Buy some rubbers and get some ointment for that rash. We’re gonna get you some sex—fast.

1. Always be ready
If you’re going to get laid in less than a minute, you need to look like a guy who can get laid in less than a minute. So make not being a slob your new default setting. Tuck in your shirt, wear clothes that match, don’t let your hair be messy and—this is important—wear nice shoes. It’s all about first impressions and some girls aren’t aroused by your kitschy Thundercats t-shirt. Bitches.

2. Get the lay of the land
Wherever you are—bar, club, wedding, bail bond office—you need to observe the scene. Is there a girl who got separated from her friends? Did another guy just crash and burn? Swoop in! Better yet, read body language to find a girl who is blatantly interested in sex. Is she biting or licking her lips? Playing with her hair or necklace while she’s looking at you? Cupping her breasts and foaming at the mouth? Then you’ve got yourself a target!

3. Do NOT hesitate
Think too much and you’ll think yourself right out of a night of dirty sex. Hesitation makes you look insecure and only gives you time to become self-conscious, so follow the “three-second rule.” The logic is simple: whether you have a game plan or not, approach your target within three seconds of seeing her (before that lame voice in your head can talk you out of it). Oh, and please leave the wingman at home. Having some dipshit around to “help” is only going to slow you down.

4. Be an alpha male
Meek dudes don’t get laid; they just sit back and resent the guys who do. So expect success and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We hate to drop science on you, but women are attracted to a man they think will be good in bed. It’s biological! If a woman is in the presence of a guy who takes control, she wants to be around him and is more likely to surrender. Now for the moment of truth…

5. Say something absolutely filthy
Normally we’d advocate some time-honored techniques like mirroring or casual touching, but with only 40 seconds to work with you’ve got to cut the BS and get freaky. So go and lay it on the line. Be graphic. Tell her you want sex and remind her that she does too. Hey, we all get horny. Your parents, your grandparents, that lady with the hunchback who works at Panera—you get the point. So be the rebel who knows there’s no point in hiding it. Even the biggest prude fantasizes about a chance encounter like this. And the biggest slut is a slut for a reason: she falls for this kind of crap!

6. Keep trying till it works
Hey, we’re optimists, but odds are that you’re going to get slapped more than you get fondled. But that’s OK. You can’t make a sexy omelet without breaking some eggs. So go forth and be the super freak that God intended you to be.

Tags: get laid in 40 seconds, How-to

---

This entry was posted on Friday, February 29th, 2008 at 8:40 am and is filed under How-to. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.