How To: Call In Sick to Work
Basically, work sucks. So here’s a step-by-step guide for calling in “sick.” Use it when you’re too lazy to get up, hung-over, or would rather watch re-runs of Mr. Belvedere.
1) PICK THE DAY
The ideal situation is when you know which day you want to take off. Think of it as a nice mini-vacation. You don’t go to Rome without an itinerary, do you? Decide which day you want (Tuesday-Thursday works best), make sure you don’t have any crazy important meetings, and schedule a night out with your friends ASAP.
2) CHOOSE YOUR AILMENT
Do you think Johnny Depp just walked onto the Pirates of the Caribbean set without hanging out with some one-eyes? No. An actor doesn’t go into a role without researching his character. Same goes for picking an illness. You’ll want to research the symptoms, know the recovery time (you might be able to buy two or three days off from this), recognize the medications, and start faking. Here’s a list of common ailments that will buy you some time off of work without getting you fired:
Pink Eye
Vomiting/Stomach Flu
Ear infection
Strep Throat
Sprained Ankle*
Flu/Fever
*Requires accessory
3) MAKE THE CALL
The beauty of picking a “sick” day in advance is a well-executed phone call and/or e-mail to your boss. The trick? Set your alarm for two hours before you’re supposed to head into work. The sooner you call after you wake up, the better, since you’ll be disoriented and, hopefully, hungover. (NOTE: Let your behavior the night before aid whatever illness you’ve come up with. If you’re claiming strep throat, get out the Marlboro Reds and light up).
The following script can be used for a voicemail or e-mail message:
Hi Mr/Ms INSERT NAME HERE,
I’m sorry to say that I don’t think I can make it into work today. I woke up and my eye was practically sealed shut…I’ve had pink eye before and this feels like the same thing. [sigh].
I actually put a call into my optometrist last night when I felt the symptoms, but haven’t spoken to him yet to get a prescription.
I know how contagious this is so I’m holing up in my apartment. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear from the doctor. [sigh]
If you need me, I’ll be home all day, trying to get as much done as I can.
Love,
The best actor in the world.
4) SIT ON YOUR ASS ALL DAY
I don’t think I need to explain to you how to enjoy a day off of work. If I do, go back into work. You deserve it.
5) LET YOUR “SYMPTOMS” LINGER
The douches that get caught faking a sickness are the ones that show up to work the next day acting all chipper and sunburnt. You’re not a 16-year-old girl that just got asked to prom. You just passed a kidney stone the size of Mt. Helens. Act like it. Leave some medication on your desk. Walk with a limp. Put some soap in your eyes. If you’re boss catches you in a lie, you’ll most likely get fired. Then you’ll end up with scurvy because you’re homeless and broke and living under an overpass.
Tags: call in sick to work, How-to
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
My girlfriend called in sick so now I can eat poontang all day.
April 2nd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
uh huh, and that’s why your on the Holy Taco looking at pictures of sexy nurses…
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Man, I have to say that in my part of the world, I might be the best call-in-sick guy anyone’s ever seen. I’ve got it down to emails and text messages now. #5 is especially true. If you show up the next day you’re gonna be screwed. Call in sick on a Thursday, take Friday off too…maybe even Monday. You’re really sick, right?
April 5th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I called in once with “venereal warts”, the next day I offered to show them to my boss, he said “No, I’ll just take your word for it”
Then later in the bathroom we were pissing at the same time, I groaned a little bit and said, “Damn that burns when it piss…”
April 10th, 2008 at 3:17 am
Contagious things such as pink eye , a simple cold or flu would be best. Start Thursday, maybe stay home monday, but if your like me and you are awesome, wakeup monday morning, call in and say you dont think you can make it, before you go back to bed drink a few, wakeup about noon, look like shit, and take some valium, xanax, something of the sort, and even then make sure you aide it with some beer to not only make you look drowsy and out of sync, but to accually do so, while feeling good. You will feel great, infact great to an extent you might need a reminder of some sort, to maintain the ability to say absolutely nothing, this will make it look like your in dire health, and also ‘care’ about your work. Keep something like a wad of tissue paper in your pocket, although, if your really having fun, just wrap a rubber band around ur finger, or write a random ‘phone number’ on yourself someplace visible, as a ‘SHUT YOUR MOUTH’ and if asked or provoked into speaking ‘PRETEND YOU ARE IN DISTRESS AND JUST KIND OF GRUNT IT IN AN ORDERLY FASHION’ reminder.
Ganja will give you the groggy/redeye/slow epitome. And also make your ‘first day back from sick leave’ a pleasant one. But for those of you who stick to the legalities, a six pack , or less if you paint vaginas on mspaint for hobbies, and a xanax or valium (preferrably xanax, due to it lasting 4 hours or less) hop in and be joyfull and quiet, keep ur job, work, from 12-3 , or 130-5 or whatever, the last half or third of your day. And if you have a riggourrous and mentally demanding job, take notes home have fun, before you look at the notes again, grab up a hussie at the bar.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:24 am
just get blacked out wasted so you puke on the job. if you’re lucky, they might just tell you never to return!
http://www.bannedinhollywood.com
June 1st, 2008 at 4:46 am
Hi webmaster!