Because three pounds of processed meat won’t tide you over until dinner.
10. Cheesy Tots – Burger King
If there’s one thing cheese and potatoes need, it’s a thick coating of deep-fried batter. The starving African girl I sponsor for a cup of coffee a day isn’t capable of comprehending these.
Calories/12pc: 430
Total Fat (grams): 24
9. Chicken Rings – White Castle
A little known fact: The ring is the most succulent part of the chicken. White Castle knows this. White Castle knows all. (It should be noted that the Castle also offers you the option of a Chicken Ring Sandwich. With or without cheese. God bless you White Castle.)
Calories: 320
Total Fat (grams): 23
8. Poutine – Harvey’s (Canada Only)
For those of you who haven’t ventured north of the border, Poutine is the reason we have not invaded Canada. Consisting of French fries, cheese curds and gravy, this little heart attack in a bowl will leave you waving off the defibrillator. It’s an honorable way to meet your maker.
Calories: 630
Total Fat (grams): 37
7. Chicken and Sausage Jambalaya – Popeye’s
While this is found under the “Legends” section of the menu, eagle-eyed members of the Popeye’s Krewe will know that you can also order up a side dish of their “award winning” spicy Chicken and Sausage Jambalaya. I have no idea what award they won, but I’d like to work for the organization that gave it to them.
Calories: 220
Total Fat (grams): 11
6. Macaroni and Cheese – Boston Market
BM (which is what I have immediately after eating there) pours a three cheese sauce of American, cheddar and bleu over semolina rotini pasta. This is probably the classiest side on this list, so you might want to put on a monocle and top hat before sampling their delicacies.
Calories: 330
Total Fat (grams): 12
5. Cheesy Bread – Dominos
Sure, there are a few other pizza establishments that have their version of the cheesestick, but Dominos was the first to say, “Hey, you just ordered three greasewheels, but you’re going to need something to wash them down with. Why not try a little more breaded cheese?”
Calories/stick: 140
Total Fat/stick (grams): 7
4. Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges – Jack in the Box
Does it have bacon? Yes. Does it have cheese? Yes. Does it have potato? Yes. If you have anymore questions about the worthiness of this side, please email them to IAmADumbass@YesICalledYouADumbass.com.
Calories: 720
Total Fat (grams): 48
3. Crumblies – Long John Silvers
These crusty little deep fried bits will fit into any of the aortic crevices that weren’t clogged by your entrée. [Note: I could not find one photo of Crumblies anywhere. If you have one, please email it to HolyTaco.]
Calories: 170
Total Fat (grams): 12
2. Curly Fries – Arbys
Arby’s has a very respectable side menu. With such creative options as Onion Petals with Southwest Tangy Sauce and Jalapeno Bites with Bronco Berry Sauce you can really expand your fast food palate on the sides alone. But nothing beats the teeth-shattering crunch of Arby’s classic take on the potato. These are even good cold.
Calories: 397
Total Fat (grams): 24
1. Mashed Potatoes and Gravy – KFC
I have no idea if there are any real potatoes found in these mashed potatoes, but I don’t care. Salty, creamy and rich, they make a great dip for your home-style biscuits or a surprisingly sturdy spackle for your shower. If mom could make mashed potatoes like these, I wouldn’t have left the womb.
Calories: 140
Total Fat (grams): 5
number 4 is addictive like crack in fact thats what my best friend and i call thoes chunks of love. although we do get strange looks when we are in public and one of us says "do you wanna go get some crack?" and the other one says " yea crack sounds great right now."
You forgot potato oles at Taco John's. The one thing that really separates it from Taco Bell, and also makes it superior. They're light on the fattening gravy and cheese, but they're so ADDICTIVE!!!
I usually pile on the sides when i get food i can eat an incredible amount of food and not be full. I sometimes think i need some eating disorder treatment. Strangely im not fat i work out play sports run etc. I know it's not healthy but man is the food good.
Holy shit, I can't believe someone mentioned Taco John's!! I don't know why, but that place is awesome. Too bad they're not in more parts of the country.
(25 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
December 4th, 2007 at 09:50 pm
Holy Taco I'm hungry.
December 4th, 2007 at 09:55 pm
more cheese on this list than on the Carson Daly show
December 4th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
I love poutine!!! I love poutine!!! hugs and kisses - Britney!
December 4th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
I love poutine!!! I love poutine - hugs and kisses - Britney!
December 5th, 2007 at 02:09 am
the BEST thing about these foods: most of them are vegetarian!
December 5th, 2007 at 06:07 am
You had me at cardiac arrest by #4
December 5th, 2007 at 09:35 pm
It's not really the KFC mashed potatoes themselves that are so great, but rather the gravy, which they always try to skimp on.
That gravy is so great because they make it with an extra ingredient -- love. And by "love," I mean "chicken piss."
December 6th, 2007 at 12:30 am
What about the hush puppies? Long john silver's hush puppies friggin ROCK!
December 9th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
The poutine is nothing. This chain in Quebec City takes it one step further.
http://www.chez-ashton.com/prod.php?prod=1&subprod=6
January 8th, 2009 at 04:03 am
that is grim! but i would still EAT it if i was high
December 10th, 2007 at 01:10 am
Most of them are vegetarian???? I count 6 out of 10 that contain meat or meat product (gravy).
Well, now that I think about it, it's debatable as to whether fast food gravy is actually meat-based or not.
December 23rd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
List Of Calories In Food
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January 3rd, 2008 at 02:21 pm
The 'Crumblies' you have are available in here in England, but are called scraps! The name says it all...
December 19th, 2008 at 09:23 pm
Im Hungry!
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:43 am
number 4 is addictive like crack in fact thats what my best friend and i call thoes chunks of love. although we do get strange looks when we are in public and one of us says "do you wanna go get some crack?" and the other one says " yea crack sounds great right now."
January 7th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Ah, i just discovered fried cheese curds at A&W. They sound like they'd be right in your wheelhouse (you have to provide your own marinara, though).
January 16th, 2009 at 11:22 am
(#8)The best poutine out there has to be from Costo. Their poutine is better than poontang.
January 28th, 2009 at 03:40 pm
I can't believe you forgot about A&W chili cheese fries...
March 18th, 2009 at 05:04 pm
Fat people rule. Amen.
April 6th, 2009 at 04:32 am
You forgot potato oles at Taco John's. The one thing that really separates it from Taco Bell, and also makes it superior. They're light on the fattening gravy and cheese, but they're so ADDICTIVE!!!
April 30th, 2009 at 06:37 pm
All images broken =(
June 23rd, 2009 at 05:14 pm
I usually pile on the sides when i get food i can eat an incredible amount of food and not be full. I sometimes think i need some eating disorder treatment. Strangely im not fat i work out play sports run etc. I know it's not healthy but man is the food good.
June 27th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
lol great hosting you fuckin morons. do you guys not own a website?
how ironic, my captcha is 10 genius
July 12th, 2009 at 07:53 pm
Holy shit, I can't believe someone mentioned Taco John's!! I don't know why, but that place is awesome. Too bad they're not in more parts of the country.
July 24th, 2009 at 02:03 pm
in-n-out's animal style fries need a place on this list. those things are the best.
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