Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon Get Married

I used to have this really nice golden retriever, and then it got old and blind and starting shitting while it walked and running into stuff.  Then one day I came home and my mom had taken it to get a bath and a hair cut and she was like "See, Bailey is like she's three again!" and right when she said that Bailey took a shit on my mom.  My point is, when things get old and crazy, there's no going back no matter how many baths or haircuts they get.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have wed.

The two got hitched in a small ceremony on an island Wednesday, according to the magazine. They quote a source as saying it was "very implusive."

Nick Cannon what in the hell are you doing?  You're 27 and from what I hear you're in movies and chicks want to do you.  Why in the hell are you marrying a batshit crazy, 38 year old Mariah Carey?  It makes no sense.  It'd be like winning the lottery then immediately buying the first used Delorean that showed up in an Autotrader search.

Much like a Michael Bay film, this is going to be incredibly pointless and end terribly.  But the worst part for Nick Cannon is that Mariah Carey has reached a level of crazy that makes her capable of anything.  You remember the movie Misery?  You remember that shit?  Yeah, well, take a look, this photoshop scared ME while I was making it.