Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We're not saying we're cool, we're just saying if you own any of these items, you're not.
10. iPhone
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on your phone. Because really, normal people around you are so f*&king boring you can hardly bear actually interacting with them.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: I’ve done some research and iPhone is actually a Japanese word that means “something that’s not able to be put in a pocket and instead must be carried in your hand at all times or set on the table in front of you so that any one around you can see it.” This may sound shocking, but when someone remarks how hot it is, they’re not asking you to look up the temperature in both farenheit and celcius, or show them a clip on a 3 inch screen from "An Inconvenient Truth" in an effort to relate this heat to global warming.
9.Ironic Belt Buckles
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Now you can show up in bars and point at your belt buckle and tell people that you are a "Rodeo Champion" or a "Pac Man" or a "Truck Driver" or a "Jack Daniels." And while they will know that you are actually none of these things, you think you're being playful and a little bit mysterious. You also think this tactic will help you pick up women.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You're the same person who has ironic facial hair (mustache), drinks ironic beer (PBR) and wears ironic T-shirts (Lucky Charms). You spend your entire life trying to look as shitty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you over $60,000. In four years you will be a Republican living in the suburbs and complaining about your 401k over wine spritzers at dinner parties.
8. Blue Tooth Headset
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they’re only driving the speed limit. It’s Tuesday, doesn’t this asshole know you have your jujitsu class at 24 hour fitness to go to?
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: I don’t give a shit if you’re talking to someone on the other end, when you’re in a Subway Sandwiches and they’re trying to take your order while you say “Listen, you give me that paperwork for the Johnson account by tomorrow or it’s your ass. No mayo. I said no Mayo! Yeah, that’s right, Johnson account on my desk! No pepperoncinis!” it’s pretty god damn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing blue tooth wireless headsets are military field generals and the people that work the day after thanksgiving sale at Old Navy.
7. Quoting Austin Powers/Borat/Old School
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Put on your earmuffs because that woman has a vageen that hangs like sleeve of wizard. Yeah, baby! Those movies are HILARIOUS, thus if you can quote them, by default you're hilarious too!
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: We all enjoy quoting our favorite movies, but let's put these three to bed. Not only did I have every last bit of dialogue to the Borat movie screamed in my face three months before it came out, but let's face it, Austin Powers wasn't funny 10 years ago. And I still have to hear people telling me that "circus folk smell vaguely of cabbage." On top of it, everyone murders the accents. Whenever I hear some asshole in a bar trying doing his version of Borat, somehow he sounds like a tongueless Canadian with a sock in his mouth. This has to stop or I am going to skip the earmuffs and go directly to cutting my ears off.
6. PT Cruiser
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: It’s like a car from back in the thirties! It’s sleek design and throw back look allows everyone tailgating in the parking lot at the Dave Matthews concert know that you’re a free spirit who is all about having good times!
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: If you’ve ever wondered what a gay transformer would turn in to, wonder no more. Not only do they call a retarded amount of attention to themselves on the road, when you drive them you look like a soccer mom whose transporting alcohol during the prohibition era.
5. Tricked Out Bicycles
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: I honestly have no idea.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Instead of looking like some hipper, younger version of a real biker (who actually is cool), you just look like some 8th-grader who blew his allowance on sparklers for his tricycle. With its weirdly-bent handlebars and wacky forks, your "cruiser" looks like the elephant man of bikes. Plus, these things are clearly uncomfortable to ride. I love watching some tattooed douchebag try to look laid back and cool after he had to dislocate both of his shoulders just to reach the handlebars. Not to mention, you could've gotten a friggin' car for what you paid for this piece of crap. Dumbass.
4. Fidel Castro Hats
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Wearing a Fidel Castro hat let’s the world know that you’re different and that you have thoughts and ideas that make you significantly more special and free thinking than those who wear traditional baseball hats.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You know why the Communist Cuba Military can get away with wearing them? Because they carry automatic weapons. You most likely carry a compilation book of Charles Bukowski poems. The tiny bill and camoflauged coloring make you look like a retarded son of a army ranger who had a pair of scissors and access to his father’s closet. I realize you want to tell the world you’re a non-comformist, but unfortunately being a non-conformist means you’re conforming to non-conformism. You might want to ponder that at that next record release party for a band no one’s heard of that you’re pretending to like.
3. Guitar Hero
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! You're gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee!
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you're playing this video game. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn't even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. If I have to hear someone say "I can totally play 'Anarchy in the UK'" but actually mean "I can totally play 'Anarchy in the UK' on Guitar Hero," I am going to take a pee inside the nearest PS3.
