Because sometimes you just have to call shenanigans.
8. AINTITCOOLNEWS.COM
It started out as a cool website where you could find unbiased reviews and information on upcoming movies and television. Now it's owner and operator, Harry Knowles, (who looks like what would happen if an Orange Julius and a pile of tires had a baby) is so bought and sold by the studios that when he reviewed the movie Daredevil, he said this:
"Not since Christopher Reeve nailed SUPERMAN has an actor so beautifully capture the image, soul and charisma of a character drawn from the pages of comic books."
Really? I've taken shits that have more charisma than Ben Affleck in that movie. Every other critic HATED it, yet Harry gushed on for 3000 words. If you don't believe he's sold out, check out this screen shot from his review section of the site we took yesterday. Every review is positive. Don't be fooled by "The Mist" headline--it's actually Harry verbally fellating it.
7. PEREZHILTON.COM
I know, I know, how does a site that scribbles little droplets of semen coming from Britney Spears' mouth, jump the shark? By doing stuff other than that--that's how. Suddenly, Perez Hilton thinks people give a flying fuck about things he has to say other than celeb gossip, and he's started commenting on politics and music. Right. The only thing we want him to comment on is why he won't shut the hell up. Here's a rule: If your site shows a close up picture of Lindsay Lohan's vagina, you're not allowed to comment on Hillary Clinton's stance on health care reform.
6. JUMPTHESHARK.COM
JTS used to be a nice, straightforward website. Users would vote on when a classic TV show turned the corner and started to suck. It was a harsh, brutal, and clear-cut commentary on the TV world. Then it got bought by some big corporation and became my 12 year old sister's diary.
Dear TV shows,
I like you. I wish everything in the world was TV shows. I like TV shows more than I like sunsets and pretty ponies. Do you like me? I hope you do. Please don't ever die. You are my favoritest!
Love,
JumpTheShark.com.
And that's why the site sucks now. If you don't think they're biased, then why is half of their homepage taken up by some guy talking about "exciting show spoilers!." Take a look on the right of this screen shot.
5. ALL PAY PORN SITES
Can you remember the last time you paid money on the internet to masturbate? I can't, and let me tell you--I masturbate a lot. With youporn, porntube, redtube.com, and the like, there's enough free porn out there to satisfy all of China, if it was only inhabited by thirteen-year-old boys with portable lotion dispensers. Why should I pay $9.99 to get on a pay site when I can find a free site, with a search engine, that allows me to type in "boobs, huge, two girls, volleyball, Jeopardy," and get 48 videos? Don't try to answer that because you can't.
Nothing kills a boner like trying to type the three digit privacy protection code on the back of your credit card.
4. CNN.COM
Remember when cnn.com used to be about news? Now half the headlines are either about some dude who found out he was banging his long lost sister, or a story about a cat in Des Moines, Iowa that made a 911 call that saved Christmas. Again, below is a screen shot of their top headlines on the homepage from yesterday.
3. EBAUMSWORLD.COM
This used to be THE site for funny videos and pictures. In fact, there was a rumor that Eric Bauman was offered 100 million dollars for it and said no. That prompts me to start a new rumor: Eric Bauman is mentally retarded. If you've made your entire fortune from stealing other people's videos, how do you not forsee that maybe other companies might take your business model and kick the absolute crap out of it? Answer: See rumor I started above. Too slow to realize they should update every day and change their interface, eBaum's finally got the hint last year, but it was too late and no one cared.
2. MYSPACE.COM
Yes, Holy Taco has a myspace page, and every day I get the following friend request from some chick in a bikini named something like "Nadia". "Hey, I noticed you were on the site, just wanted to say hi! Myspace won't let me show my naked pics here, so come to my website!" If If I wanted porn, I'd go to a website or look in between my dad's mattress. And who could forget how awesome it is to go to someone's site, wait 15 minutes for it load the customized background picture of a unicorn flying, only to find when it does load, John Mayer's "Waiting on the World" immediately begins blasting out of my lap top. Somehow Myspace has tricked people in to thinking that everyone GIVES A SHIT about what their page looks like. This picture below makes my head want to explode.
