How To: Grow A Neck Beard, by Kyle Orton

The Chicago Bears new starter tells you how to put hair on your face.

We knew Kyle Orton was good at drinking. And we knew Kyle Orton was good at holding a clipboard. But Orton’s true calling in life will be on full display for the entire nation this week when he goes against the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. I’m talking, of course, about that dead raccoon-like tuft of hair on his face known in most circles as a "neck beard."

This fearless reporter caught up with Mr. Orton and got some insights into the glamorous world of beard growing. Here’s what the back-up to Rex Grossman’s back-up had to say.

Tip One: “Don’t shave.”
Those are Orton’s exact words. Maybe this isn’t going to be as hard as we thought.

Tip Two: Keep your (scraggly) chin up
“Don’t listen to the doubters,” Orton says. “And there will be many.” During his early stages of scruff, his nappy neck hair drew numerous insults from teammates in the locker room. Our tip: every time a friend uses the word “pubes” to describe your facial hair, replace it with “awesome” and convince yourself everybody thinks you look great.

Tip Three: “Stay patient.”
More detailed analysis from the Bears’ first-string wordsmith. There will be times where some areas of your face look like ZZ Top, while other patches more closely resemble Dakota Fanning’s bikini zone. But if you stay true, it will all come together like one of Orton’s three yard screen passes on third-and-seven.

Tip Four: Let yourself go
Once you’ve achieved maximum growth, ride it out. “I’m a lazy guy, I don’t want to waste ten minutes every day shaving,” says the quarterback. “So why maintain?” Statements like that make me wonder how he hasn’t moved further up the depth chart during his two-and-a-half seasons in the league.
 
Bonus info: The above pic is exactly what Orton did when asked to pose while “stroking his beard.” It’s clear the camera loves Orton like Orton loves Jack Daniels.