Today is Hobbit Day, which if course you didn’t know because it makes no sense. But since it’s the basis for this whole article we’ll play along. Officially (unofficially) today is the birthday of both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins. “Holy Taco,” you may be inclined to say “those are both fictional characters. What is this malarkey?” and right you are to identify this as malarkish. Nonetheless, Tolkien points out the 22nd of September as the birth date of his Hobbits in the books. He also makes it pretty clear the book takes place somewhere just south of reality, but no worries, it’s fun, stop your belly aching.
Since it is the birthday of our Hobbit heroes from Lord of the Rings and since most of you probably won’t get close enough to Elijah Wood to hug him today, we have some other ideas for celebrating this most important (unimportant) of days.
- Invite a giant, bearded octogenarian to set off fireworks. Maybe he can have a long beard. Maybe he wears a skuzzy dress. The sky’s the limit
- Spend 63 hours watching the extended cuts of the films. What else do you have going on?
- Give Sean Astin a sandwich (he needs it). If you can find the guy who played Pippin, toss him a cookie while you’re at it.
- Dwarf tossing. It’s the only day of the year (besides Christmas, President’s Day, Arbor Day and Sunday) when this is kosher.
- Polish Gandalf’s staff and other euphemism for what you’ll likely be doing in the shower and during your lunch break.
- Ride the Nazgul. See? Lots of euphemisms.
- Simply walk into Mordor. One does do this, from time to time. If it’s special.
- Pork an Orc. They tend to hang out at the darker bars in town and a glass or two of pink champagne will get you where you need to be.
- Stick your wizard staff into a hobbit hole. So many euphemisms!
- Cave troll lap dance. Hobbit Day comes but once a year, there’s no reason for you to not treat yourself. Your lap can take it.
- Bake a delicious cake inside a balrog. Ha ha, it’s in his tummy!
- Homoerotic Elvish cruise.
- Exchange styling tips for foot hair.
- Smoke the finest weed and blow some boats. (and here’s what that’s in reference to)
- Play a game of “Which one of you f*ckers is wearing The One Ring and keeps invisibly groping my ass?”
- Tom Bombadil’s Def Comedy Jam.
- Get a tree shitfaced and make it dance. Those dancing plants are hilarious.
- Moon the eye of Sauron (full spread for extra fun)
- The Hobbit Centipede
- Little Person Twister. Tiny limbs, cramped spaces. Yeah. Do it. Like a boss.
Under no circumstances are you to throw an actual Hobbit Party. The reason for this is, of course, as James Lawrence White discovered in 1975, the ratio of Hobbit parties to forced and involuntary abstinence is so startling it may actually cause the additional malady of panic shits. Which is to say, if you willingly throw a Hobby Party, be prepared for many weeks of sexlessness and dysentery. You’ve been warned, act accordingly.