1. AOL.COM
AOL used to own the internet. They were like the smoking hot chick in high school that everyone wanted to bang. Now you go back to your ten-year reunion and they're the overweight hag, who's carrying a child and asking you if she can "bum a smoke" as she attempts to lick some dried mayonnaise off her face. AOL's been so bought out by large corporations and networks that their news coverage and search engines are total shit. Look at this screen shot from today of their "hot searches." Really? Comanche Moon, a TV movie on CBS is your top hot search and you call yourself a reliable search engine?
dang, that's harsh Holy Torpedo. Personally I think they speak a lot of truths; where else can you find out about crazy religious songs and strippers and potato chips?!! Didn't think so...
ok this is one of the funniest and honest articles I have ever read. This jumping the shark should be a continues series and it should bleed over to studios, reality shows, authors, athletes, etc.....
yeah , definetly Perez Hilton. its not that well know, but growing very fast. actors hate it. but i would have also mentioned, http://www.opentopix.com , and www.plaxo.com , both growing sites
Btw, you forgot to mention the fact that AOL totally and shamelessly copied Yahoo!'s template as if it would help them! Oh and its poor molested child, Netscape was a Digg clone.
stickdeath.com should also make the next list. What ever happened to the high quality violence and racism that made it so great? Now it looks a whole lot like yahoo.com. Which is another site you might want to think about. Yahoo used to beat google like a drunken stepfather...with a whiskey bottle.
You certainly deserve kudos for naming AOL #1 on your list. AOL
reeks of web 0.1 as web un-cool as you can be. Extra bonus points for #5 All Pay Porn Sites.
Oh gawd, you could go on forever about sites that have taken a turn for the worst: Break.com, Craigslist.org, amazon.com, ebay.com, pffsh.... how about we just do *.com and be done with it.
Actually, those of you who are saying that AOL was never cool are completely wrong. You're probably just too young to have ever seen it, because its decline started early. AOL WAS THE WEB BEFORE THERE WAS A WEB (in the 80s)...it put a graphical face on online communication. Among other things, they had perfected the chat room. But, when they web came along, AOL started losing ground fast...they made a lot of mistakes by trying to hang on to their content instead of making it available on the web, and then they flooded the world with floppy discs and then CDs in trying to regain their prior level of dominance. But they had made fatal errors by then, and it was too late. They've been a shell for a very long time. But there was a time when it was them and NO ONE ELSE. Back when AOL started, Compuserve was still text based. Bulletin boards (BBS's) were the only online community. AOL was mostly point-and-click grphics. You were just born too late to have seen all the fun... ;-)
AOL was the web before the web...in the 80s? That's not really correct - AOL didn't really get started until '94 or so. I think you are referring to CompuServe (which had GUI elements from '92 or so) and Prodigy - those were the real OGs. AOL's big breakout was more '95 or '96 or so.
Nice article - I regularly read only cnn, AICN and jumptheshark before they spiraled off into suckitude but I agree with your observations about those, so I'll hop on for the others as well.
The comment about Harry Knowles = Orange Julius + pile of tires is the Coke-Spitting Quote Of the Day.
AOL was never cool. Yes, it relied heavily on graphics that s-l-o-w-e-d e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g d-o-w-n, but it was an isolated communty of non-educated users, who did not realize that there were not even on the internet. Hmm, it still is.
AOL was Q-Link back in the day (80's). I was a SysOp for a BBS before the net became what it is - good times. But for a kid in my teens at the time, it was a bit too expensive to subscribe.
To add to the mix - another website that jumped: WIRED.com
Digg has jumped as well because of all the "fads", and the ronbots, but Facebook is now more social I don't see that as a problem, it can become a more "young corporate" site.
Personally I stopped going to slashdot, after all the political commentary and non "nerd" news, so for me that's jumped too.
AOL was for people that couldn't get the REAL internet, which was available mainly on college campuses in the 80's.. AOL was one of the LAST online services to allow real internet access and e-mail to the outside world. So though it may have had all the features and a graphical interface, it was an island separated from the rest.
And boy did USENET start to suck when they let the AOL people loose on it.
Good list, but you somehow forgot "Television Without Pity", which since the Bravo takeover has devolved into colorful crappy rantings about reality shows.
I don't agree with AOL as they were the original Internet newbs right out of the gate; anything they've done to date HAS to be an improvement.
