How To: Call In Sick to Work

Basically, work sucks. So here’s a step-by-step guide for calling in “sick.” Use it when you’re too lazy to get up, hung-over, or would rather watch re-runs of Mr. Belvedere.

1) PICK THE DAY
The ideal situation is when you know which day you want to take off. Think of it as a nice mini-vacation. You don’t go to Rome without an itinerary, do you? Decide which day you want (Tuesday-Thursday works best), make sure you don’t have any crazy important meetings, and schedule a night out with your friends ASAP.

2) CHOOSE YOUR AILMENT
Do you think Johnny Depp just walked onto the Pirates of the Caribbean set without hanging out with some one-eyes? No. An actor doesn’t go into a role without researching his character. Same goes for picking an illness. You’ll want to research the symptoms, know the recovery time (you might be able to buy two or three days off from this), recognize the medications, and start faking. Here’s a list of common ailments that will buy you some time off of work without getting you fired:

Pink Eye
Vomiting/Stomach Flu
Ear infection
Strep Throat
Sprained Ankle*
Flu/Fever

*Requires accessory

3) MAKE THE CALL
The beauty of picking a “sick” day in advance is a well-executed phone call and/or e-mail to your boss. The trick? Set your alarm for two hours before you’re supposed to head into work. The sooner you call after you wake up, the better, since you’ll be disoriented and, hopefully, hungover. (NOTE: Let your behavior the night before aid whatever illness you’ve come up with. If you’re claiming strep throat, get out the Marlboro Reds and light up).

The following script can be used for a voicemail or e-mail message:

Hi Mr/Ms INSERT NAME HERE,

I’m sorry to say that I don’t think I can make it into work today. I woke up and my eye was practically sealed shut…I’ve had pink eye before and this feels like the same thing. [sigh].

I actually put a call into my optometrist last night when I felt the symptoms, but haven’t spoken to him yet to get a prescription.

I know how contagious this is so I’m holing up in my apartment. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear from the doctor. [sigh]

If you need me, I’ll be home all day, trying to get as much done as I can.

Love,

The best actor in the world.

4) SIT ON YOUR ASS ALL DAY
I don’t think I need to explain to you how to enjoy a day off of work. If I do, go back into work. You deserve it.

5) LET YOUR “SYMPTOMS” LINGER
The douches that get caught faking a sickness are the ones that show up to work the next day acting all chipper and sunburnt. You’re not a 16-year-old girl that just got asked to prom. You just passed a kidney stone the size of Mt. Helens. Act like it. Leave some medication on your desk. Walk with a limp. Put some soap in your eyes. If you’re boss catches you in a lie, you’ll most likely get fired. Then you’ll end up with scurvy because you’re homeless and broke and living under an overpass.