Here are 8 types of people you'll find inside a Starbucks that are guaranteed to annoy the shit out of you.
8. Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large
I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I'm speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance there’s a sizeable amount of shit in them due to your inability to grasp the concept of wiping your asshole after defecating.
7. Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office
Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. "Yeah, I'm gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot...and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?" And he knows if one of these orders is screwed up, it's going to cost him a chance at the a full-time gig as assistant editor where he can bring coffee to even more important people. So instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You're better off flying to Colombia, slitting Juan Valdez's throat and stealing his coffee-harvesting burro.
6. The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer
Being a writer is a pretty cool occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. And having to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their iMac, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text (or clear screenplay format for those in Los Angeles). Their next step is to make sure they're facing away from where everyone goes to pick up their drinks while staring at the screen while remembering to take deep breaths which will indicate to others that deep and creative thought that normal minds are not capable of, is taking place. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people, it’s important you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!
5. Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker
At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn't have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But since they don't pay shit, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin' dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your overpriced chai in peace, you have to deal with: "Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we're having isn't it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn't that be nice? It's sooooo sunny! And what's better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Anyway, I'll get this chai order right up for you. What's your name? Terry? That's my cousin's name! Small world. Yes. It. Is. Small world indeed....Hi! And how are you doing today?!?!"
4. Complicated Order Guy Who Needs his Coffee Right The F*&K Now.
When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam" and then stand in front of the pick up window and pace like one of Michael Vick’s pitbulls watching Vick pull out the rape stand after losing a fight, you just grab a glass of god damn water and drink that. Last I checked that won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety... unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana.
3. The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day
Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world's biggest bore and the world's biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-shithead. He won't shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they're taking over the world and how their coffee totally "doesn't taste like the gourmet stuff downtown." But when you bring up the fact that he's ranting about Starbucks while he's actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. "Well, here's the thing, I just didn't have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? Yeah, it's one of the last mom and pop coffee shops in the area. I toooootally love that place. It's so real. I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I mean, the rich get richer, right? That's the law of the land. I totally can't stand that I have to come here, but that's what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you. They're everywhere. Can you hand me one of those Splenda?"
2. Study Groups
Hey, screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to go to an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every fucking thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over a frappucino being made. If you could, would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.
1. The Person Who Peruses the DVD Section As If They Might Purchase.
It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase the “Pursuit of Happyness” DVD. “Gee what’s this movie Pursuit of Happyness about? I didn’t hear of it last summer when it grossed over 100 million dollars. Even though I’ve come here for coffee, I should carefully peruse the back cover to find out more about it!” Also, please don't pick up a copy of “Akeelah and the Bee” as if you were going to buy it. No one buys that movie. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not even a real movie, it was just a box cover created by a group of white Starbucks executives so that customers could hold it in their hands and pretend to read the back, giving the impression to those around them that they’re progressive thinkers who seek out and enjoy films with African American casts.
English Major Says:
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:29 am
WOW people. Learn to fucking type properly before posting a comment. Oh and John - """""""""obviouslly""""""""""" homeschooling isn’t working out so well. I guess mommy and daddy don’t have high school diplomas either!! Go back to fucking public school - you will most definitely get a better education.
Well this is fun, if you can get past the grammar (which everyone sees so fit to correct). I liked it--it amused me, especially since I used to be that writer guy. But a word of advice to everyone, jsut enjoy the joke. There's no need to be snobby, condescending, and a dick; no one likes a dick.
Mostly....going to StarBucks....would be buying fresh brewed cup coffee. Number 4 gets my vote. Mostly.... "FlashyFag's" killing my appetite Bluetoothing in their latest ankle grabbing fest at the top of their lungs.
there really are some sad people in the world. who the hell cares whether they wrote 'imac' or 'macbook'. you people obviously have too much time on your hands to complain about these things. really, get over yourselves. wow look at me, i can be so critical. and with spelling to. who honestly cares? has your life been ruined by bad grammer and spelling? get out more. remove yourself from your computer and step outside of your warhammer-postered bedroom and get a life.
Hey Volker who gives a flying hamster dick if he called it an iMac. OH no! He used the wrong product name. The point is, the same douche bag that sits in a Starbucks trying to make sure everyone sees "look at me IM A WRITER!!!" is the same dickhole that buys into the trendy iMac, macbook iPod ipieceoffuckingshit i-put-i-on-everything-scam-to-make-it-sell-for-more-money-even-though-it's-a-piece-of-shit
. FANBOY!
Oh and John, if you weren't home schooled you might actually be able to deal with insults a little better. You see you learn other things in public school other than book smarts.
Why did this turn into an internet-user, website-reader bash? I thought we all agreed that it was the Starbucks customers/corporate office that we hated. Let's all take a step back and realize that we're united in our hatred for mass consumerism. It doesn't matter if you called it an iMac or an iBook or whether you have a GED or a diploma; the bounds of hatred should extend far behind the mundane product names. STARBUCKS is the enemy here, folks.
P.S. - I know someone's gonna call me a hippie tree hugger or a homo crisis counselor or something else that they saw in a movie or read in a Chuck Klosterman book, but that's okay.
I just go into esquires or starshmucks ... doesn't matter, order a caramel machiato thingy with an extra shot (exact terms)
I use whatever term the coffee shop is using for the large one. It's not hard to read the board and find out what they are calling them. Sometimes I order a 'large' to piss them off. Most places around here can make the large to venti/ampio conversions for me though.
We have lots of people with the bloody mac's .... but they aren't writers. they are a far worse brand of .... creature. They are those people who think they are cool because they have a mac. I cracked up laughing when i guy brought in an Asus eeepc .... like 1/4 the size of an imac. Should have seen the mac users face.
It'd be nice if an extra shot meant rum not espresso, you need it after dealing with their customers.
One more type: the stay-at-home mom with the double-wide stroller and 3 kids that needs to get her Starbucks between the hours of 7:45-8:45am when everyone else is in a hurry to get to work.
My Fiancée works at Starbucks so I here about these exact people all the time. On fact she falls into the category of #5. It’s actually pretty funny to watch her when she is working and see some of the reactions of people. Most people laugh but t hen you get the grumpy people like #4 and they hate it, so she just lays it on thicker to mess with them. It’s great. Here are a few more no one mentioned.
Frist one to mention is the junior high and high school girls who dress like they are hookers or something. We call them the prost-a-tots. They are real annoying and snobby and order frappuccinos like they are going out of style.
There are also the really over weight people who order large "venti" drinks that are the fattiest on the menu and ask for extra caramel and extra whip cream.
Then you got the Church groups on Sunday afternoons. They come in and guilt trips everyone there because they didn't go to church and they like to talk about how great they are because they did.
Oh and lets not forget the gypsies. No matter if you work at Starbucks or a restaurant you get these assholes. They are loud obnoxious and are bad tippers.
And of course the tweakers who will order waters and soon as you are not looking steal the tip jar and run.
Your quite the pessimist, but I see where you are coming from. I suggest going to Tim Horton's as to eleviate your frustration with the current Starbucks trend. Problem solve. Starbucks coffee is shit anyways.
It's "you're", douchebag. And "grammar". And "posts". If you don't go to college, you're an idiot, and a failure at life. Don't give me examples; 10 successful non-college graduates do not account for nor do they override the hundreds of thousands of other dumbasses that didn't go to college and failed miserably at life. And honestly, who the fuck cares if Macs or PCs are better? They're used for many different things, and though I must say Windows Vista has more flaws than Paris Hilton, both operating systems have their ups and downs.
I bet you'd blow the order takers mind if you were give them the size in fluid ounces.
Imagine:
"Yeah, I take a coffee. No, just a regular coffee. Could you put it in a 20 oz cup for me, please? And fill it up -- 20 oz of coffee in that 20 oz cup, thank you very much."
Hey Volker who gives a flying hamster dick if he called it an iMac. OH no! He used the wrong product name. The point is, the same douche bag that sits in a Starbucks trying to make sure everyone sees “look at me IM A WRITER!!!” is the same dickhole that buys into the trendy iMac, macbook iPod ipieceoffuckingshit i-put-i-on-everything-scam-to-make-it-sell-for-more-money-even-though-it’s-a-piece-of-shit
. FANBOY!
LOL!! man. I own a Mac and a PC and Linux box. Im a fan of all.
And just to clarify, if someone told you to look for WMD's would you look for kool-aid instead? lol.
Alright, I don't to starbucks.. because i am only 13, BUT i was looking for this thing on youtube, and up popped this webpage.. I clicked on it, and here was this amazingly true shit about starbucks. the one that made me laugh the most, was the one about the crazy greeter.. because i can do it perfectly (: hehe
Starbucks, to me, is a special occasion place to visit. If I am on the road, I'll hit the drive-through, or if I have some extra money and want to splurge. Normally I hit the local stand and I prefer their coffee (as opposed to a specialty drink, like Mocha or Chai) and it's still less than $2, even in these times. This list is funny as hell, though.
You forgot one of the most visible and ridiculous cliches: a Starbucks directly across the street from another Starbucks. there was such an example in Houston, but one of them probably closed since I last went there (Starbucks closed a bunch of stores last year).
I'm South African and worked in a Starbucks for two winter seasons in a ski resort in colorado and this is so spot on! First of all I couldn't believe how obsessed ppl are with Starbucks. I mean waiting in a line for 30minutes on Christmas day just for a cup of coffee...it's crazy!! and then all the different "customisations" of your coffee, what ever happened to just a cup of drip?
My favourite person is the one that stands staring at you while you make your 500th grande, non-fat half vanilla half sugar free almond latte with extra whip cream and 2 sweet and lows and every time u cap a drink they say "is that mine?" like i would know if it's yours...do i know your name?...did i take your order? no!
You forgot the ad hoc AA meetings with people in recovery reading aloud from the Big Book workin on their Steps. It's nice to see addiction being replaced by another addiction.
This had me laughing so hard!!
8, 6, 4, and 3 make up 60% of my local Starbucks.
Honestly, I am a teenage girl who goes to Starbucks with three friends, but don't hate me!!! keep reading:
First of all, we always have cash in our pockets and order cookies and hot chocolate, but I do know the types people are complaining about-I live in that sort of town. The ones who have been ordering ventiwhatevers since they were 6 and always use up the armchairs because they just have to on their boyfriend's laps and they're always shrieking at annoying pitches. They also stay for twenty minutes after finishing, all the while their moms wait outside in their SUV's. Hey, we have a high school of 5000 kids with nowhere else to snack-can you PLEASE just go HOME?????
Oh, and add the creepy old man who listens in on our conversations and has to repeatedly give his input.
Yeah, I know I'm ranting, but honestly, most of these people are worth it for that rainbow cookie. Plus, like I said, there's nowhere else to go while our parents are at work.
So I have worked for Starbucks for the past 3 years. yes there are moments where you want to say fuck it all, then there are moments that are worth it. Most of this list rings quite true. I dont care what you call your cup as long as its not regular! people always point at a different size other than the middle.
As to line cell phone users, screw yourselves i give you decaf. if your rude and dont order decaf i give you decaf. lol, honestly if your going to have a complicated order expect it to be wrong half the time.
the crazy would be writers they can be alright.
and one last thing, in coffee you have to be crazy to put up with all of peoples shit and come back for more!
My only gripe with Starbucks is that it's so expensive! It's like $4.70 NZ (thereabouts) to get a small latte at starbucks, but everywhere else it's usually $3.50, and sometimes $2 (half all my prices and thats about what it would be in USD). The coffee is also stronger elsewhere.
I have worked at Starbucks for almost 2 years now. I am probably the least likely person to work there (I bet a lot of partners say that), and all of your comments are dead on. The Starbucks I work at has people that frequent in everyday, ALL DAY. Our regular customers are like family; I've started seeing it as instead of going to work, I spend the morning waking up with people and having some breakfast. I have thought about quitting a lot (because your comments are dead on), but the way the economy is right now, a lot of people would like to have this job (even though I don't meet the standards of having the health benefits anymore because our hours are getting cut so bad). p.s. - I'm that overly happy greeter; The best way to get through my day is to detach myself from the situation of working, and act like a crazy idiot for my own entertainment. And what if I was a grumpy zombie instead? Then we'd be getting slack for not being friendly enough. Can't have your cup of coffee and drink it too.
I know this guy who loves his local Starbucks because "they know [his] name". Yeah, idiot; your name is fucking FRANK, that's why they remember it: because you're as average and un-special as the million average, un-special peeps they see every single day!!
I don't mean un-special as a degrading thing, I mean un-special as statistically average.
I personally don't like Starbucks because they ask for your name, then they can't spell it, then they give you attitude if you don't want to give your name. I just don't think it should be a requirement to spell your name for coffee.
It's just a marketing scheme to make average people feel special. I find it manipulating and degrading. Because they precisely bank on the fact that MOST people (with average names) will feel gratification when their names are written on their cup of coffee!!
My name is Muhammad. Every single time, I have to spell it, the they go, "Oh, Muhammad?!! (duh!! - like, they've heard it before!!) and then they treat me either like I'm a terrorist, or like they're reaaaally sorry about something... like, they suppose that I'll get mad and then I'll slit their throats or something!! I didn't choose my name, and I just want a cup of coffee.
Complaining about his horrible experience he had a few minutes ago while buying his mechanically hot flavored water and the omnipresent universal forces which forced him to buy it a "that" coffee shop. The next 5 guys who stop by or just near his cubicle will be forced to hear his story. He will point the crowded little space, the impersonal prefabricated greetings from the staff and will explain how his order "should" be served instead of the "crap he's forced to taste".
Before going to lunch, he will tell someone not to go to "that" store and will offer a bit of the (now) cold coffee at his desk which has been relegated but is between everything and him.
And... as a bad joke, every time I take off my headphones... I hear him.
I would add "the barista who thinks he's your friend just because he sees you every day." I have one of these at both my home and work Starbucks. One thinks my name is "Ellen" and the other gets personally offended when I have the audacity to change my drink from day to day, because as soon as I walk in the door, he begins preparing "my" drink. When he has to make it over again, he demands an explanation. How about "I am not here to make your life easier; I am here for the drink I currently want. I don't owe you an explanation; I only owe you four dollars. Here is my four dollars."
9. The asshats that piss and argue in posts at the end of an article. Which, you'll never actually SEE at a Starbucks, because they're too busy being wankers on their computers at home.
Oh man there are so many more people that you missed. I've been working at a Starbucks for 2 years now and you forgot about up-scale European customers. They know their coffee, so they aren't ass-holes but they will make your life hell if that Espresso isn't up to Italian Bar standards, although they know they are coming to Starbucks... WHY EVEN COME TO NORTH AMERICA THEN!?
You poor, poor people with diplomas. I am sure many of you even remembered what you learned to get those diplomas, which is great. As for me, I smelled a rat in all my years in public school because I knew my needs were not being met. During high school, I resorted to acing tests without studying, and refusing to do the work that I didn't need to do to prove that I had learned and understood the course material. The vice principal more than once tried to tell me to withdraw myself from the school, but I was within my rights to refuse, so I said, nope, I'm going to keep showing up just to learn. I still didn't do the work unless I liked it. I didn't even get my diploma because I considered it worthless. And, it was. I'm 29 and my employers never checked on whether I have a diploma. Except one, for whom I got a G.E.D. It was good enough for them. I must be so stupid not to get that diploma. Oh, wait. Why is this all ironic? A few years ago, over a couple of days, I was run through a series of tests by a neuropsychologist, at which time I was informed I am a genius.
The public school system, early in my life, refused to let me be tested for my abilities. This way, they were paid money for my presence, and avoided having to answer for the wrong they did to me - an innocent child. Needless to say, I have little respect for our public education system, but the greatest love for learning.
To all of you who are mocking someone who has a G.E.D., or who is being homeschooled - your diplomas and your childish, ridiculing comments won't bring you what you obviously lack.
Even though I am what they call a "genius", I've never said this to anyone:
Sorry you all have to be average. Mocking others will never change you for the better.
(393 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 21st, 2008 at 02:25 pm
English Major Says:
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:29 am
WOW people. Learn to fucking type properly before posting a comment. Oh and John - """""""""obviouslly""""""""""" homeschooling isn’t working out so well. I guess mommy and daddy don’t have high school diplomas either!! Go back to fucking public school - you will most definitely get a better education.
May 21st, 2008 at 02:26 pm
I just got out of prison in Mexico for trying to get some health care and a job down there. What is Starbucks?
May 21st, 2008 at 02:27 pm
Heh. Someone pissed a lot of people off.
It's a sure mark of a good article. :)
May 21st, 2008 at 02:34 pm
Regarding #5 - I used to work at a starbucks, and this behaviour was not only encouraged, it was just near expected. So don't take it out on us.
Funny article! Brings back some old memories. Because, in my starbucks, we had every single one of these people.
May 21st, 2008 at 02:43 pm
Well this is fun, if you can get past the grammar (which everyone sees so fit to correct). I liked it--it amused me, especially since I used to be that writer guy. But a word of advice to everyone, jsut enjoy the joke. There's no need to be snobby, condescending, and a dick; no one likes a dick.
May 21st, 2008 at 02:45 pm
Bill Maher says the more "modifiers" a person has when they order Starbucks beverages, the bigger asshole they are. I concur.
May 21st, 2008 at 02:47 pm
the attention comes from digg.com
May 21st, 2008 at 02:48 pm
Mostly....going to StarBucks....would be buying fresh brewed cup coffee. Number 4 gets my vote. Mostly.... "FlashyFag's" killing my appetite Bluetoothing in their latest ankle grabbing fest at the top of their lungs.
May 21st, 2008 at 02:48 pm
The baristas at my local Starbucks constantly say "No worries!" That's fucking annoying.
May 21st, 2008 at 02:48 pm
there really are some sad people in the world. who the hell cares whether they wrote 'imac' or 'macbook'. you people obviously have too much time on your hands to complain about these things. really, get over yourselves. wow look at me, i can be so critical. and with spelling to. who honestly cares? has your life been ruined by bad grammer and spelling? get out more. remove yourself from your computer and step outside of your warhammer-postered bedroom and get a life.
bring the grief
May 21st, 2008 at 02:49 pm
hey idiot,
chai is tea.
no one but an idiot would put a shot of espresso in their chai.
May 21st, 2008 at 02:51 pm
Hey Volker who gives a flying hamster dick if he called it an iMac. OH no! He used the wrong product name. The point is, the same douche bag that sits in a Starbucks trying to make sure everyone sees "look at me IM A WRITER!!!" is the same dickhole that buys into the trendy iMac, macbook iPod ipieceoffuckingshit i-put-i-on-everything-scam-to-make-it-sell-for-more-money-even-though-it's-a-piece-of-shit
. FANBOY!
Oh and John, if you weren't home schooled you might actually be able to deal with insults a little better. You see you learn other things in public school other than book smarts.
May 21st, 2008 at 02:59 pm
I'm a programmer so I'll start at #0...
0. Guy who sits in the corner dreaming up his blog post about how others annoy him because they have lives and he does not--nor can he proofread.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:05 pm
Why did this turn into an internet-user, website-reader bash? I thought we all agreed that it was the Starbucks customers/corporate office that we hated. Let's all take a step back and realize that we're united in our hatred for mass consumerism. It doesn't matter if you called it an iMac or an iBook or whether you have a GED or a diploma; the bounds of hatred should extend far behind the mundane product names. STARBUCKS is the enemy here, folks.
P.S. - I know someone's gonna call me a hippie tree hugger or a homo crisis counselor or something else that they saw in a movie or read in a Chuck Klosterman book, but that's okay.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:07 pm
This is a classic!
May 21st, 2008 at 03:12 pm
"Wow, John… in one post"
Wow jerk, your grasp of grammatical correctness is quite poor.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:15 pm
I just go into esquires or starshmucks ... doesn't matter, order a caramel machiato thingy with an extra shot (exact terms)
I use whatever term the coffee shop is using for the large one. It's not hard to read the board and find out what they are calling them. Sometimes I order a 'large' to piss them off. Most places around here can make the large to venti/ampio conversions for me though.
We have lots of people with the bloody mac's .... but they aren't writers. they are a far worse brand of .... creature. They are those people who think they are cool because they have a mac. I cracked up laughing when i guy brought in an Asus eeepc .... like 1/4 the size of an imac. Should have seen the mac users face.
It'd be nice if an extra shot meant rum not espresso, you need it after dealing with their customers.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:18 pm
"Horrible post’s. No one cares about proper grammer when responding to a blog article, "
You're right - and no one cares about the opinions of an illiterate moron.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:19 pm
One more type: the stay-at-home mom with the double-wide stroller and 3 kids that needs to get her Starbucks between the hours of 7:45-8:45am when everyone else is in a hurry to get to work.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:23 pm
My Fiancée works at Starbucks so I here about these exact people all the time. On fact she falls into the category of #5. It’s actually pretty funny to watch her when she is working and see some of the reactions of people. Most people laugh but t hen you get the grumpy people like #4 and they hate it, so she just lays it on thicker to mess with them. It’s great. Here are a few more no one mentioned.
Frist one to mention is the junior high and high school girls who dress like they are hookers or something. We call them the prost-a-tots. They are real annoying and snobby and order frappuccinos like they are going out of style.
There are also the really over weight people who order large "venti" drinks that are the fattiest on the menu and ask for extra caramel and extra whip cream.
Then you got the Church groups on Sunday afternoons. They come in and guilt trips everyone there because they didn't go to church and they like to talk about how great they are because they did.
Oh and lets not forget the gypsies. No matter if you work at Starbucks or a restaurant you get these assholes. They are loud obnoxious and are bad tippers.
And of course the tweakers who will order waters and soon as you are not looking steal the tip jar and run.
God Starbucks is one messed up place.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:24 pm
Your quite the pessimist, but I see where you are coming from. I suggest going to Tim Horton's as to eleviate your frustration with the current Starbucks trend. Problem solve. Starbucks coffee is shit anyways.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:30 pm
Grammar.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:36 pm
It's "you're", douchebag. And "grammar". And "posts". If you don't go to college, you're an idiot, and a failure at life. Don't give me examples; 10 successful non-college graduates do not account for nor do they override the hundreds of thousands of other dumbasses that didn't go to college and failed miserably at life. And honestly, who the fuck cares if Macs or PCs are better? They're used for many different things, and though I must say Windows Vista has more flaws than Paris Hilton, both operating systems have their ups and downs.
Yeah, fuck you.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:38 pm
I bet you'd blow the order takers mind if you were give them the size in fluid ounces.
Imagine:
"Yeah, I take a coffee. No, just a regular coffee. Could you put it in a 20 oz cup for me, please? And fill it up -- 20 oz of coffee in that 20 oz cup, thank you very much."
May 21st, 2008 at 03:44 pm
your a douche Says:
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:51 am
Hey Volker who gives a flying hamster dick if he called it an iMac. OH no! He used the wrong product name. The point is, the same douche bag that sits in a Starbucks trying to make sure everyone sees “look at me IM A WRITER!!!” is the same dickhole that buys into the trendy iMac, macbook iPod ipieceoffuckingshit i-put-i-on-everything-scam-to-make-it-sell-for-more-money-even-though-it’s-a-piece-of-shit
. FANBOY!
LOL!! man. I own a Mac and a PC and Linux box. Im a fan of all.
And just to clarify, if someone told you to look for WMD's would you look for kool-aid instead? lol.
May 21st, 2008 at 03:45 pm
F*&K?
Just spell out the word "fuck" next time.
See? The world didn't explode when I just did it..
October 30th, 2008 at 04:08 pm
Alright, I don't to starbucks.. because i am only 13, BUT i was looking for this thing on youtube, and up popped this webpage.. I clicked on it, and here was this amazingly true shit about starbucks. the one that made me laugh the most, was the one about the crazy greeter.. because i can do it perfectly (: hehe
October 31st, 2008 at 09:26 am
Why is the text cut off on the right?
November 2nd, 2008 at 04:12 am
Nice post,reading this entry and the comments i think ill stick to my homemade coffee.
plus its 4.11 am and im just tantalized by this site.KUDOS!!
March 8th, 2009 at 05:51 am
Haha. The first reason is the funniest.
"Akeelah and the Bee". LOL
March 13th, 2009 at 02:11 pm
Starbucks, to me, is a special occasion place to visit. If I am on the road, I'll hit the drive-through, or if I have some extra money and want to splurge. Normally I hit the local stand and I prefer their coffee (as opposed to a specialty drink, like Mocha or Chai) and it's still less than $2, even in these times. This list is funny as hell, though.
May 15th, 2009 at 04:23 am
You forgot one of the most visible and ridiculous cliches: a Starbucks directly across the street from another Starbucks. there was such an example in Houston, but one of them probably closed since I last went there (Starbucks closed a bunch of stores last year).
March 18th, 2009 at 01:24 am
I'm South African and worked in a Starbucks for two winter seasons in a ski resort in colorado and this is so spot on! First of all I couldn't believe how obsessed ppl are with Starbucks. I mean waiting in a line for 30minutes on Christmas day just for a cup of coffee...it's crazy!! and then all the different "customisations" of your coffee, what ever happened to just a cup of drip?
My favourite person is the one that stands staring at you while you make your 500th grande, non-fat half vanilla half sugar free almond latte with extra whip cream and 2 sweet and lows and every time u cap a drink they say "is that mine?" like i would know if it's yours...do i know your name?...did i take your order? no!
April 11th, 2009 at 09:38 pm
You forgot the ad hoc AA meetings with people in recovery reading aloud from the Big Book workin on their Steps. It's nice to see addiction being replaced by another addiction.
January 13th, 2009 at 08:56 am
You totally swiped akeelah and the bee from Michael Showalter
but still fucking funny regardless
February 16th, 2009 at 07:51 am
This had me laughing so hard!!
8, 6, 4, and 3 make up 60% of my local Starbucks.
Honestly, I am a teenage girl who goes to Starbucks with three friends, but don't hate me!!! keep reading:
First of all, we always have cash in our pockets and order cookies and hot chocolate, but I do know the types people are complaining about-I live in that sort of town. The ones who have been ordering ventiwhatevers since they were 6 and always use up the armchairs because they just have to on their boyfriend's laps and they're always shrieking at annoying pitches. They also stay for twenty minutes after finishing, all the while their moms wait outside in their SUV's. Hey, we have a high school of 5000 kids with nowhere else to snack-can you PLEASE just go HOME?????
Oh, and add the creepy old man who listens in on our conversations and has to repeatedly give his input.
Yeah, I know I'm ranting, but honestly, most of these people are worth it for that rainbow cookie. Plus, like I said, there's nowhere else to go while our parents are at work.
December 22nd, 2008 at 07:43 pm
So I have worked for Starbucks for the past 3 years. yes there are moments where you want to say fuck it all, then there are moments that are worth it. Most of this list rings quite true. I dont care what you call your cup as long as its not regular! people always point at a different size other than the middle.
As to line cell phone users, screw yourselves i give you decaf. if your rude and dont order decaf i give you decaf. lol, honestly if your going to have a complicated order expect it to be wrong half the time.
the crazy would be writers they can be alright.
and one last thing, in coffee you have to be crazy to put up with all of peoples shit and come back for more!
February 5th, 2009 at 02:35 am
My only gripe with Starbucks is that it's so expensive! It's like $4.70 NZ (thereabouts) to get a small latte at starbucks, but everywhere else it's usually $3.50, and sometimes $2 (half all my prices and thats about what it would be in USD). The coffee is also stronger elsewhere.
January 31st, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I completely agree with #1. That was just a waste of my time and life. The study groups and writers are the most annoying to me.
January 18th, 2009 at 07:39 am
I have worked at Starbucks for almost 2 years now. I am probably the least likely person to work there (I bet a lot of partners say that), and all of your comments are dead on. The Starbucks I work at has people that frequent in everyday, ALL DAY. Our regular customers are like family; I've started seeing it as instead of going to work, I spend the morning waking up with people and having some breakfast. I have thought about quitting a lot (because your comments are dead on), but the way the economy is right now, a lot of people would like to have this job (even though I don't meet the standards of having the health benefits anymore because our hours are getting cut so bad). p.s. - I'm that overly happy greeter; The best way to get through my day is to detach myself from the situation of working, and act like a crazy idiot for my own entertainment. And what if I was a grumpy zombie instead? Then we'd be getting slack for not being friendly enough. Can't have your cup of coffee and drink it too.
May 11th, 2009 at 01:15 pm
He forgot any person who steps foot in one of these places!
April 22nd, 2009 at 08:02 pm
I know this guy who loves his local Starbucks because "they know [his] name". Yeah, idiot; your name is fucking FRANK, that's why they remember it: because you're as average and un-special as the million average, un-special peeps they see every single day!!
I don't mean un-special as a degrading thing, I mean un-special as statistically average.
I personally don't like Starbucks because they ask for your name, then they can't spell it, then they give you attitude if you don't want to give your name. I just don't think it should be a requirement to spell your name for coffee.
It's just a marketing scheme to make average people feel special. I find it manipulating and degrading. Because they precisely bank on the fact that MOST people (with average names) will feel gratification when their names are written on their cup of coffee!!
My name is Muhammad. Every single time, I have to spell it, the they go, "Oh, Muhammad?!! (duh!! - like, they've heard it before!!) and then they treat me either like I'm a terrorist, or like they're reaaaally sorry about something... like, they suppose that I'll get mad and then I'll slit their throats or something!! I didn't choose my name, and I just want a cup of coffee.
June 17th, 2009 at 03:32 pm
#9. The guy at the office.
Complaining about his horrible experience he had a few minutes ago while buying his mechanically hot flavored water and the omnipresent universal forces which forced him to buy it a "that" coffee shop. The next 5 guys who stop by or just near his cubicle will be forced to hear his story. He will point the crowded little space, the impersonal prefabricated greetings from the staff and will explain how his order "should" be served instead of the "crap he's forced to taste".
Before going to lunch, he will tell someone not to go to "that" store and will offer a bit of the (now) cold coffee at his desk which has been relegated but is between everything and him.
And... as a bad joke, every time I take off my headphones... I hear him.
October 8th, 2009 at 08:54 am
i'm 12 years old and what is this?
May 21st, 2008 at 03:48 pm
All I have to say is THANK YOU. I loved your post and laughed out loud. I needed a good laugh today in a bad way and you definitely came through.
I guess this means I am a pessimist too. I can live with that ;)
May 21st, 2008 at 03:50 pm
Oh study groups, how I hate you.
I would add "the barista who thinks he's your friend just because he sees you every day." I have one of these at both my home and work Starbucks. One thinks my name is "Ellen" and the other gets personally offended when I have the audacity to change my drink from day to day, because as soon as I walk in the door, he begins preparing "my" drink. When he has to make it over again, he demands an explanation. How about "I am not here to make your life easier; I am here for the drink I currently want. I don't owe you an explanation; I only owe you four dollars. Here is my four dollars."
May 21st, 2008 at 04:04 pm
Updated list.
9. The asshats that piss and argue in posts at the end of an article. Which, you'll never actually SEE at a Starbucks, because they're too busy being wankers on their computers at home.
May 21st, 2008 at 04:05 pm
Oh man there are so many more people that you missed. I've been working at a Starbucks for 2 years now and you forgot about up-scale European customers. They know their coffee, so they aren't ass-holes but they will make your life hell if that Espresso isn't up to Italian Bar standards, although they know they are coming to Starbucks... WHY EVEN COME TO NORTH AMERICA THEN!?
May 21st, 2008 at 04:07 pm
You poor, poor people with diplomas. I am sure many of you even remembered what you learned to get those diplomas, which is great. As for me, I smelled a rat in all my years in public school because I knew my needs were not being met. During high school, I resorted to acing tests without studying, and refusing to do the work that I didn't need to do to prove that I had learned and understood the course material. The vice principal more than once tried to tell me to withdraw myself from the school, but I was within my rights to refuse, so I said, nope, I'm going to keep showing up just to learn. I still didn't do the work unless I liked it. I didn't even get my diploma because I considered it worthless. And, it was. I'm 29 and my employers never checked on whether I have a diploma. