Stereotypes are some of the most difficult things to overcome for any race. Every time you think your people start making some headway, someone has to mess it up for everybody. Well, we think it’s about time every race got their own publicist and started putting a gag order on some of their members, cause letting these people parade around like they represent all of us is the last thing we need. Here’s a list of who we’d make sure was never allowed anywhere near a camera.

ITALIANS

ANYONE FROM GROWING UP GOTTI

Any show that features a family of someone in the mafia arguing over who’s been stealing who’s hair gel, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say probably doesn’t bring a large sense of pride to Italians.

JERSEY SHORE KIDS

These kids have managed to make covering yourself in orange an Italian stereotype. Not only that, but they insist on showing these tans by taking photos every time they get near an automobile worth more than 23,000 dollars and posting it on the internet for all to see

ARABS

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Well, there’s the whole responsible for 9/11 thing that caused every person with a beard to have to get to the airport 4 hours before their flight. But to top it off, he puts out video after video calling for the murder of anyone from the western world. He’s like an evil lonely girl 15, except he doesn’t give nerds hope that they might one day get laid by an attractive woman, which in and of itself is also fairly evil.

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD

It’s bad enough when people deny the holocaust ever happened, but it reaches another level when you hold a convention for those people that features a brunch and lectures. Just when you think tensions between Jews and the middle east are getting better, he calls for Israel to be “wiped off the map.” That’s like if your neighbor was letting his lawn get too unruly and you politely spoke to him and smoothed it over, then your roommate went over there and called his wife a dirty whore. There’s not really any going back from a statement like that.

AFRICAN AMERICANS

DMX

All you need to know about why DMX shouldn’t be allowed near a camera or reporter, is this interview:

XXL Magazine: Are you following the presidential race?
DMX: Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the f*** is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the f***?! That ain’t no f***in’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the f*** outta here.

FLAVOR FLAV

I’m pretty sure performers from 1920s minstrel shows would find Flavor of Love offensive. Not only does he butcher the English language, he does so proudly. Not to mention, one of his catch phrases consists of simply saying his own name: “Flaaavor fllaaaaaaaav!,” while wearing a gigantic clock and Viking helmet.

CAUCASIANS

JEFF SKILLING

The guy almost single-handedly f-ed thousand and thousands of people out of their retirements and savings to make himself more rich—which basically reinforced everyone’s thinking that big corporations are filled with slimy piece of shit old white dudes looking to screw over as many little people as possible. Not to mention, there’s about a million photos of him and various fat, white, and slimy congressmen floating around, which instills lots of confidence in our elected officials.

LARRY THE CABLE GUY

First of all, the guy is from Nebraska yet he puts on an accent like he lives in the mountains of Arkansas and bangs his cousin inside a hollowed out deer carcass. But it’s not the cut-off flannel shirt and trucker hat that give Caucasians a bad name. It’s him standing in front of 10000 people at a show and saying stuff like:

The Republicans had a muslim give the opening prayer at there (sic) convention! What the hell’s going on around here! Is Muslim now the official religion of the United States!… First these peckerheads fly planes into towers and now theys (sic) prayin’ before conventions! People say not all of ‘em did that and I say who gives a rats fat ass!”

When you’re the race responsible for enslaving a people as recent as 150 years ago, maybe we shouldn’t be giving the “who gives a rat’s ass” comment about an entire ethnic group.

IRISH

COLIN FARRELL

It’s almost as if before Colin Farrell does any interview he looks at a checklist of Irish stereotypes and says to himself, “Drunk: check. Obnoxious: check. Cursing at inappropriate times: check. Alrighty, let’s get a camera on me ya f&*king homos.”

LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL GUY

You can’t watch a Saturday morning cartoon without seeing an ad for the cereal featuring Lucky, pleading with you to not steal his lucky charms like a drunken IRA member. You halfway expect him to strap a bomb to a Volkswagon and park it in front of the fort where the children make their marshmallow stealing plans.

SHANE MCGOWAN

Living the life of a drunken Irish stereotype, the Pogues lead singer has thrown up on fans, lost most of his teeth to alcoholism and been kicked out of his own band for being drunk. If the Irish don’t want to be thought of as drunken louts, then they should keep Shane away from the public and out of the pub forever.

JEWS

WOODY ALLEN

Let’s see, he’s incredibly neurotic, whiny, and self loathing, but what really puts him over the top is that he bangs his adopted daughter. And since that in no way derailed movie studios from allowing him to make more films, it succeeded in making everyone assume there must be some sort of Jewish Conspiracy because normally f-ing your adopted daughter is a career ender.

AL GOLDSTEIN

Every time there’s any kind of scandal, this disgusting blob goes on any media outlet that’ll put him on…but he’ll only talk about how the country owes him something because he was the first guy to put a picture of a penis being inserted into a vagina in a magazine. As an added bonus, he describes himself as a “member of the press.” Al Goldstein calling himself a member of the press is like Brian Scalabrine calling himself a member of the Celtics.

LATINOS

OZZIE GUILLEN

Every time he’s upset, someone sticks a camera in his face and he more than happily says stuff like this:

“The Cubs haven’t won in [100] years, and they’re the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we’re good. [Bleep] everybody. We’re horse[bleep], and we’re going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win.”

Quotes like that are always helpful when the nation is dealing with the influx of latino immigrants. I’m pretty sure the minute men tap a picture of his face before they grab their rifles and sit on the border.

CARLOS MENCIA

It’s one thing to do racial humor that points out the differences between ethnic groups. It’s quite another to make the entirety of your act those kind of jokes that you stole from other comedians. Not only that, but at some point he figured he probably needed to seem more Hispanic since he was going to make fun of hispanics, so he changed his first name from Ned to Carlos. I guess that makes jokes about picking strawberries in a field more funny.

ASIAN AMERICANS

LONG DUC DONG

He’s out of a 1940s propaganda film. The fact someone created a character whose whole schtick is that he says “L” like an “R” and does nothing else, is quite a feat.

WILLIAM HUNG

At least Long Duc Dong was a character in a movie, and thus not real. Now every time there’s a new American Idol, Asian people have to sit and watch reruns of his horrific “She Bangs.”

Tags: colin farrel, people who make their race look bad, william hung

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