CNN.com and USATODAY.com are both shark worthy as they more closely resemble a tabloid/paid political fodder site more than that of an unbiased news reporting agency (if either were ever that)...
(75 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
January 14th, 2008 at 07:54 pm
This list makes it official: Holy Taco has jumped the shark.
January 14th, 2008 at 07:59 pm
How can they jump the shark when they haven't even gotten in the water yet. Oh... I see... Sand sharks.
January 14th, 2008 at 08:40 pm
dang, that's harsh Holy Torpedo. Personally I think they speak a lot of truths; where else can you find out about crazy religious songs and strippers and potato chips?!! Didn't think so...
January 14th, 2008 at 09:17 pm
Sorry guys. There was a typo in my last post. I meant to write, "hump the shark." Again, sorry for the confusion.
January 14th, 2008 at 09:23 pm
ok this is one of the funniest and honest articles I have ever read. This jumping the shark should be a continues series and it should bleed over to studios, reality shows, authors, athletes, etc.....
in one word: BRILLIANT
January 14th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
yes ebaum used to be cool... now it blows....... download.com used to be my #1.....
P.S. THANK YOU HOLY TACO FOR THE REPLY ON MY MYSPACE PAGE :)
January 15th, 2008 at 07:27 am
yeah , definetly Perez Hilton. its not that well know, but growing very fast. actors hate it. but i would have also mentioned, http://www.opentopix.com , and www.plaxo.com , both growing sites
January 15th, 2008 at 07:56 am
my website, digg.com
January 15th, 2008 at 08:00 am
You can also get free streaming porn channels at http://www.tvforpc.com/adult.php
January 15th, 2008 at 08:00 am
Hmmm... aol.com and myspace.com are the only ones I've ever heard of. I didn't realize they were actually popular at some point though.
January 15th, 2008 at 08:06 am
AOL.com was never cool. AOL has never been cool.
January 15th, 2008 at 08:11 am
Ebaums world was never any more than a load of cheeky thieving bastards.
January 15th, 2008 at 08:15 am
Nice artikle, in a year or two i bet facebook will fit on this list too when people has grown tired of virtual vampire bites etc
January 15th, 2008 at 08:15 am
NICE list! I agree with every last one! LOL
January 15th, 2008 at 08:40 am
You can't condemn EBAUMSWORLD for not selling out.
January 15th, 2008 at 08:43 am
really nice and all helpful links, u pointed out amazing websites out there. thanks...
Rajj
January 15th, 2008 at 08:55 am
Fun read, but dont agree with everything
January 15th, 2008 at 08:59 am
Btw, you forgot to mention the fact that AOL totally and shamelessly copied Yahoo!'s template as if it would help them! Oh and its poor molested child, Netscape was a Digg clone.
January 15th, 2008 at 09:12 am
stickdeath.com should also make the next list. What ever happened to the high quality violence and racism that made it so great? Now it looks a whole lot like yahoo.com. Which is another site you might want to think about. Yahoo used to beat google like a drunken stepfather...with a whiskey bottle.
January 15th, 2008 at 09:37 am
spymac..used to be a great site..definitely jumped the shark..and missed the boat.
January 15th, 2008 at 09:51 am
# You are confused Says:
AOL.com was never cool. AOL has never been cool.
Exactly. WTF are you on about with the AOL one? AOL has always been crap. It was never cool.
January 15th, 2008 at 09:51 am
You certainly deserve kudos for naming AOL #1 on your list. AOL
reeks of web 0.1 as web un-cool as you can be. Extra bonus points for #5 All Pay Porn Sites.
January 15th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Loved the bit about myspace...
January 15th, 2008 at 10:27 am
EVERY SINGLE ONE of those sites has ALWAYS sucked. The only thing that's changed about any of them is your perception.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Ha ha ha, I loved the description of AOL, it's quite truthful.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Man, you are blessed with gift to be an evil and talented writer! HolyTaco goes directly into bookmarks.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:20 am
For those of us who were already online, the day AOL opened up to the net was the day the net jumped the shark.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Oh gawd, you could go on forever about sites that have taken a turn for the worst: Break.com, Craigslist.org, amazon.com, ebay.com, pffsh.... how about we just do *.com and be done with it.
