How To: Buy An HD TV

It seems like a no brainer: You walk into the electronics store at the mall, point at the biggest, flattest, cheapest set you see and plunk down your credit card. That's fine…if you're a total idiot. Having the wrong TV can be the difference between thousands of hours of orgasmic content consumption and a never ending cycle of crappy picture quality and extended warranties only suckers and your rotary-phone-having mom should be dumb enough to buy.

Pick a price range

Don't pick a number that's going to have you eating Ramen and giving HJs for gas money. But when you consider how much time you're going to spend with this thing, you should be able to justify dipping into the booze fund. And once your number is set, stick to it. It's far too easy for a sexy 65-incher to seduce you into taking out a loan to buy it. Trust me, I know. Oh, and do you need an HJ? The tank is on E and I really have to get to work.

Pick a panel type

Every idiot and his retarded brother has an opinion about which kind of panel, be it plasma, LCD or rear-projection, is the best. The fact of the matter is, they're all wrong. The "best" depends on what you're going to be using it for. Here's a breakdown of the strengths and weaknesses:

LCD

The most popular type of set at the moment provides awesome color, lots of brightness and will last longer than a plasma before the picture starts to degrade. They're excellent for watching movies and playing games, but some die-hard sports fans complain that their slower response times suffer during fast-paced action. They also take up less space and often put out less heat than the other guys.

Plasma:

Many true A/V nerds will tell you that plasma is capable of providing the best picture quality, especially when it comes to providing deep blacks, something the other guys kind of suck at. The downside is that plasmas have a tendency to get burn-in, so if you're playing a video game with a life meter, it might be stuck there even after you've turned the game off. Also, they gradually lose brightness so they won't last as long.

Rear Projection:
They're big and they're cheap which is exactly what some people want. They offer excellent picture quality, but, like people who are really into American Idol, they aren't very bright, so you'll need a darker room. Another big plus is that most of them have replaceable bulbs so when it breaks, it's a matter of replacing a $200 part rather than the whole TV. Also, they are noticeable fatter, so you might need to replace the cardboard box stand your old set sat on.

Get out your tape measure

We're all size queens when it comes to screens, but the simple fact is that any TV, no matter how fancy and expensive, will look like crap if you're sitting too close to it. Not only that, but sitting 4-feet from a 65-inch panel can actually make you motion sick. So measure the distance from where the screen will be to where your eyeballs will be when you're sitting on the couch, then check out this chart to see what your sweetspot is.

Other stuff to look for:
At this point, you're going to want a 1080p panel. For the unitiated, that's the full-HD spec with 1080 lines of resolution. Translation: It makes HD content look better than 720p. Get something with at least two HDMI ports; three is even better.

Do some recon

At this point you want to go to the store and check out some TVs with your own peepers. But for the love of god, don't buy anything. Just look. If anyone in a blue polo shirt tries to give you the hard sell, just hit them with a tripod and run like hell.

Go online

By now you should know what you want so it's just a matter of buying it. Search the web for good deals, but make sure the dealers are trustworthy. Even keep tabs on the big guys' sites, because sometimes they can run crazy sales. The best time to buy is around a big holiday like Christmas and a few weeks before the Super Bowl. Don't get anything refurbished and don't, under any circumstance, get the extended warranty.

A few models to consider

Pioneer 50-inch PDP-5010FD Kuro Plasma $5,000
Widely regarded as one of the best-looking TVs on the planet, the black tones that it produce are unmatched. Just be ready to shell out some dough, because all those pretty pixels don't come cheap.

Samsung 56-inch DLP $1,800
Lots of screen real estate and a crap load of features and a fairly low price make this thing a great buy. Samsung's rep in the TV game is rock solid so buy with confidence.

Sharp Aquos LC-32D62U 32-inch LCD $1,200

You can always find great deals on Sharp TVs and they provide great all-around performance. With a little leg work and patience, you can probably get it for less than a grand.

You bought it, now don't be an asshole about it

In order for you to get a good picture out of your new box, you need to hook it up to an HD source with HD cables. Make sure you have the HD cable box from your provider and don't expect every channel to be in HD. They get more calls from idiots saying "How come all of the channels don't look good?" than you can imagine. It's also time to trade in your PS2 for an HD system like the Xbox 360 or the PS3.

One last note:

Don't buy an HD-DVD player. The format is dead.