Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We're not saying we're cool, we're just saying if you own any of these items, you're not.
10. iPhone
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on your phone. Because really, normal people around you are so f*&king boring you can hardly bear actually interacting with them.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: I’ve done some research and iPhone is actually a Japanese word that means “something that’s not able to be put in a pocket and instead must be carried in your hand at all times or set on the table in front of you so that any one around you can see it.” This may sound shocking, but when someone remarks how hot it is, they’re not asking you to look up the temperature in both farenheit and celcius, or show them a clip on a 3 inch screen from "An Inconvenient Truth" in an effort to relate this heat to global warming.
9.Ironic Belt Buckles
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Now you can show up in bars and point at your belt buckle and tell people that you are a "Rodeo Champion" or a "Pac Man" or a "Truck Driver" or a "Jack Daniels." And while they will know that you are actually none of these things, you think you're being playful and a little bit mysterious. You also think this tactic will help you pick up women.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You're the same person who has ironic facial hair (mustache), drinks ironic beer (PBR) and wears ironic T-shirts (Lucky Charms). You spend your entire life trying to look as shitty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you over $60,000. In four years you will be a Republican living in the suburbs and complaining about your 401k over wine spritzers at dinner parties.
8. Blue Tooth Headset
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they’re only driving the speed limit. It’s Tuesday, doesn’t this asshole know you have your jujitsu class at 24 hour fitness to go to?
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: I don’t give a shit if you’re talking to someone on the other end, when you’re in a Subway Sandwiches and they’re trying to take your order while you say “Listen, you give me that paperwork for the Johnson account by tomorrow or it’s your ass. No mayo. I said no Mayo! Yeah, that’s right, Johnson account on my desk! No pepperoncinis!” it’s pretty god damn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing blue tooth wireless headsets are military field generals and the people that work the day after thanksgiving sale at Old Navy.
7. Quoting Austin Powers/Borat/Old School
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Put on your earmuffs because that woman has a vageen that hangs like sleeve of wizard. Yeah, baby! Those movies are HILARIOUS, thus if you can quote them, by default you're hilarious too!
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: We all enjoy quoting our favorite movies, but let's put these three to bed. Not only did I have every last bit of dialogue to the Borat movie screamed in my face three months before it came out, but let's face it, Austin Powers wasn't funny 10 years ago. And I still have to hear people telling me that "circus folk smell vaguely of cabbage." On top of it, everyone murders the accents. Whenever I hear some asshole in a bar trying doing his version of Borat, somehow he sounds like a tongueless Canadian with a sock in his mouth. This has to stop or I am going to skip the earmuffs and go directly to cutting my ears off.
6. PT Cruiser
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: It’s like a car from back in the thirties! It’s sleek design and throw back look allows everyone tailgating in the parking lot at the Dave Matthews concert know that you’re a free spirit who is all about having good times!
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: If you’ve ever wondered what a gay transformer would turn in to, wonder no more. Not only do they call a retarded amount of attention to themselves on the road, when you drive them you look like a soccer mom whose transporting alcohol during the prohibition era.
5. Tricked Out Bicycles
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: I honestly have no idea.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Instead of looking like some hipper, younger version of a real biker (who actually is cool), you just look like some 8th-grader who blew his allowance on sparklers for his tricycle. With its weirdly-bent handlebars and wacky forks, your "cruiser" looks like the elephant man of bikes. Plus, these things are clearly uncomfortable to ride. I love watching some tattooed douchebag try to look laid back and cool after he had to dislocate both of his shoulders just to reach the handlebars. Not to mention, you could've gotten a friggin' car for what you paid for this piece of crap. Dumbass.
4. Fidel Castro Hats
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Wearing a Fidel Castro hat let’s the world know that you’re different and that you have thoughts and ideas that make you significantly more special and free thinking than those who wear traditional baseball hats.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You know why the Communist Cuba Military can get away with wearing them? Because they carry automatic weapons. You most likely carry a compilation book of Charles Bukowski poems. The tiny bill and camoflauged coloring make you look like a retarded son of a army ranger who had a pair of scissors and access to his father’s closet. I realize you want to tell the world you’re a non-comformist, but unfortunately being a non-conformist means you’re conforming to non-conformism. You might want to ponder that at that next record release party for a band no one’s heard of that you’re pretending to like.