2. Longboard Skateboards
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: You’re just a laid back dude who likes to cruise the streets and board walks but still has the credibility shared by those who ride smaller, more dangerous boards.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: You’re basically one step away from being the little kid at Costco who jumps on the big grocery cart when his mother isn’t looking. Whereas if a normal skateboarder falls he injures himself, you’re traveling at speeds that allow those walking to pass you, and if you fall, you’ll most likely fall on the board and continue traveling. Hence, you’re basically riding a skateboard designed for those without any coordination or athletic ability. It’d be like playing baseball, except replacing the ball with a giant stuffed animal.
1. Funny Ringtones
WHY YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL: A ring tone is a great way to give strangers and coworkers a little peek into your personal life and let them know that your grasp of pop culture is vast. You're pretty sure that having a silly quote from Monty Python or the Transformers theme song as your ringtone will make those around you realize that you are a the guy everyone else wants to be. There is definitely more to you than meets the eye.
WHY YOU'RE NOT COOL: Having your phone play Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it "ring" 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your taint. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.
Christ. People, in general, are all a bunch of pretentious judgemental bastards. at any rate, the list is still funny and even more funny is that everyone on here's all worked up.
wow, i had no idea there was anything called a longboard before.
it's called ten items you think make you cool. if you don't like the idea of people judging others because they have a mind of their own, then maybe you shouldn't click the link, read it, comment, blog and tell all your movie-quoting friends how much of a douche you think this guy is.
i tried to read all the comments, but I can't; it takes too long. shows how cool the author is, everyone on this side of the prime meridian read and commented this.
love the blog/site/page i go to get a laugh. looks like you've got the bastards rolling again. also, i relish the assholes who contradict each other. keep it up you bunch of geeky dipshits!
What isn't cool-
People thinking they have to defend things in their life because of list some guy writes as if he's the authority on what is cool. Also known as being high strung - taking yourself to seriously, and caring about what a site called "holy taco" believes.
What also isn't cool-
Unoriginal ideas - like this list being a rip off of, and not nearly as funny as http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
The long-boards one is very dear to me. I happen to think they automatically make you look like a douche. Take a closer look next time you see someone on one. Fucking douche, I'll bet.
10 and 8 is me, but I've grown accustomed to my lack of cool. It's part of my charm really.
Has anyone here that said "crocs" should be on the list, actually ever WORE them?
They may be ugly, but damn it, they're comfortable pieces of rubber and well worth the 5 bucks. So... hush.
omfg that is not funny. i have done some of the things on the list and will therefore leave an angry, but witty and original* comment (following the 'what is cool/what isn't cool' format) to the author detailing how butthurt i am that he doesn't like the things that i like. just wait till my myspace friends hear about this. then you'll be sorry.
A rather smart way to flush out all the "uncool" people, list things they own, say they are uncool,because we ALL know one persons view is shared by the entire world, then gather the "uncool" peoples names,emails and websites by allowing them to post their angry responses, while the rest of us point and laugh... brilliant plan.. hehehehhe all in good fun loosen up
I turned around in a bar one night to the sound of a blood curdling scream of a small infant being beaten. But in fact it was some rather fierce biker type fellow letting his mobile phone ring and ring so everyone in the bar could hear his amusing ringtone. I think he, was enjoying it.
Some people are just great.
Totally agree with this list, especially long boarders, it just pisses me off when I see one on campus. Learn to skateboard dammit!
Anyways I don't have any of these on the list yet, but I'm thinking of getting the iphone when 3g comes out. Not because I think it'll make me cool, but so I won't get lost =/ when I'm out on the road but maybe I should hold off. We'll see.
You should chill out. Getting pissed about something like that is really weak man :/
Like, I don't get pissed about anything on this list because none of it affects me at all. Don't get uppity about someone's choice of transportation or phone or whatever.
All of you guys here are really big whiners. Seriously, enjoy life please.
This is hilarious. Almost all the people who have issues with this, have no ability to use proper spelling and grammar... this speaks heavily as to the type of person who gets their panties in a knot over this.
Cell phones propelled the average person's ability to be an asshole in public to heights never imagined. The Blue Tooth (tm) provides the additional benefit of looking like a total idiot at the same time, including everyone from the mall-shopping Emo to the six-figure executive walking from high-rise office to the gym.
By the way, anyone who wears a Blue Tooth without being on a call needs to be killed. Wearing one of those things while talking to someone in front of you is the same as saying: "I'm listening you, sure, but someone more important might call at any moment. You got that, loser?"
