How To: Score at Your Christmas Party

1. Be Patient: Give them space. Nobody's going to do you in the first hour of the party, and if they do, burn your respective penis or vagina after because who the hell knows where that person has been. It's not how you start the game, it's how you finish. Let others tire themselves out early, then be the Jonathan Papelbon of your Christmas Party.

2. Follow the Booze: "Alcohol is your best friend," says veteran Christmas Party bartender Craig Wilkening. "Wait for the signs. They'll drink, then they'll start dancing, then right after they've started singing along loudly but before they're slumped in their chair passed out, that's your opportunity to strike," adds Wilkening.

3. Lower Your Standards: You're not looking for somebody to bring home to mom or dad, you're just looking for somebody who doesn't look like mom or dad. "The biggest mistake I see is guys wasting their time on the hottest chick there. She knows she can bang anybody she wants, and has usually made up her mind before the party," says Wilkening.

4. Respect the Awkward Factor: If you have to sit next to this person every day at work, that's not shitting where you eat, that's shitting on the food you eat. Make sure they're someone you don't have to face every day before you gently graze their boob in an attempt to gauge their reaction. If you end up sleeping with a close-by co-worker, attempt to get that person fired through chicanery.