3. Guitar Hero
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! You're gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee!
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you're playing this video game. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn't even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. If I have to hear someone say "I can totally play 'Anarchy in the UK'" but actually mean "I can totally play 'Anarchy in the UK' on Guitar Hero," I am going to take a pee inside the nearest PS3.
2. Longboard Skateboards
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: You’re just a laid back dude who likes to cruise the streets and board walks but still has the credibility shared by those who ride smaller, more dangerous boards.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You’re basically one step away from being the little kid at Costco who jumps on the big grocery cart when his mother isn’t looking. Whereas if a normal skateboarder falls he injures himself, you’re traveling at speeds that allow those walking to pass you, and if you fall, you’ll most likely fall on the board and continue traveling. Hence, you’re basically riding a skateboard designed for those without any coordination or athletic ability. It’d be like playing baseball, except replacing the ball with a giant stuffed animal.
1. Funny Ringtones
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: A ring tone is a great way to give strangers and coworkers a little peek into your personal life and let them know that your grasp of pop culture is vast. You're pretty sure that having a silly quote from Monty Python or the Transformers theme song as your ringtone will make those around you realize that you are a the guy everyone else wants to be. There is definitely more to you than meets the eye.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Having your phone play Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it "ring" 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your taint. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.
Whoever wrote this list is AN ASSHOLE. id like to find him, ram my longboard up his ass and slap him sor ard, he'll go into a coma. LONGBOARDS ARE BUILT FOR SPEED. and if this dumbass knew did any bit of research he would find that falling on a longboard while going at a top speed of oh say 35mph! you will end up with a little more than a scratch. id like to see someone walking even try to pass me up.
Your take on what is cool is out of touch. You know nothing about longboarding. These machines are built for speed, stability, response, traction. Getting your facts straight. Now that is cool. DumbAss
Hahahaha, Nick Mater is a little bit too butt hurt about this. Guess what, long boards are gay! You are just being gay at a higher speed than regular skaters, those guys are being gay at regular skate board speed
hahahaha douche, i bet you have an i-phone with a funny ring tone that people hear while you ride longboard in your fidel castro hat on the way to pick up your "chopper bicycle"
Ya, longboards are the greatest thing ever! Who dare mock the almighty longboard shall burn in an eternal hell fire with VD and midgets. FUCKING 35 MPH bitches! Cant you understand thats almost warp speed! You cant go any faster then that! I will now make idle threats about dismemberment and beatings and comas and whatnot.
ya but hes right about all the other things, he was completely off on what the entire purpose of a longboard is. I dont care what you do on a short board, its pussy shit compared to slaloming cars going 35mph around corners down a hill.
long board might have been cool when they first came out but quickly lost their "coolness" after every fucking kid on every fucknig campus in America got one and rode them around busy campus sidewalks like they were one of the z-boys. it's not cool anymore. a skateboard that hovers with no wheels, now that is cool. A longboard, however, not cool.
Okay, who ever called the dude a faggot should just shut up!
There is NOTHING wrong with gay people. So just shut up. Thats the most offensive thing you could probably call someone.
ha! fag! most longboarders are fuckin posers, and thats it. they dont have the skill or tenacity to learn a trick which involves falling a shitload. my gay faggot homo ass uncle takes stupid shit way too serious. so does this tool, he IS a gay ringtone gay skateboard faggot
mate you know what i fucking hate, AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. We can say whatever we goddamn want here in england, virtually noone gives a crap, its just unfortunate that your country's run by a government, where jews make up more than half of fucking congress. i have nothing on jews, just that they obviously have something on everyone else, and that is why being anti-semetic is worst insult you can give in the US. and why dont we get our rights for not being a jew? isnt it as serious as being anti-semetic when one insults white/ black/ asian people?
and my point is this applies to gay people or "faggots", a word which relates to them. just because we say the word doesnt mean we're making fun of gay people. Its you affirmative action freaks whos making the world a much more complicated place to live in, where minorities and/ or those racially different to your average joe caucasian appear to have very often more rights than white people. just calm it. we respect all people of all backgrounds, cultures, colours, religion, you just dont have to push it in our faces and punish us if we say something that could just about be interpreted as an insult.
