6 Unsung Groups That Will Change The Election

This presidential election looks like it's shaping up to be a close one. A few thousand votes one way or the other might do it. So, with candidates looking in all corners of the country for votes, we thought we might highlight some voting groups that don't normally vote, but will come out to the polls this year and make their presence felt.

6. THE FRAT BRO

Historically, The Frat Bro doesn't vote, using the rationale that it's "gay" and "for gay fags." And being labeled a homosexual in the Fraternity world is the worst thing imaginable. Therefore, we can deduce that if voting is for homosexuals, then by association, voting is also the worst thing imaginable.

WHY THEY'LL VOTE THIS YEAR: Although they consider voting to be homosexual, in contrast, they find putting their penis inside a woman to be the ultimate sign of masculinity. Young people have taken an interest in this year's election, thus if The Frat Bro wishes to "tear up some poontang" he'll recognize that a conversational knowledge of politics and an "I voted" sticker could work just as effectively as a roofie, without any of the legal ramifications.

5. THE PREVIOUSLY OBESE

Previously these people were, well, obese. It's not so much that they didn't vote before. They probably did. The difference is, anyone who has lost a ton of weight is A) SUPER pumped up about their weight loss and will corner a complete stranger to talk about it, and B) share a bond with other previously obese people that is so intense it makes you think they survived Auschwitz together.

WHY THEY'LL VOTE THIS YEAR: Because one of their own is running. Have you seen Mike Huckabee before he lost the weight? He looks like he was trapped in an avalanche of pork fat and ate his way out. Plus, he's more pumped up about losing weight than Mr. T was about any of the fools he pitied. Huckabee won't win the nomination, but if he gets on the vice presidential ticket, you better believe there'll be a stampede of loose skin towards the polls come November. If the democrats want to compete for those voters, they'll have to do things like this:

4. THE GAY REPUBLICAN

They're anti taxes, so they can't vote democrat. But Republicans like Mike Huckabee compare their homosexual lifestyle to necrophilia. It makes it hard to vote for a party when they liken you to a person that digs up dead bodies and starts fucking them.

WHY THEY'LL VOTE THIS YEAR: Say you hate mayonnaise and someone gives you a sandwich with all your favorite stuff on it and just a little bit of mayo. Would you eat it? Probably. Now say someone like John McCain gets the nomination. He's still got all those fiscally conservative ideals and only considers your lifestyle to be unholy, which is something you can live with if it means you get to keep an extra grand around tax time. I've gone ahead and created a shirt for this group, so they can feel involved in the rallies.

3. THE YOUNG WHITE SUBURBAN WANNABE GANGSTER

Despite living in a community that is 97% white, this group proudly refrains from voting because it is only done by "wack bitches in suits" trying to keep the black man down. They also use the word "perpetratin'" incorrectly.

WHY THEY'LL VOTE THIS YEAR: This group goes to great efforts to sympathize with urban African Americans without ever having to meet any. They show their support by renting Tyler Perry films and rooting for the Golden State Warriors. With Barack Obama in the race, this presents the ultimate opportunity for the Wannabe to embrace the African American community without having to actually interact with any black people.

Take a look at this pie chart detailing the attitude African Americans have towards the suburban gangsta before and after voting for Barack Obama. As you can see, ridicule is down one percent.

BEFORE AFTER

2. THE HERMIT RACIST

Voting is not something this group normally does due to the fact that their homes are so secluded that it is geographically impossible for them to find a voting station. This way, they feel they're a safe distance away from those practicing the witchcraft of Jewry.

WHY THEY'LL VOTE THIS YEAR: The fact that there's a 50% chance the president will be either a woman or an African American will get these guys to the polls. Even if it means rebuilding the engine to their '68 Ford Bronco and leaving their German Shepherd to fend for itself for the three days it will take to reach their nearest poll center. Here's a flow chart describing possible ramifications for this group depending on the outcome of the election.

1. DRUG DEALERS

When you sell heroin or crack, a lot of your time is taken up watching your back and refusing to give your product away in exchange for oral sex. Plus, when you make your money selling drugs, you're not really concerned with the laws and the people who make them.

WHY THEY'LL VOTE THIS YEAR: Believe it or not, some legal drugs are a lot more fun (and addictive) than illegal ones. They're just not very affordable. If Hillary or Obama's health care packages come to fruition, those drugs might become much cheaper and suddenly addicts won't be offering to suck a drug dealer's dick for crack, they'll be offering it to their primary care physician for a refill of their Zoloft prescription.