In honor of Mother's Day, here's a list of mom's we wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Or a three-inch penis.
12. Angela Bower – Who’s The Boss Number of Kids: 1 (Jonathan) Why I Wouldn’t: Aside from the fact that she looks like a plastic skeleton in a pediatrician's office, she's so annoyingly neurotic that you'd be standing there holding a condom while she'd say: “Should we do this? What if Jonathan walks in? Jonathan’s been acting strange lately. I think he and Mona are up to something? Do you think they’re up to something? I do. I definitely do. We should spy on them?”
11. Florida Evans - Good Times Number of Kids: 3 (Jimmy, Thelma and Michael) Why I Wouldn’t: I’m not against a woman with a little meat on her bones, but there’s a lot of meat there. And it’s not just on her bones, it’s pretty much everywhere. Plus, I feel like even if I got it up for her, she’d sassily lecture me because I blamed Thelma for not taking the trash out when it was actually my turn. Then she’d coax me into apologizing to Thelma and by the time I was done with that, there’s no way I’d still have an erection. [Also, she looks like David Ortiz.]
10. Alice Hyatt - Alice Number of Kids: 1 (Tommy) Why I Wouldn’t: I’m pretty sure Jason Varitek uses her face to catch Jonathan Papelbon. She’s weathered and looks like she could possibly be from New Jersey, which means she's riddled with STDs and garlic. No thank you.
9. Kate Tanner - ALF Number of Kids: 2 (Lynn and Brian) Why I Wouldn’t: I’m pretty sure Pink would call her mannish. Normally, the only time you run into someone who looks like her is behind an Applebee’s and she’s asking to blow you for some coke or whatever you have in your to-go box.
8. Grace Kelly - Grace Under Fire Number of Kids: 2 or 3 (I can’t tell from the Wikipedia page and no one I know has seen the show) Why I Wouldn’t: Call me old fashioned, but I just don’t like it when a woman has a voice that’s deeper than mine. (And a penis that's longer and wider than mine.)
7. Mary Jo Shively - Designing Women Number of Kids: 2 (Claudia and Quentin) Why I Wouldn’t: With her clothes on, she doesn’t look all that bad. But on the outside, Black Angus looks like a decent restaurant. I’m pretty sure if she disrobed, she’d look like the Nazi guy in the last Indiana Jones who drank from the wrong Holy Grail about halfway before he disintegrated into dust and the medieval guy said, “He chose poorly.”
6. The Car - My Mother The Car Number of Kids: 1 (David) Why I Wouldn’t: Her tailpipe is saggy and rusty, she needs a new set of headlights and, between you and me, she's pretty gassy.
5. Miranda Hobbs - Sex and the City Number of Kids: 1 (Brady) Why I Wouldn’t: I have such a hard time telling these characters apart. Is this one the vapid whore who loves shoes? Or is she the vapid whore who loves handbags? Or maybe she’s vapid whore who likes both shoes and handbags? Hmm, let me do a little more research and get back to you as to exactly why this one’s a MIWLF…OK, I’m back. She's a vapid whore who had a baby, that’s why.
4. Roseanne Barr/Arnold/Thomas – Roseanne Number of Kids: 3 (Becky (twice), Darlene, DJ) Why I Wouldn’t: Despite her obvious heft, it’s the fact she’s the female version of Sam Kinnison that would kill the whole thing. Could you imagine trying to finish when a naked pile of mayonnaise and hair is screaming at you for not punishing Darlene after she set the garage on fire? I could not.
3. Marion Cunningham - Happy Days Number of Kids: 3 (Chuck, Richie and Joanie) Why I Wouldn’t: Forget the fact that she’s sort of an iconic figure from my early childhood, she was also banging Tom Bosley. Those are some sloppy seconds I just couldn’t stomach.
2. Louise "Weezy" Jefferson - The Jeffersons Number of Kids: 1 (Lionel) Why I Wouldn’t: I'm pretty sure Weezy got her name from the sound she made while walking up the stairs to the audition. If you watch The Jefferson's closely, there are several scenes where Sherman Helmsley is actually in orbit around her. (She's really large.)
1. Edith Bunker - All in the Family Number of Kids: 1 (Gloria) Why I Wouldn’t: Aside from the obvious reason that she’s in her fifties and looks like she was created by DC Comics to provide a formidable opponent for Batman, her voice causes my penis to retreat inside my body and cower in fear behind my testicles.
