If You Love Me, Buy Me This

This my friends, is the 2008 Polaris Ranger RZR. It starts at $10,300, has 800 cc's of power, and a top speed of 55 mph. If my parents had offered to buy me one of these when I was twelve if I promised to stop masturbating so frequently, I would have declined—but I would have thought seriously about it before I did.

It comes with a roll cage, so you can basically try to do any retarded stunt you can think of, and feel safe knowing you'll at worst get a few broken limbs. It also has an independent rear suspension and what the website calls "total side by side domination." I don't even know what that means, but it pumps me up so much I want to take off my shirt and punch somebody in the face who's way bigger than me.