i don't normally comment on things like this, but this just got under my skin. you clearly have no idea what affirmative action even is, because it has nothing to do with calling people names (perhaps you've heard of that whole "freedom of speech" thing we've got in our handy dandy constitution?). in fact, most people who actually live in the US don't know what affirmative action is, so i find it rather hilarious that someone from the UK thinks they understand the US government enough to criticize it so confidently. how about you educate yourself before you make ignorant remarks.
secondly, for someone who "has nothing on jews", why do you think its unfortunate that they supposedly make up half of congress? if there's nothing wrong with jewish people, why would you be upset with their involvement in government? but more importantly, there are hardly any jewish people in congress. nearly all prominent american politicians are protestant. a few are catholic, and yes, a few are in fact jewish. i think you are thinking of the idea of hollywood being dominated by jewish directors, producers, etc. you know; hollywood, the united states federal government... they can be easily confused... IF YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
and lastly, people get up in arms about the terms "faggot" and "gay" because its become acceptable to use them as insults, largely among males who are terrified of their own sexuality. calling someone "gay" instead of an asshole, or jerkoff, or any other random insult is damaging to the gay community because it implies that being homosexual is negative and something to be mocked. this may not mean anything to you, because you're obviously stupid beyond comprehension, but its harmful to people in this country who happen to be homosexual and are still struggling for the right to be seen as equal to everyone else.
so in conclusion, go fuck yourself, you anonymous english dumbass.
Um guy above me. u totally just wasted ur time, go have a cry somewhere else that isnt about something that has nothing to do with what the fuck ur on about
ANOTHER THING THAT PEOPLE THINK MAKES THEM COOL ARE CROCS
OMG, people, relax, the list is hilarious. Just cuz ya found yourself in it, and it hurts, you can't dish the list. I will sell my Cuban hat on eBay tomorrow. Hahahahaha!
One thing that compelled me to submit a comment was that I wanted to tell all the people who used the style of the article to insult it's writer that they are not funny or clever. I would have put this in that same form but then I would be in the same category as those I just said weren't funny or clever and I wouldn't want that to happen.
Also, I just felt like people weren't getting pissy about the belt buckle comments enough compared to long boards, guitar hero, and iPhones so I need show belt buckles some love and even things up.
Fuck you man, my belt buckle with a bottle opener is the shit! Its practical AND sexy! I also have a belt that's like a car's seat belt and it ROCKS! I feel safe and secure where ever I go. You don't know anything about belt buckles you homo!
Hey you forgot about people who make cool and uncool lists in blogs, actually i was just reading about 40 comments from people who said that and realized something...you didn't, cause you wrote something that upset and offended enough people to comment pure hatred towards you! That my Holy Taco friend is some cool shit!
Please Add Neopolian Dynamite to the list of unquotable movies. If I have to listen to someone "build her a cake" one more time, Their gettin' a nuckle sammich.
Yeah. Can the whole world please quit trying to be cool or different. Lists like this are sooo right, let's just all be utterly boring, and all 100% the same. Then there's no need anymore to waste time on explaining how unnessecary some people's behaviour is.
(669 Comments)
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May 19th, 2008 at 04:45 am
Whoever wrote this list is AN ASSHOLE. id like to find him, ram my longboard up his ass and slap him sor ard, he'll go into a coma. LONGBOARDS ARE BUILT FOR SPEED. and if this dumbass knew did any bit of research he would find that falling on a longboard while going at a top speed of oh say 35mph! you will end up with a little more than a scratch. id like to see someone walking even try to pass me up.
\
dumbass
June 9th, 2009 at 02:58 pm
awww! it looks like someone's pride got hurt!
why don't you go back to your 12 year old sk8t3r friends?
May 27th, 2009 at 09:06 pm
Your take on what is cool is out of touch. You know nothing about longboarding. These machines are built for speed, stability, response, traction. Getting your facts straight. Now that is cool. DumbAss
May 20th, 2009 at 08:58 am
Hahahaha, Nick Mater is a little bit too butt hurt about this. Guess what, long boards are gay! You are just being gay at a higher speed than regular skaters, those guys are being gay at regular skate board speed
May 5th, 2009 at 04:27 pm
dude... your a HUGE fag
May 3rd, 2009 at 03:13 pm
hahahaha douche, i bet you have an i-phone with a funny ring tone that people hear while you ride longboard in your fidel castro hat on the way to pick up your "chopper bicycle"
May 3rd, 2009 at 03:15 pm
and i also bet your "chopper bicycle" has a "my other ride is a pt cruiser" sticker on it
April 23rd, 2009 at 09:03 am
chill douche.
