After hearing about Uma Thurman's recent stalker troubles, I asked myself a question: If I was a stalker, would I stalk Uma Thurman? The answer was a pretty resounding "no." (Since I was playing the role of a stalker, I also was hearing voices.) Then I asked myself another question: Is Uma Thurman sexy? Sure, she's totally cool and seems down to earth. But do you really want to stalk some girl who looks and acts like the tomboy on your company softball team? If I'm going to blow a jail sentence on a girl, she'd have to have something awesome like an enormous ass or an enormous chest or a tiny mouth...which I think means I should be stalking one of the Chicago White Sox blow-up dolls.
Leave your viewpoints in the comments section. Our favorite responses will win some Holy Taco schwag.
I don't understand why she didn't just break out a Hanzo sword and scalp the guy, Then pop him with the 5 point palm exploding heart technique for good measure.
She must have seen him out of the corner of her eyes... Or to be technical, her ears, because that's pretty much where her eyes are. Not everyone is granted with the ability to look in two directions at once.
She had a stalker? After that horrible excuse for acting she did in that "Kill bill" crap? Did it specify if he was sexually interested or a great citizen willing to risk his life to end hers and better our trips to the movie theaters for good?
I agree with Ian with the "but it would have to be eyes closed and no kissing" but she'd also have to have a paper bag over her face because even though my eyes were closed - i'd know that face was there... its like when you see something so horrible that your cock turns a 360 up your belly while systematically causing you to screech in fear and cover your eyes.. but you see it in your head and you're so engrossed in it that you can't help but peak. Yeah - that.
Poison ivy... remember the crazy plastic lips you have to wear to kiss her? Imagine doing the nasty. You'd need way more than a rubber. Maybe three of them and a plastic grocery bag. Not worthy of jail. Wait... I'm talking sex/ maybe rape, not stalking. Oh well. Potato pota-whatever.
She looks like Madonna after a few years with braces. Speaking of Madonna... Whats up with that crazy bitch. Is she British now? Is it possible to become British?
Ok, seriously, if you are a stalker its clear youre already f-ed in the head which means that once you've proven youre nuts then you shouldnt be expected to make sense whom youre stalking. But there is the point that if youre gonna go to jail for some whore you might as well get your jail-times worth.
must've thought she was some kind of demented rare safari animal and was hunting her for the trophy pelt...but he stopped once he realized he just wasted a whole lot of time chasing around a bitch who acts like she goes to sleep in a pile of grade a columbian.
(17 Comments)
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May 6th, 2008 at 02:48 pm
i might stalk her bank account.
May 6th, 2008 at 02:50 pm
Stalker? I'm not even sure how she's famous. She must have some serious dirt on Quentin Tarantino.
In related news, I thought I was stalking Princess Di once. But it turned out to be just a pile of rags.
May 6th, 2008 at 03:49 pm
I'd pee in her butt -_-
May 6th, 2008 at 04:03 pm
Please stop linking to chickipedia, it's devoid of any useful pictures or information. In the future, simply link to google images.
k? thx.
or just link to goatse.
May 6th, 2008 at 05:17 pm
I don't understand why she didn't just break out a Hanzo sword and scalp the guy, Then pop him with the 5 point palm exploding heart technique for good measure.
May 6th, 2008 at 05:37 pm
She must have seen him out of the corner of her eyes... Or to be technical, her ears, because that's pretty much where her eyes are. Not everyone is granted with the ability to look in two directions at once.
May 6th, 2008 at 06:00 pm
I would hit it, but it would have to be eyes closed and no kissing
May 6th, 2008 at 07:22 pm
She had a stalker? After that horrible excuse for acting she did in that "Kill bill" crap? Did it specify if he was sexually interested or a great citizen willing to risk his life to end hers and better our trips to the movie theaters for good?
I agree with Ian with the "but it would have to be eyes closed and no kissing" but she'd also have to have a paper bag over her face because even though my eyes were closed - i'd know that face was there... its like when you see something so horrible that your cock turns a 360 up your belly while systematically causing you to screech in fear and cover your eyes.. but you see it in your head and you're so engrossed in it that you can't help but peak. Yeah - that.
May 6th, 2008 at 07:22 pm
As long as she had a paper bag over her head I would bang that shit like a drum. Grade A ass, grade D face.
May 6th, 2008 at 07:33 pm
you are all crazy, she's pretty damn hot. i would stalk her but she'd probably beat me up.
May 6th, 2008 at 09:23 pm
Poison ivy... remember the crazy plastic lips you have to wear to kiss her? Imagine doing the nasty. You'd need way more than a rubber. Maybe three of them and a plastic grocery bag. Not worthy of jail. Wait... I'm talking sex/ maybe rape, not stalking. Oh well. Potato pota-whatever.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
She looks like Madonna after a few years with braces. Speaking of Madonna... Whats up with that crazy bitch. Is she British now? Is it possible to become British?
May 6th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Ok, seriously, if you are a stalker its clear youre already f-ed in the head which means that once you've proven youre nuts then you shouldnt be expected to make sense whom youre stalking. But there is the point that if youre gonna go to jail for some whore you might as well get your jail-times worth.
May 7th, 2008 at 01:01 am
Thats gonna be Dakota Fanning in a few years. :P Imma hit both. Im gonna let her weild my sword any way she wants.
May 7th, 2008 at 02:23 am
why are her eyes so far apart? she looks like admiral ackbar from star wars
May 7th, 2008 at 05:28 pm
She kinda looks like that freak from teh Goonies. Hahaha
May 7th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
must've thought she was some kind of demented rare safari animal and was hunting her for the trophy pelt...but he stopped once he realized he just wasted a whole lot of time chasing around a bitch who acts like she goes to sleep in a pile of grade a columbian.
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