#1 is Florida hands down. Any time Big Papi looks like your twin and your a female, you should be #1. I think she actually might look better if she grew a goatee, hide as much of that face as possible. And she was fat, with no tits!
I think I've j’ed off to half that list in the past, which is pretty sad. Just seeing that picture of the woman from ALF gave me a semi, also pretty sad.
What about Mamma from Mamma’s Family? Vicki Lawrence is pretty busted.
Maybe Mrs Brady or something just because you know that she's so plain and nice. Once you get past that you realize she would rip you up in the sack, can't bee that nice always. Mrs Brady along with possibly Samantha from Bewitched? I am sure their are many more I can not think of. This must be explored any ideas? I know all of you have had your crushes or seen the sexy side of the moms. Oh yea Mrs Seaver from Growing Pains was pretty hot too.
Think most are pretty good. You are being a bit harsh Florida, Weezy, Roseanne, Car, and Edith are all on the list for sure. I guess for the lack of any further ugly sitcom moms the others had to be put on the list. Other than that I couldn't do Mrs C because she is Mrs C always good and wholesome to all of us and everyone on the show. Hey how about a list of the sexiest moms?
QUOTE CHARLES Says:
"I WOULD DO ALL OF THESE WOMEN **BUT** ROSEANN,WEEZY,FLORIDA EVANS,EDITH BUNKER."
Charles, be honest you would do Edith in the butt while 69'ing Weezy's overgrown bush and watching Flo and RoseAnn do a 2 girl one cup, with Archie standing over you the whole time yelling "Move over Meat-Head, you're not doing it right!"
First - Quarry Girl should gofocoffee
Second - I can't believe you have Annie Potts down there - she's a definite target!
Third - you totally forgot Estelle Costanza - key miss!
Fourth - I don;t care if Rosanne works at Hershey - I ain't packing that Fudge!!!
The guy who nominated Harriet from "Family Matters" is right. When the makeup artists from "Independence Day" are modeling aliens after your face, you're definitely one of television's ten most haggard sitcom moms.
Huh? Anne Schedeen was HOT.....even the picture you have posted is sultry. It gives rise to my melmac. Don't you know what ALF stands for? It stands for "ANNE I'D LIKE TO F--K".
Miranda, the mom on ALF, Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire are all a go, and the Designing Women chick looks a little like Debra Messing there so I'd probably give her a toss as well.
Okay, if Bea Arthur doesn't count... then how about Harriet from Family Matters?
She was like the second coming of Weezy from the Jeffersons. How the hell did Carl Winslow put up with her hoarse voice and freaky face to produce Eddy, Laura, and that other daughter who was only in about 10% of the episodes?
He should've just called up his good buddy John McClaine and he would've set things right.
Before all you Bea Arthur fans get your granny panties in a bunch, let's be clear: Bea Arthur was, like, 60 in the Golden Girls. Which makes her GIWLF material, not MIWLF material. We had to cut it off somewhere.
And if you bring up Maude, then you are a 60-year-old woman.
Aside from the fact you used "Aside from" to start a third of the descriptions, it was a good enough list. This does lend to my theory that the 15 year old retarded monkey is now ghostwriting most of these stories...I guess no one gave him a thesaurus for his birthday.
Nick at night? What are you 15? Of course you haven't heard of any of these shows. Anyone over the age of 25 should have seen episodes of these (whether your parents were watching and you were stuck suckin' a titty and staring at the tube - or - you've seen reruns)
If you are going to fault Marion Cunningham for anything, and I don't think you should, it should be for keeping Chuck locked up in the attic all those years. Chuck went up stairs in an episode and never came back down. What the hell is up with that?
Everyone know Mr. C was all about eating at the Y. According to what I'm going to post on Wikipedia, it's a well documented face that he could breath though his ears.
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September 18th, 2008 at 04:09 am
#1 is Florida hands down. Any time Big Papi looks like your twin and your a female, you should be #1. I think she actually might look better if she grew a goatee, hide as much of that face as possible. And she was fat, with no tits!
August 19th, 2008 at 05:08 am
The car. That one was funny...