April 16th, 2009 at 03:43 pm
What a douche.
April 29th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
calm your douche, Douche.
May 27th, 2009 at 08:53 pm
Douche, slow your douche
March 17th, 2009 at 04:23 am
but they still make you look like a tool
March 16th, 2009 at 08:37 am
Ya, longboards are the greatest thing ever! Who dare mock the almighty longboard shall burn in an eternal hell fire with VD and midgets. FUCKING 35 MPH bitches! Cant you understand thats almost warp speed! You cant go any faster then that! I will now make idle threats about dismemberment and beatings and comas and whatnot.
April 29th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
get back to WOW where you belong... douche 2.
May 19th, 2009 at 06:03 pm
that was sarcasm there. read before you reply.
April 30th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Hey! Lay off WoW. That's where all us cool ppl hang.
February 1st, 2009 at 11:44 am
Chill out. I play Guitar Hero every once in a while, and I'd put it on this list too. It's just a cheesy internet post, have some fun with it.
March 21st, 2009 at 10:38 pm
ya but hes right about all the other things, he was completely off on what the entire purpose of a longboard is. I dont care what you do on a short board, its pussy shit compared to slaloming cars going 35mph around corners down a hill.
June 12th, 2009 at 08:16 am
long board might have been cool when they first came out but quickly lost their "coolness" after every fucking kid on every fucknig campus in America got one and rode them around busy campus sidewalks like they were one of the z-boys. it's not cool anymore. a skateboard that hovers with no wheels, now that is cool. A longboard, however, not cool.
Let's recap:
Hovercraft = cool
Longboard = douchey and uncool
October 31st, 2008 at 06:59 am
I'm guessing Nick is a long boarder and has a wacky ring tone
October 30th, 2008 at 02:01 pm
u r weak bitch
October 30th, 2008 at 07:08 am
Nick Mater is a wang! Get a real skateboard, you poser.
October 29th, 2008 at 09:26 pm
Yea, Long Boards are also for faggots.
February 11th, 2009 at 04:32 pm
Okay, who ever called the dude a faggot should just shut up!
There is NOTHING wrong with gay people. So just shut up. Thats the most offensive thing you could probably call someone.
May 12th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
dude you're a fag...
April 23rd, 2009 at 09:04 am
I'm a fag and I love the word faggot and throw it around all of the time. If you use it yourself, you disenfranchise the attack behind it.
Chill. I'm also a honky.
lol
February 14th, 2009 at 05:35 pm
ha! fag! most longboarders are fuckin posers, and thats it. they dont have the skill or tenacity to learn a trick which involves falling a shitload. my gay faggot homo ass uncle takes stupid shit way too serious. so does this tool, he IS a gay ringtone gay skateboard faggot
February 27th, 2009 at 03:23 pm
twat face
February 28th, 2009 at 07:23 am
mate you know what i fucking hate, AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. We can say whatever we goddamn want here in england, virtually noone gives a crap, its just unfortunate that your country's run by a government, where jews make up more than half of fucking congress. i have nothing on jews, just that they obviously have something on everyone else, and that is why being anti-semetic is worst insult you can give in the US. and why dont we get our rights for not being a jew? isnt it as serious as being anti-semetic when one insults white/ black/ asian people?
and my point is this applies to gay people or "faggots", a word which relates to them. just because we say the word doesnt mean we're making fun of gay people. Its you affirmative action freaks whos making the world a much more complicated place to live in, where minorities and/ or those racially different to your average joe caucasian appear to have very often more rights than white people. just calm it. we respect all people of all backgrounds, cultures, colours, religion, you just dont have to push it in our faces and punish us if we say something that could just about be interpreted as an insult.
