The 1st Annual Holy TacOscars!

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the 1st Holy Tacoscars. We don't have a host, but if we did, it'd be these guys:

Now, on to the awards:

BEST PICTURE....TO LOOK AT WHEN I WANT TO HOLD OFF AN ORGASM:

Elton John, Harrison Ford, Calista Flockhart

I'm not sure if this is a photo, or a drawing the three of them got at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Is that Calista Flockhart or that weird thing that rides the tricycle in the Saw movies?

BEST VAGINA IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Sarah Larson

I have no idea who this girl is and I don't care. I'm not even going to look it up. What I do know is, Clooney may have lost Best Actor to Daniel Day Lewis, but I'm pretty sure he didn't give a shit because he was holding his own awards later. Sources tell me the award for Best Penis Inside Sarah Larson went to Clooney and he gave an 8 hour acceptance speech which consisted of banging the crap out of her and ocassionally thanking his mom and Harvey Weinstein.

UGLIEST CELEBRITY WITH THE HOTTEST CHICK: Sean Penn

What the fuck happened to Sean Penn? He looks like he should be mounted on the corner of a museum in London. I guess good for him that he can land Petra Nemcova, but maybe try not to be photographed next to her. It looks like she's in Vegas, posing with a wax sculpture of him.

MOST UNHAPPY, "I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU" FACE: Sharon Stone

This is sharon stone with best actress winner Marion Cotillard. I'm not sure, but I think in this picture Stone has a kitchen knife underneath the table and is whispering through her teeth, "That should be mine, whore. Now just smile and wave, then make your way to the door with the Oscar. If you try and signal anyone, get ready to shit out of your back, cause that's where your new asshole will be when I cut you."

BEST CARPET ON A SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Tilda Swinton

Look, I admit I know nothing about fashion. I don't want to know anything. But tell me she didn't just make this dress out of Hefty Bags thirty minutes before she came to the show. This looks like when I tried to make my own Darth Vader costume for halloween then gave up half way through.