My addendum would be to people who spend a hour on their hair to make it look as messy as possible. Its like taking an hour shower to spray piss scented cologne.
How about those pseudo-cool asshats who drag out their cellphones in movies and check their email or whatever every five minutes. They get to flash everyone in their row, and every row behind them, with the light of their phone screen, distracting everybody so they can find out if their retarded friends sent them a text message in the last 5 minutes. "Look, I can check my email in the theatre! I mean, like, ohmigod, I'm sew koool!"
And for cool-but-not-cool, nothing beats Trucknutz or BumperNuts, those plastic bull testicles that guys hang from the bumper hitch of their pickups.
Why you think you're cool: You think people who see them will associate those huge blue plastic testicles on your truck bumper with your own massive, manly pair.
Why you're not cool: First, bright blue bull testicles hanging off your truck bumper might be funny, but only the first time you see them. After that, they start to get mildly offensive, and finally they just seem pathetic and annoying. Plus, probably nobody who sees them is going to think you're equally well endowed, or if they do, they're going to find the idea more than a little repulsive. The few exceptions will be those creepy, desperate bar-hanging scags of one gender or the other, in which case, you'll deserve each other.
People who write BLOGS are not COOL as much as they THINK they are.
Why you think you're cool: Because you feel like you have a voice, that people will actually listen to you. That you are somebody, somebody with power and influence. You want to share your stories. That you are WEB 2.0
Why you're not cool: BECAUSE YOU ARE A NOBODY! You sit at a computer for inspiration and you've lost touch with the importance of life, LIVING.
How DARE you make fun of Guitar Hero! Guitar Hero is awesome! Come talk to me when you can shred through Evenflow on level 10 without ever touching the big red button when you're supposed to touch the big blue button! I heard Guitar Hero 3 is going to have Enter Sandman! I wanna see all these losers talk their crap then!
truthfully i was'nt aware of the "fidel castro" hat non-conformity thing - i did'nt even know they were being called "castro" hats - i bought one because I never find ball caps that fit my head properly (= anyhow i like them - much nicer fit .
No one has ever claimed that playing guitar hero actually grants the ability to play real guitar, it's simply a fun game, just like every other game out there. The only people that say things like this are people who don't play the games themselves, just like the people who think playing a FPS will turn you into a mass murderer (quite the opposite)
I love your whole list except for the _____________. I do/own this and therefore it should be removed because I agree with the other nine things. I still want to be considered cool so if you continue to think ________ is uncool I will in turn decide that you are uncool and call you a douche/loser/lame ass. I am sure you now regret writing this article because hundreds of us took the time to read, think and respond, convincing you that you are wrong in your cool assessment and you must retract #__ from your list.
Also...I have never noticed longboards or even thought about them but after reading the comments I suddenly feel compelled to make fun of the people who ride them.
(689 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 28th, 2008 at 08:06 pm
RE: Skateboards
Oi Fuck Face Dick Kennedy.
Does that mean I failed at life and I have had no sex...
You have no idea Dick wad....
May 29th, 2008 at 03:21 pm
Im Batman.
May 29th, 2008 at 03:21 pm
Whatever you do dont click my name.
May 29th, 2008 at 06:44 pm
haha, oh please.
Christ. People, in general, are all a bunch of pretentious judgemental bastards. at any rate, the list is still funny and even more funny is that everyone on here's all worked up.
Bahaha, Fail.
May 30th, 2008 at 09:19 pm
I found the comments to be almost as amusing as the list!
#6 was my favorite & I actually like PT Cruisers.
When I was a kid, some one walking around talking to himself was considered crazy. Now he (or she) is usually just a looser using a bluetooth headset.
May 30th, 2008 at 09:24 pm
wow, i had no idea there was anything called a longboard before.
it's called ten items you think make you cool. if you don't like the idea of people judging others because they have a mind of their own, then maybe you shouldn't click the link, read it, comment, blog and tell all your movie-quoting friends how much of a douche you think this guy is.
i tried to read all the comments, but I can't; it takes too long. shows how cool the author is, everyone on this side of the prime meridian read and commented this.
i love you!
aerylE
May 30th, 2008 at 09:26 pm
i like DSKZ's entry. how long did it take you to put together something like that to prove some point that probably only i saw?
May 30th, 2008 at 09:28 pm
Thanks for taking it down.
Peace!
May 30th, 2008 at 09:50 pm
This is not funny
learn to be funny, then try again
May 30th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
love the blog/site/page i go to get a laugh. looks like you've got the bastards rolling again. also, i relish the assholes who contradict each other. keep it up you bunch of geeky dipshits!