March 19th, 2009 at 08:59 pm
i don't normally comment on things like this, but this just got under my skin. you clearly have no idea what affirmative action even is, because it has nothing to do with calling people names (perhaps you've heard of that whole "freedom of speech" thing we've got in our handy dandy constitution?). in fact, most people who actually live in the US don't know what affirmative action is, so i find it rather hilarious that someone from the UK thinks they understand the US government enough to criticize it so confidently. how about you educate yourself before you make ignorant remarks.
secondly, for someone who "has nothing on jews", why do you think its unfortunate that they supposedly make up half of congress? if there's nothing wrong with jewish people, why would you be upset with their involvement in government? but more importantly, there are hardly any jewish people in congress. nearly all prominent american politicians are protestant. a few are catholic, and yes, a few are in fact jewish. i think you are thinking of the idea of hollywood being dominated by jewish directors, producers, etc. you know; hollywood, the united states federal government... they can be easily confused... IF YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
and lastly, people get up in arms about the terms "faggot" and "gay" because its become acceptable to use them as insults, largely among males who are terrified of their own sexuality. calling someone "gay" instead of an asshole, or jerkoff, or any other random insult is damaging to the gay community because it implies that being homosexual is negative and something to be mocked. this may not mean anything to you, because you're obviously stupid beyond comprehension, but its harmful to people in this country who happen to be homosexual and are still struggling for the right to be seen as equal to everyone else.
so in conclusion, go fuck yourself, you anonymous english dumbass.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
oh my. OWNED.
May 20th, 2009 at 02:26 pm
speaking of queers...nice response.
March 25th, 2009 at 06:56 am
i dont understand y u wrote an essay 4 an internet post its not a big deal
March 2nd, 2009 at 12:31 am
Um guy above me. u totally just wasted ur time, go have a cry somewhere else that isnt about something that has nothing to do with what the fuck ur on about
ANOTHER THING THAT PEOPLE THINK MAKES THEM COOL ARE CROCS
GOD I HATE CROCS
March 19th, 2009 at 02:22 am
i agree! crocs are hideous! i was expecting that id see crocs on this list.. it's pathetic that it even costs too much! *barf* *barf* *barf*
June 12th, 2009 at 08:19 am
FUCK CROCS!!!
May 19th, 2008 at 03:21 am
Hilarous!
But i like longboards. Nice way to travel if you suck a skateboarding XD
May 19th, 2008 at 01:14 am
OMG, people, relax, the list is hilarious. Just cuz ya found yourself in it, and it hurts, you can't dish the list. I will sell my Cuban hat on eBay tomorrow. Hahahahaha!
May 18th, 2008 at 08:57 pm
That was Retarded!!! Who ever wrote this may think they're cool, but they're not.
February 1st, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Read the disclaimer at the top.
May 18th, 2008 at 07:32 pm
One thing that compelled me to submit a comment was that I wanted to tell all the people who used the style of the article to insult it's writer that they are not funny or clever. I would have put this in that same form but then I would be in the same category as those I just said weren't funny or clever and I wouldn't want that to happen.
Also, I just felt like people weren't getting pissy about the belt buckle comments enough compared to long boards, guitar hero, and iPhones so I need show belt buckles some love and even things up.
Fuck you man, my belt buckle with a bottle opener is the shit! Its practical AND sexy! I also have a belt that's like a car's seat belt and it ROCKS! I feel safe and secure where ever I go. You don't know anything about belt buckles you homo!
January 4th, 2009 at 09:49 pm
That is awesome.
March 11th, 2009 at 01:33 pm
yup
May 18th, 2008 at 06:13 pm
I just think it's cute that jacob's picture is up there.
Fun shorts jake!
May 18th, 2008 at 05:42 pm
Hey you forgot about people who make cool and uncool lists in blogs, actually i was just reading about 40 comments from people who said that and realized something...you didn't, cause you wrote something that upset and offended enough people to comment pure hatred towards you! That my Holy Taco friend is some cool shit!
May 18th, 2008 at 05:32 pm
Please Add Neopolian Dynamite to the list of unquotable movies. If I have to listen to someone "build her a cake" one more time, Their gettin' a nuckle sammich.
May 18th, 2008 at 04:38 pm
Yeah. Can the whole world please quit trying to be cool or different. Lists like this are sooo right, let's just all be utterly boring, and all 100% the same. Then there's no need anymore to waste time on explaining how unnessecary some people's behaviour is.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Lets not forget most of the douche bags on here with uncool - not to mention stupid web names.
May 18th, 2008 at 05:48 am
You forgot douche bags who pop their collar. I think that shit is so stupid. I'd rather wear a business suit.
May 18th, 2008 at 05:46 am
Sales Reps at the Airport...taking golf swings while on the phone..... and guys at the gym grunting to get a big lift.... have my vote to be killed..