January 15th, 2008 at 11:32 am
your forgot about digg, from what i can see, looks like they sold their soul to apple... haha
January 15th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Actually, those of you who are saying that AOL was never cool are completely wrong. You're probably just too young to have ever seen it, because its decline started early. AOL WAS THE WEB BEFORE THERE WAS A WEB (in the 80s)...it put a graphical face on online communication. Among other things, they had perfected the chat room. But, when they web came along, AOL started losing ground fast...they made a lot of mistakes by trying to hang on to their content instead of making it available on the web, and then they flooded the world with floppy discs and then CDs in trying to regain their prior level of dominance. But they had made fatal errors by then, and it was too late. They've been a shell for a very long time. But there was a time when it was them and NO ONE ELSE. Back when AOL started, Compuserve was still text based. Bulletin boards (BBS's) were the only online community. AOL was mostly point-and-click grphics. You were just born too late to have seen all the fun... ;-)
January 15th, 2008 at 11:51 am
and yet no one dares to put facebook and myspace on the list?
January 15th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
s810, read much? Myspace is on the list.
January 15th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I fear for LOLcats. They are holding strong, but I know there will come a day when they are a viable entry to this list.
January 15th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
LOL! I agree. EBAUMSWORLD.COM used to be one of my faves but not now.
January 15th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
AOL was the web before the web...in the 80s? That's not really correct - AOL didn't really get started until '94 or so. I think you are referring to CompuServe (which had GUI elements from '92 or so) and Prodigy - those were the real OGs. AOL's big breakout was more '95 or '96 or so.
Nice article - I regularly read only cnn, AICN and jumptheshark before they spiraled off into suckitude but I agree with your observations about those, so I'll hop on for the others as well.
The comment about Harry Knowles = Orange Julius + pile of tires is the Coke-Spitting Quote Of the Day.
January 15th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Haha! A good list :) !
January 15th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I used to be a homeless rodeo clown but now I am a world class magician !
January 15th, 2008 at 01:08 pm
timmy!
January 15th, 2008 at 01:27 pm
AOL was never cool. Yes, it relied heavily on graphics that s-l-o-w-e-d e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g d-o-w-n, but it was an isolated communty of non-educated users, who did not realize that there were not even on the internet. Hmm, it still is.
January 15th, 2008 at 01:29 pm
Television Without Pity should be on that list about eight times.
January 15th, 2008 at 01:32 pm
10 years after i still hate AOL with a passion.
January 15th, 2008 at 01:35 pm
@calenti & chuck
AOL was Q-Link back in the day (80's). I was a SysOp for a BBS before the net became what it is - good times. But for a kid in my teens at the time, it was a bit too expensive to subscribe.
To add to the mix - another website that jumped: WIRED.com
January 15th, 2008 at 02:22 pm
This list wasn't thought out very well. You forgot McIGN, Digg being taken over by Ronbots, and Facebook opening up to everybody.
January 15th, 2008 at 02:42 pm
How about Google? www.google.com
Used to be a search engine, now a horehouse.
January 15th, 2008 at 03:07 pm
very good commentary - make a video of it and put it on each site and see whats what lmao
January 15th, 2008 at 03:38 pm
Truth in every way.
Digg has jumped as well because of all the "fads", and the ronbots, but Facebook is now more social I don't see that as a problem, it can become a more "young corporate" site.
Personally I stopped going to slashdot, after all the political commentary and non "nerd" news, so for me that's jumped too.
January 15th, 2008 at 04:15 pm
AOL was for people that couldn't get the REAL internet, which was available mainly on college campuses in the 80's.. AOL was one of the LAST online services to allow real internet access and e-mail to the outside world. So though it may have had all the features and a graphical interface, it was an island separated from the rest.
And boy did USENET start to suck when they let the AOL people loose on it.
January 15th, 2008 at 04:37 pm
Good list, but you somehow forgot "Television Without Pity", which since the Bravo takeover has devolved into colorful crappy rantings about reality shows.
January 15th, 2008 at 05:59 pm
I don't agree with AOL as they were the original Internet newbs right out of the gate; anything they've done to date HAS to be an improvement.
CNN.com and USATODAY.com are both shark worthy as they more closely resemble a tabloid/paid political fodder site more than that of an unbiased news reporting agency (if either were ever that)...
January 15th, 2008 at 06:35 pm
And facebook
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