May 30th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
What isn't cool-
People thinking they have to defend things in their life because of list some guy writes as if he's the authority on what is cool. Also known as being high strung - taking yourself to seriously, and caring about what a site called "holy taco" believes.
What also isn't cool-
Unoriginal ideas - like this list being a rip off of, and not nearly as funny as http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
May 31st, 2008 at 12:51 am
The long-boards one is very dear to me. I happen to think they automatically make you look like a douche. Take a closer look next time you see someone on one. Fucking douche, I'll bet.
10 and 8 is me, but I've grown accustomed to my lack of cool. It's part of my charm really.
May 31st, 2008 at 09:31 am
I like reading lists like this, but only when they're done well. I didn't even smile once.
Learn what "irony" means. I'll also bet you've never read a single Bukowski poem, you illiterate douchecanoe.
May 31st, 2008 at 04:28 pm
Yeah, I still can't really believe anyone who doesn't know how to use an apostrophe.
June 1st, 2008 at 05:54 am
Get over yourself. Really. You know why you're uncool? Because you think your judgemental shitty attitude is worth something.
June 3rd, 2008 at 05:45 am
You forgot the people who pl out of parking lots and the people who say what you forgot
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Has anyone here that said "crocs" should be on the list, actually ever WORE them?
They may be ugly, but damn it, they're comfortable pieces of rubber and well worth the 5 bucks. So... hush.
June 4th, 2008 at 05:57 pm
hummer should have been a given
June 5th, 2008 at 02:39 am
Good list.
Disagree with the longboarding, I think you should try it.
June 5th, 2008 at 07:13 am
omfg that is not funny. i have done some of the things on the list and will therefore leave an angry, but witty and original* comment (following the 'what is cool/what isn't cool' format) to the author detailing how butthurt i am that he doesn't like the things that i like. just wait till my myspace friends hear about this. then you'll be sorry.
no it's not.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:24 pm
This is like a crappier version of Cracked Magazine.
That "10k for MDA" shirt is classic, though.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:25 pm
longboarding is awesome!
hop on one and try before coming to conclusions...
alot of boarders now go 100+km/hr
May 14th, 2008 at 03:26 pm
have you included making top ten lists as an appropriate item for your top ten list?
May 14th, 2008 at 03:33 pm
I love you.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:37 pm
I find it rather funny...
A rather smart way to flush out all the "uncool" people, list things they own, say they are uncool,because we ALL know one persons view is shared by the entire world, then gather the "uncool" peoples names,emails and websites by allowing them to post their angry responses, while the rest of us point and laugh... brilliant plan.. hehehehhe all in good fun loosen up
May 14th, 2008 at 03:39 pm
I turned around in a bar one night to the sound of a blood curdling scream of a small infant being beaten. But in fact it was some rather fierce biker type fellow letting his mobile phone ring and ring so everyone in the bar could hear his amusing ringtone. I think he, was enjoying it.
Some people are just great.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:40 pm
Totally agree with this list, especially long boarders, it just pisses me off when I see one on campus. Learn to skateboard dammit!
Anyways I don't have any of these on the list yet, but I'm thinking of getting the iphone when 3g comes out. Not because I think it'll make me cool, but so I won't get lost =/ when I'm out on the road but maybe I should hold off. We'll see.
April 21st, 2009 at 09:29 am
You should chill out. Getting pissed about something like that is really weak man :/
Like, I don't get pissed about anything on this list because none of it affects me at all. Don't get uppity about someone's choice of transportation or phone or whatever.
All of you guys here are really big whiners. Seriously, enjoy life please.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:46 pm
How about an article entitled '10 things that aren't perceived as cool but actually are'?
May 14th, 2008 at 03:50 pm
This is hilarious. Almost all the people who have issues with this, have no ability to use proper spelling and grammar... this speaks heavily as to the type of person who gets their panties in a knot over this.
Groove on, you crazy wankers.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:53 pm
The only reason the iphone guy is uncool: He's talking into the earpiece!
Otherwise it's far and above the best phone I've owned.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:54 pm
Cell phones propelled the average person's ability to be an asshole in public to heights never imagined. The Blue Tooth (tm) provides the additional benefit of looking like a total idiot at the same time, including everyone from the mall-shopping Emo to the six-figure executive walking from high-rise office to the gym.
By the way, anyone who wears a Blue Tooth without being on a call needs to be killed. Wearing one of those things while talking to someone in front of you is the same as saying: "I'm listening you, sure, but someone more important might call at any moment. You got that, loser?"
