Tom Cruise is to Scientology what cocaine is to a stripper’s ass:  If you hear about one, you’ll probably hear about the other shortly.

According to usmagazine.com

Cruise recently accepted the Freedom Medal of Valor award at an International Association of Scientologists Event.

The Freedom Medal of Valor award?  What the hell kind of name is that?  It’s like they filled out a fucking mad libs.  In fact, here, you can make your own award using this:

The (Noun) (Type of Award) of (Adjective) Award

I came up with “The Butthole Trophy of Magnificent Award.”  I’m not sure why, but I’m going to give it to Rebbeca Romijn-Stamos.

When Cruise accepts the award, he goes on to say:

“Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident…you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.”

Really?  What the fuck am I doing calling triple AAA then when I get a flat tire?  Do Scientologists give me the first seven miles of towing free also?

“Look, I wish the world was a different place.  I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean.”

Romp and play?  Apparently Tom Cruise thinks he’s a nymph in a Greek Myth.  I’d say he’s now officially, “don’t turn your back to him or he might hump/bite you” crazy.  Still though, love that Jerry Maguire movie.

Tags: Crazy, Scientology, Tom Cruise

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