How To: Argue Like A Girl

If you feel like the opposite sex always beats you to the figurative punch in an argument, use this cheat sheet to help you fight like a chick (with the small possibility of actually winning).

5.  Talk Non-Stop
The reason girls win so many arguments is because they’re generally doing all the talking. You’re usually sitting there silently trying to remember what baseball game is on in an hour, or if you washed your balls in the shower this morning. Next time you fight, try stringing 10 sentences together of whatever nonsense comes into your head. This will distract her. For example:

YOU: I would like to tell you how this makes me feel.
GIRLFRIEND: How what makes you feel? You’re the one that completely forgot Valentine’s Day.
YOU: Sherry, you’re not listening to me. This really hurts me. Every time you try to talk to me about something, I feel like you’re attacking me. It’s making me hurt inside. I’m trying to express it to you, but I don’t know if you’re listening. It’s hard for me to feel these things sometimes. And then I feel like you’re not listening, and attacking. Just attacking and doing a lot of not listening. Are you listening to me? I feel like you don’t hear me. Please just listen.

4. Work up some salty discharge (In your eyes, not your pants.)
You know the drill: Just when you start winning an argument, your girlfriend starts the waterworks. This usually makes you feel bad, and then you just let her win. This time, pull out your own bag of saline tricks. If you’re not sure if you’re capable of expressing any emotion, try this method: Start concentrating on something very sad a couple minutes before you think she might be getting somewhere (IE: The Bears re-signing Rex Grossman; Your penis falling off), and think about having gonorrhea all over your body…and diarrhea all over your gonorrhea. If that doesn’t do the trick, just turn on The View.

3. Relate your current fight to a childhood trauma
Maybe your Mom didn’t breast-feed you. Maybe your Dad tried to breast-feed you too much. Whatever it is, dig up any past situation that has no bearing on your current argument and use it as your stealthy rogue. For example:

GIRLFRIEND: Were you just looking at that girl??
YOU: Wow. I’m really hurt that you would think that. This just really makes me feel like that time my mom forgot that I was in the car at the K-Mart parking lot. I waited for almost 45 minutes until she came out. I felt so horrible…I just felt wrong, like nobody wanted me. Do you love me?

She’ll have forgotten all about that other girl before you can say “water retention.”

2. Reverse Psychology
We all know you’ve effed up plenty of times with girls. You’ve stayed out too late, missed a birthday or anniversary, or accidentally called her mom a Mexican whore. BUT! What about the one time she screwed up? She might have accidentally forgotten to drop your work shirts off at the cleaners. She might have been 10 minutes late to Rambo, forcing you to sit in the first aisle of the theatre. She might have had an abortion that she never got over. Whatever it is, it had a profound effect on you. Feel free to bring this up when there’s an empty moment in the conversation. (See #5)

1. Threaten to take sex away
Girls think they’re so clever. They know we want sex, and they know if they threaten to take it away we’ll come to our senses and stop arguing with them. Try this: Next time you’re in a drawn-out argument, say something along the lines of “I just don’t feel close to you right now. I wanted to just lay next to you and maybe hold your hand, but now I don’t know if I can stand to be touched.” WARNING: It takes brass balls to make this one work, so get yours out of the closet and dust them off. If she even remotely thinks you’re bluffing, you’ll be the only one touching your penis for awhile.

 And that's it. Whether you’re arguing about who’s turn it is to take out the trash or why you can’t look into her eyes during sex, these helpful tips will make sure you come out on top when you bicker with your better half.