May 14th, 2008 at 03:57 pm
well i know where NOT to come to read online.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:57 pm
My addendum would be to people who spend a hour on their hair to make it look as messy as possible. Its like taking an hour shower to spray piss scented cologne.
May 14th, 2008 at 03:59 pm
The more you get offended by this list, the more of a douchebag you are.
May 14th, 2008 at 04:00 pm
How about those pseudo-cool asshats who drag out their cellphones in movies and check their email or whatever every five minutes. They get to flash everyone in their row, and every row behind them, with the light of their phone screen, distracting everybody so they can find out if their retarded friends sent them a text message in the last 5 minutes. "Look, I can check my email in the theatre! I mean, like, ohmigod, I'm sew koool!"
And for cool-but-not-cool, nothing beats Trucknutz or BumperNuts, those plastic bull testicles that guys hang from the bumper hitch of their pickups.
Why you think you're cool: You think people who see them will associate those huge blue plastic testicles on your truck bumper with your own massive, manly pair.
Why you're not cool: First, bright blue bull testicles hanging off your truck bumper might be funny, but only the first time you see them. After that, they start to get mildly offensive, and finally they just seem pathetic and annoying. Plus, probably nobody who sees them is going to think you're equally well endowed, or if they do, they're going to find the idea more than a little repulsive. The few exceptions will be those creepy, desperate bar-hanging scags of one gender or the other, in which case, you'll deserve each other.
May 14th, 2008 at 04:06 pm
This is list is whack!
You forgot the most important one.
People who write BLOGS are not COOL as much as they THINK they are.
Why you think you're cool: Because you feel like you have a voice, that people will actually listen to you. That you are somebody, somebody with power and influence. You want to share your stories. That you are WEB 2.0
Why you're not cool: BECAUSE YOU ARE A NOBODY! You sit at a computer for inspiration and you've lost touch with the importance of life, LIVING.
May 14th, 2008 at 04:10 pm
The Longboard one is gold. There should be something in there about hair gel and silk shirts.
May 14th, 2008 at 04:11 pm
What's wrong with Bukowski you illiterate fuck?
May 14th, 2008 at 04:13 pm
The iphone screen goes black when place near your ear. that photo is FIXED!! har har
May 14th, 2008 at 04:16 pm
You know, playing this doesn't make you cool like a real guitarist.
Guys?
Didn't you hear me?
Stop having fun!
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rock_band.png
May 14th, 2008 at 04:21 pm
How DARE you make fun of Guitar Hero! Guitar Hero is awesome! Come talk to me when you can shred through Evenflow on level 10 without ever touching the big red button when you're supposed to touch the big blue button! I heard Guitar Hero 3 is going to have Enter Sandman! I wanna see all these losers talk their crap then!
May 14th, 2008 at 04:24 pm
THANK YOU BLOG POST, YOU'RE ICONOCLASM IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL. VOTE RON PAUL 2012.
May 14th, 2008 at 04:25 pm
Wow, "Gay Transformer" comment on #6 is comedic genius. Well done.
May 14th, 2008 at 04:31 pm
To all those people complain about this list, isnt complaining about the list being made just as bad as making the list itself
its the internet, if you dont like the article stop reading it. Your WORSE then the author who your trying to make look bad.
not so hard is it
June 6th, 2008 at 03:08 am
This article would be AWESOME if it was funny!
June 7th, 2008 at 12:16 am
truthfully i was'nt aware of the "fidel castro" hat non-conformity thing - i did'nt even know they were being called "castro" hats - i bought one because I never find ball caps that fit my head properly (= anyhow i like them - much nicer fit .
June 7th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
No one has ever claimed that playing guitar hero actually grants the ability to play real guitar, it's simply a fun game, just like every other game out there. The only people that say things like this are people who don't play the games themselves, just like the people who think playing a FPS will turn you into a mass murderer (quite the opposite)
June 8th, 2008 at 05:50 pm
Amen, thats a great list.
I would have replaced the long board one with Crocs.
June 8th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
I love your whole list except for the _____________. I do/own this and therefore it should be removed because I agree with the other nine things. I still want to be considered cool so if you continue to think ________ is uncool I will in turn decide that you are uncool and call you a douche/loser/lame ass. I am sure you now regret writing this article because hundreds of us took the time to read, think and respond, convincing you that you are wrong in your cool assessment and you must retract #__ from your list.
Also...I have never noticed longboards or even thought about them but after reading the comments I suddenly feel compelled to make fun of the people who ride them.
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