Roger Clemens Sorry About All That Sex He Had

Roger Clemens has had a tough few months. After being accused of taking steroids, it's now coming out that he's made the sexytime with many, many, many ladies who weren't his wife over the years. So, instead of denying, he issued this statement today:

I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.

I have apologized to my family for my mistakes. And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private."

Wouldn't it be nice to have a lawyer write up all of your public apologies? I've heard Roger Clemens speak before and he is a great big hillbilly who isn't nearly this articulate. This is what his apology would look like if it was actually coming out of his mouth:

Dear People,

I did the sex with women. Some of those women weren't my lady wife. We done it in hotel rooms and at truck stops and other places for years and years. I used the doggy and the missionary styles of awesome sexmoves. And while I did enjoy my sex very much, I understand that you should not have known about it. If I could change any of this, I would change the fact that you heard about this.

And, well, shit. I wish you didn't know about me doing my sex with these random strangers and young karaoke singers. I also really, really, really wish my wife didn't hear about this. It is hard for me to do my sex moves on her now. She's mad. Like, real mad. She won't even touch my pocket rocket (geddit?). Which makes me sad. And sorry.

Real sorry about that awesome sex stuff I did with all those ladies for all those years.

Roger

PS: If you see my wife reading a newspaper or watching a television, please make her stop. She seems to get madder at me whenever she does that.