And yeah, the chick with a baby from Sex in the City is a whore, but she's not hideously ugly and she is the LEAST whore-ish one. At least.
July 7th, 2008 at 07:26 pm
I think I've j’ed off to half that list in the past, which is pretty sad. Just seeing that picture of the woman from ALF gave me a semi, also pretty sad.
What about Mamma from Mamma’s Family? Vicki Lawrence is pretty busted.
July 3rd, 2008 at 08:39 pm
Grace Under Fire - three kids - the oldest is a boy, the middle is a girl with curly hair, and the third is a baby girl.
June 23rd, 2008 at 07:46 pm
Oh Comeone Annie potts from designing women was cute as hell
May 11th, 2008 at 03:03 am
I didn't even realize that rozane fuckin' bar still qualified as a female
May 11th, 2008 at 02:58 am
You fucker are right on all exept Judith Light(who's the boss)
That biatch is a straight up M.I.L.F.
May 9th, 2008 at 02:54 am
Maybe Mrs Brady or something just because you know that she's so plain and nice. Once you get past that you realize she would rip you up in the sack, can't bee that nice always. Mrs Brady along with possibly Samantha from Bewitched? I am sure their are many more I can not think of. This must be explored any ideas? I know all of you have had your crushes or seen the sexy side of the moms. Oh yea Mrs Seaver from Growing Pains was pretty hot too.
May 9th, 2008 at 02:46 am
Think most are pretty good. You are being a bit harsh Florida, Weezy, Roseanne, Car, and Edith are all on the list for sure. I guess for the lack of any further ugly sitcom moms the others had to be put on the list. Other than that I couldn't do Mrs C because she is Mrs C always good and wholesome to all of us and everyone on the show. Hey how about a list of the sexiest moms?
May 8th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Why did the blonde come in last, I'd hit it.
Bryan
http://www.easywindowshelp.com
May 8th, 2008 at 09:13 pm
Edith is HOT!!!
May 8th, 2008 at 05:28 pm
What about Marge Simpson- anyone would do her? I think not. Now Mrs. Jane Jetson- that's a different story.
May 8th, 2008 at 05:25 pm
QUOTE CHARLES Says:
"I WOULD DO ALL OF THESE WOMEN **BUT** ROSEANN,WEEZY,FLORIDA EVANS,EDITH BUNKER."
Charles, be honest you would do Edith in the butt while 69'ing Weezy's overgrown bush and watching Flo and RoseAnn do a 2 girl one cup, with Archie standing over you the whole time yelling "Move over Meat-Head, you're not doing it right!"
May 8th, 2008 at 03:27 pm
I'd do Roseanne, if only for the chance to leave her a Cleveland steamer.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
i noticed that your house smells of feces...and not just animal feces...
May 7th, 2008 at 08:15 pm
First - Quarry Girl should gofocoffee
Second - I can't believe you have Annie Potts down there - she's a definite target!
Third - you totally forgot Estelle Costanza - key miss!
Fourth - I don;t care if Rosanne works at Hershey - I ain't packing that Fudge!!!
May 7th, 2008 at 05:09 pm
Seriously? Are you guys joking? Judith Light is HOT, how the fuck can you say she's ugly. So is Anne Schedeen, she's got HUGE juggs man.
What are you guys smoking.
May 7th, 2008 at 03:57 pm
wow, cunty cuntall's comments is SICK!!! nasty!!
http://digitalfuntown.squarespace.com/dft-blog/2008/5/8/the-nuttcups-the...
May 7th, 2008 at 05:41 am
I'd rather do my Mom than any of these bitches.....in fact I have !!!
May 7th, 2008 at 03:58 am
Aside from the fact that Myles Kilometers is probably the worst pun ever, two out of twelve is one sixth, not one half.
May 7th, 2008 at 03:38 am
Hey what about the mother from the early Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episodes? She looked like a burned-up cadaver!
May 7th, 2008 at 03:33 am
yeah, i am over 15 JIMMY, but i am also under 25. and i have never heard of most of these severely dated shows. I'm also lonely!
May 7th, 2008 at 01:13 am
The guy who nominated Harriet from "Family Matters" is right. When the makeup artists from "Independence Day" are modeling aliens after your face, you're definitely one of television's ten most haggard sitcom moms.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Alyssa was Tony's kid
May 6th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
angela had two kids. How ca you forget alyssa?
May 6th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
oh man, i had to digg that. great post.
May 6th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that while getting it on with Roseanne she would ask you to put it in her pooper. Not a doubt in my mind.
May 6th, 2008 at 09:49 pm
I'd watch your back Holy Taco, the natives are restless today. Looks like someone pissed in their sno cones.
May 6th, 2008 at 08:56 pm
who's the nerd who put this list together?
terrible idea
May 6th, 2008 at 08:49 pm
What about the momma from "Mommas Family"?
May 6th, 2008 at 08:44 pm
Huh? Anne Schedeen was HOT.....even the picture you have posted is sultry. It gives rise to my melmac. Don't you know what ALF stands for? It stands for "ANNE I'D LIKE TO F--K".
May 6th, 2008 at 08:29 pm
impressive list...except for the fact that there were 2 number 4's
May 6th, 2008 at 08:28 pm
Miranda, the mom on ALF, Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire are all a go, and the Designing Women chick looks a little like Debra Messing there so I'd probably give her a toss as well.
May 6th, 2008 at 08:27 pm
Okay, if Bea Arthur doesn't count... then how about Harriet from Family Matters?
She was like the second coming of Weezy from the Jeffersons. How the hell did Carl Winslow put up with her hoarse voice and freaky face to produce Eddy, Laura, and that other daughter who was only in about 10% of the episodes?
He should've just called up his good buddy John McClaine and he would've set things right.
May 6th, 2008 at 08:22 pm
I would do Edith before that fat, loudmouth Bitch Rosanne any day!
May 6th, 2008 at 07:49 pm
Even the car charles say it ain't so
May 6th, 2008 at 07:32 pm
I WOULD DO ALL OF THESE WOMEN BUT ROSEANN,WEEZY,FLORIDA EVANS,EDITH BUNKER.
May 6th, 2008 at 05:57 pm
id still eat all there assholes after they ate a bowl of chilli with ex lax
May 6th, 2008 at 05:44 pm
Quarry girl are you like 10, i'm 23 and I know what all these shows are. How old does that make me? Well 23.
May 6th, 2008 at 05:19 pm
Before all you Bea Arthur fans get your granny panties in a bunch, let's be clear: Bea Arthur was, like, 60 in the Golden Girls. Which makes her GIWLF material, not MIWLF material. We had to cut it off somewhere.
And if you bring up Maude, then you are a 60-year-old woman.
May 6th, 2008 at 05:14 pm
No Bee Arthur?? WTF HolyTaco. S/he's like the epitome of revolting. Watch Golden Girls and look for the transvestite-looking grandma on there.
May 6th, 2008 at 05:12 pm
Shitty list. Shitty reasons. Just plain shitty.
May 6th, 2008 at 05:10 pm
Aside from the fact you used "Aside from" to start a third of the descriptions, it was a good enough list. This does lend to my theory that the 15 year old retarded monkey is now ghostwriting most of these stories...I guess no one gave him a thesaurus for his birthday.
May 6th, 2008 at 05:10 pm
What about Estelle Getty from Golden Girls?!?
She was the mom of the tall one - I think it was Dorothy (who's also a mom)
In fact, all those old hags should get an honorary mention
I just turtled....
May 6th, 2008 at 04:52 pm
Nick at night? What are you 15? Of course you haven't heard of any of these shows. Anyone over the age of 25 should have seen episodes of these (whether your parents were watching and you were stuck suckin' a titty and staring at the tube - or - you've seen reruns)
May 6th, 2008 at 04:23 pm
If you are going to fault Marion Cunningham for anything, and I don't think you should, it should be for keeping Chuck locked up in the attic all those years. Chuck went up stairs in an episode and never came back down. What the hell is up with that?
Everyone know Mr. C was all about eating at the Y. According to what I'm going to post on Wikipedia, it's a well documented face that he could breath though his ears.
May 6th, 2008 at 03:22 pm
i take that back, i've heard of sex and the city...and happy days, cause that was on nick at night!
May 6th, 2008 at 03:21 pm
wow, i've never even heard of any of these shows. how old are you, like 50?
May 6th, 2008 at 03:20 pm
I don't know. Mary Jo Shivley? Mirand Hobbs? I'd hit that shit.
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