Because sometimes you just don’t know what to get your lover for Valentines Day.

7. Gonorrhea

NICKNAME: The Clap

WHAT IS IT: A bacteria that infects the man’s urethra and the woman’s cervix. It also likes to party in the rectum.

SYMPTOMS: As quickly as 2 days after you get it, women may get “vaginal discharge,” which would be the name of my first album if I had a rock band. Men get an inflamed urethra which your penis will alert you of by releasing small amounts of pus.

HOW TO GET RID OF IT: Much like the New York Giants, over the last few years Gonorrhea has built up quite a defense. Most antibiotics used to treat the bacteria are ineffective, but there are still a few like Ampicillin and Levfloxacin that still work on most strains.

FUN FACT!: Some say it’s nickname “The Clap” is derived from the old French word “clapier,” meaning “brothel.” Yet another reason to hate the French.

6. Trichomoniasis Vaginalis

Nickname: T-Vag

WHAT IS IT: An anaerobic, parasitic, flaggelated protozoan infection. In other words, it’s a little oval with tiny arm-like thingies that infest your vagina. So, basically it’s like a smaller version of Bill Maher.

SYMPTOMS: Well, there’s the ever-popular “greenish-yellow frothy vaginal secretions,” but more commonly you get pneumonia, bronchitis, and oral lesions. Oh yeah, that’s how T-vag likes to party!

HOW TO GET RID OF IT: A nice dose of Metronidazole will do the trick. It should also be given right away to sexual partners of the infected. Maybe bring that up in a crowded place clear of anything that can be used as a weapon.

FUN FACT!: T-vag, unlike Lance Bass, does not enjoy being inside an anus. It’s almost impossible for it to grow there. This does not mean you should use this information in your effort to talk your girlfriend into anal sex. That’s probably a bad idea.

5. CHANCROID

NICKNAME: Genital Ulcer

WHAT IS IT: A bacterial infection that shows up as a gray ulcer-like bump that gets agitated easily. Which, coincidentally, is exactly how I describe John McCain.

SYMPTOMS: You’ll get a bump on your genitals, anywhere from 3mm to 2 inches wide that will be gray and yellow at the bottom, like a can of Sierra Mist. And just like Sierra Mist, it’s filled with a vile fluid. In this case, blood and pus. And if you start touching it, put on your rain coats cause it’s gonna get messy.

HOW TO GET RID OF IT: The Center for Disease Control, which is like the Bud Selig of diseases, says a single dose of Azythromicin for seven days should do the trick.

FUN FACT!: It’s almost exclusively found in developing third world countries and in fact there’s only 1 case per 2 million people, found in the U.S. This means if your boyfriend says he went to San Diego on business and he has it, you may have a disease-ridden liar on your hands.

4. Syphilis

NICKNAME: The Great Imitator

WHAT IS IT: A bacteria that does damage to your heart, aorta, brain, eyes, and bones. That’s right, it’s a five-tool disease. It’s the Alex Rodriguez of STDs.

SYMPTOMS: A skin lesion will usually appear on the point of contact. Then maybe a rash. Then it’s time to party! Fever, sore throat, weight loss, headache, vomiting, swelling, they can all come and go as they please. There’s no bouncer in the Syphilis symptoms bar. And if the disease goes unchecked, it attacks your brain and then it’s night night time.

HOW TO GET RID OF IT: A steady dose of Penicillin G will make your Syphilis leave faster than your girlfriend when you told her “I have Syphilis.”

FUN FACT!: Adolf Hitler had Syphilis when he died. It’s also rumored that George Washington may have died from it.

3. Chlamydia

NICKNAME: The Silent Disease

WHAT IS IT: A bacteria and also the most common sexually transmitted disease in the world, aside from babies. (I’m going to hell for that one.)

SYMPTOMS: Ready for this? A lot of times there isn’t any. More than 50% of women that have it, don’t even know it. But if you’ve been a good little boy or girl, Chlamydia will let you in on the secret by giving you vaginal bleeding and painful urination, which also happen to be the symptoms that occur after watching multiple episodes of According To Jim.

FUN FACT!: Recent studies have revealed that Chlamydia shares a common ancestor with modern plants, sharing similar cell construction. So, next time you do the nasty unprotected, imagine a Ficus growing out of your penis or vagina.

2. PUBIC LICE

NICKNAME: Crabs

WHAT IS IT: A tiny parasitic insect that lives in your pubic hair and sucks your blood while laying tiny eggs all over your crotch. I’ll now wait for you to take ten showers and light your body on fire.

SYMPTOMS: First of all, if there’s tiny creatures running around on your nut sack and you don’t immediately jump in your car and run 11 red lights on your way to the hospital, you need to rethink your priorities. But if you want to hear a few symptoms, there’s itching, red bumps, and small eggs attached to your hairs. And oh yeah, LITTLE CRABS RUNNING AROUND ON YOUR NUTS.

HOW TO GET RID OF IT: A shampoo such as Lindane should be used immediately. Then shave your pubic hair. I’m talking Ed Norton’s head in American History X shaved. Then go through whatever’s left with a fine tooth comb in order to not miss any eggs.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Humans are the only hosts of this parasite. That means you can’t get it from sex with animals. I know we have a few readers from Arkansas, so I thought I’d put that in there to cover my bases.

1. HERPES

NICKNAME: The Gift That Keeps on Giving.

WHAT IS IT: A virus that causes lesions on the shaft of the penis or the labia and clitoris of the vagina. In other words, it sets up shop on all the best parts.

SYMPTOMS: To talk about herpes symptoms and only mention the lesions would be like doing a Seinfeld Retrospective and only showing clips of Jerry. Herpes also causes aches, pains, discharge and burning when urinating.

HOW TO GET RID OF IT: Uh oooooooh! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but currently there is no treatment that can fully get rid of the Herps. There are some “suppressive” treatments like Acyclovir but they have nasty side effects like explosive diarrhea. Penis lesions AND diarrhea? Where do I sign up?!

FUN FACT!: The immune system is able to destroy active herpes virus particles but the herpes virus has the ability to hide from the immune system, in an inactive state. It’s like the Al Qaeda of viruses.

Tags: Chancroid, Chlamydia, Gonnorhea, Herpes, Pubic lice, Syphilis, T-Vag, valentine's day

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