HEY HULKAMANIACS, it’s me, Hulk Hogan from 1989. Been a while. Listen, you’re all adults now, so I’m gonna be up front with you. You’re probably on the internet, hearing tweets and reading blogs about something that myself, and another lady were doing behind closed doors. Well I’m here to tell ya’: it’s all true Hulkamaniacs! But that doesn’t mean you should think any less of the Hulkster, no matter what anyone says.
There’s gonna be a lot of people trying to take me down brothers and sisters. A lot of people who want to see the Hulkster fail. Every time they see my face, they want it to be the last time — well that’s just not gonna happen. You know hulkamaniacs, I guess we can all speak as grownups now, since most of you are in your thirties. You prayed, you ate your vitamins and you played it straight just like I told ya’, so I’m givin’ it to you straight.
I made a sex tape. You weren’t supposed to see it, but it’s out there, and no, it wasn’t with Miss Elizabeth. The truth is, brothers and sisters, I don’t know who it was with. Some of you Hulkamaniacs know I been through hell and back. My divorce from Linda was devastating. I took a lot of vitamins and said a lot of prayers, but not even God or all the Centrum Silver in the world can help you when your wife catches you sleeping with your daughter’s best friend.
I’m giving you truth, Hulkamaniacs. I’M SPEAKING MY TRUTH! Truth is, having sex makes the Hulkster feel alive. I went on a bit of a rampage after my divorce. A lot of you may have been through the same by now, so YOU KNOW WHERE I’M COMING FROM BROTHER!
I’ve torn through my share of tank tops in the last few years. Thanks to my brothers at Pfizer, I have the juice to get through three Royal Rumbles! These twenty-four inch pythons can still work their magic boys and girls. The whole world might hate me, but they don’t know what they’re up against. They’re up against the army of Hulkamaniacs, my brothers and sisters, who will have my back.
I need your support right now more than ever. The Hulkster needs you right now, because that video is floating around somewhere and I want it in my hands, so I can watch it one more time, and then crush it. If you know someone who might have a lead on where that single copy is, contact my lawyer. The woman out there who filmed me against my will is out there, and the Hulkster can’t remember her name or where she lives, but she’s out there.
YOU’RE OUT THERE, and I got one question for you: Whatcha gonna do when I send my lawyers after you?!