady gaga

Cheap Version: Lady Gaga’s Meat Dress

What You’ll Need: Meat, nudity

Go to your local butcher and ask him for his unsellable meat scraps. If you need a cover story, tell him it’s for your sick dog. Drape the assorted meat products over your body, being sure to cover all nudity to avoid arrest, and stick down with tape, gum or whatever tacky excretions you have on hand.

Alternatively, you can pick up some marked-down supermarket hot dogs past their expiration dates, cut them open, and tape down the squashed wieners in something resembling a dress shape. It’ll work.

3. Original Costume: Cupcake

cupcake

Cheap Version: Lump of dough

What You’ll Need: Beige-colored blanket and some saran wrap

A trip to any large thrift story can get you some relatively unsoiled dough-colored blankets, which you can then attach to your body using the plastic wrap (Hint: this might require the help of a good friend.) Try to ignore the smell.  If this is not possible, simply tell people you’re a deuce.

4. Original Costume: Captain Jack Sparrow

jack sparrow

Cheap Version: Actual Pirate

What You’ll Need: Large toy machine gun, cheap clothes, working knowledge of Somali

Alternatively, fashion a cheap hook out of molded tin foil, and make a shoulder pet out of the dead pigeon you found in the park near your house.

5. Original Costume: Zaphod Beeblebrox of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

zaphod

Cheap Version: Arthur Dent

What You’ll Need: Pajamas, Bathrobe, towel

This is probably one of your best options, since it means that not only do you not have to put much effort into your costume, but that you don’t actually have to get dressed at all. For extra effect, don’t wash, shave or comb your hair all day, either. Hey, Halloween’s on a Sunday this year; seize the moment.

6. Original Costume: Giant Piece of Candy

tootsie roll

Cheap Version: Diabetic Child

What You’ll Need: Empty Halloween basket, tears

Alternatively, cover yourself in discarded candy wrappers to become the ultimate Halloween candy. One downside of this is that your costume probably won’t be ready until quite late on Halloween evening.

7. Original Costume: Sarah Palin

sarah palin

Cheap Version: Levi Johnson

What You’ll Need: Towel around waist, conspicuous lack of condoms

To spruce up this costume, draw on ‘Bristol’ tattoo with blue pen, and attempt to hump any adult females in the vicinity. When this fails, ask passersby if they’re aware of any auditioning reality shows nearby, or failing that, whether they have any spare change.

8. Original Costume: Sheet-ghost

ghost

Cheap Version: Same thing sans eyeholes, so that you can reuse the sheets

What You’ll Need: Sheet

You will be essentially blind while wearing this costume, so try to enlist the help of friends or neighborhood kids who can lead you around out of pity. Another good plan is to try to use sheets that are so old and worn through that you can at least distinguish faint shapes.

9. Original Costume: Darth Vader

darth vader

Cheap Version: Unlicensed "Star Battles Lead Villain" What You’ll Need: Garbage bag draped over body, black bike helmet

Top this one off by reciting non-copyrighted lines such as “The vaguely-defined universe power is strong with this one” and “I find your lack of belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny disturbing.”

10. Original Costume: Mad Men Character

mad men

Cheap Version: Mad Men Character in the present day

What You’ll Need: $2 thrift store granny dress, bad posture

For full effect, scream “WHAT?” in response to anything anyone says, while leaning in and cupping your ear. Also good: making racist comments at the dinner table, coughing up your teeth.

11. Original Costume: Jake Sully’s Avatar from Avatar

jake sully

Cheap Version: Jake Sully

What You’ll Need: Awkward, half-Australian accent

Since you probably can’t afford a wheelchair, the best option is to just sit in an armchair and simply claim paralysis verbally. This has the added advantage of persuading people to bring you drinks and candy all night. If that doesn’t work, just pretend to be Jake Sully before he broke his spine.  Or, you know, pick a character from a movie that didn’t suck.

12. Original Costume: Iron Man

iron man

Cheap Version: Aluminum Foil Man

What You’ll Need: Aluminum foil

Be sure to leave holes when you wrap the foil over your face to avoid death. Try to make up for the costume’s obvious deficiencies by attempting to hit on attractive women, and occasionally thumbing through a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

13. Original Costume: Batman

batman

Cheap Version: Young Bruce Wayne

Need: Broken pearl necklace, water splashed on face

The pearl necklace of sadness can be obtained cheaply by picking up a fake one from the thrift store. Another possible variation on this costume is Bruce Wayne after he has lost all of his money on the stock market and gained 25 pounds. You probably won’t need anything for that one.

14. Original Costume: Vampire

vampire

Cheap Version: Vampire from True Blood

What You’ll Need: Annoying accent, willingness to engage in public orgies

If you get too far into character, you might find yourself in the middle of rather nonsensical chains of events where nobody’s motivation makes any sense, interspersed by weird, graphic sex acts between characters who straddle the line between attractive and offputting. Don’t worry, that means you’re doing it right.

15. Original Costume: Zombie

zombie

Cheap Version: Guy who is hiding his fresh zombie bite

What You’ll Need: Pallor, shifty eyes

For extra effect, hold on to a couple of ketchup packets which you can press against your arm or neck, occasionally squeezing your hand so that ketchup oozes between your fingers. Try to look more and more sick and shaky as the night goes on (this can be achieved with the use of alcohol).

16. Original Costume: Fireman

fireman

Cheap Version: Fireman from Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451

What You’ll Need: Matches, paperback book you got at thrift store

As part of this costume, you should occasionally grab books that you don’t like and attempt to set fire to them with the matches. Be sure to tell everyone what your costume is first, or things could get awkward.  Once that’s out of the way, it’s time to send Harry Potter’s deviltry back to the hell from whence it came.

17. Original Costume: Michael Jackson

michael jackson

Cheap Version: Justin Bieber

What You’ll Need: Bangs, inexplicable appeal to 14-year-old girls, very closely-shaven face

If you are a grown man, try not to pull off this costume too well, or you might find yourself unable to go within 100 yards of an elementary school ever again.

18. Original Costume: Robot

robot

Cheap Version: Fully integrated human-robot cyborg

What You’ll Need: Nothing.

To complete the effect, simply talk in a stilted voice and shake people’s hands too hard. Act slightly inappropriately, and occasionally put on a bemused expression as you try to comprehend the confusing subject of human emotion. If you do all these things successfully and nobody notices, go home afterwards and rethink your life.

4 Responses to "18 Halloween Costume Alternatives For The Poor And Lazy"

  1. Lance Bass says:

    I’m going as Justin Timberlake this year!

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  3. wanker says:

    please jump off the nearest cliff, you shameless whore :)

  4. I would be a part of the centipede as long as the person in front of me was a hot chick.