20 Reasons I Will Be Calling In Sick On Tuesday (None Of Which Are Mass Effect 3)

I’m going to be calling in sick on Tuesday. The reason for this will be specific and believable, but I can assure you, the reader, and everyone at Break Media, that my reason is legitimate and will have absolutely nothing to do with the release of Mass Effect 3, the third game in what might be my current favorite video game franchise.

Yep. Mass Effect 3 will have no bearing on my decision to not come in to work on Tuesday.

At all.

Like, 0%.

Maybe even less than 0%.

Mass Effect 3? Ew. Gross. Why would I want to play a game in which the character I named after myself and whose face I modeled off my own must prevent a galactic genocide, and the outcome is entirely dependent upon the choices I’ve made throughout the previous games in the series?  Yawn.

1)      Totally not Mass Effect 3, which is released Tuesday, at the stroke of midnight.

2)      My grandmother died

3)      My dog ate my article

4)      Dentist appointment

5)      I’m feeling particularly “postal” today

6)      Again, I can’t say this enough, it will certainly not be because of Mass Effect 3

7)      My car blew out a tire as I didn’t drive to work because I don’t have a work to drive to

8)      My other grandmother died

9)      I’m on my period

10)   I’m having my tonsils removed, forcibly, and mailed to my parents to show them that my kidnappers are not messing around.

11)   I’m too high

12)   I’ve lost all will and desire to live

13)   My other other grandmother died. All of my grandmothers are lesbians, so expect at least one more tragically dead grandmother.

14)   Not because I will be playing Mass Effect 3 all day, dreaming of a day when I can be the savior of the galaxy for real.

15)   Seriously, though. It will not be because of Mass Effect 3.

16)   I don’t know you took me seriously last time I said it, probably due to the clown nose I was wearing as I typed #15. So, with the clown nose removed, allow me to say it again: I will not be calling in sick this coming Tuesday because of Mass Effect 3. Although, I will be calling in sick because…

17)   My 4^th lesbian grandmother murdered my three other lesbian grandmothers before turning the shotgun on herself in a crime of grandmotherly passion.

18)   The transmission on Microsoft Word blew out

19)   I thought Tuesday was a national holiday – a national holiday in which we celebrate the release of Mass Effect 3.

20)   It’ll be because of Mass Effect 3.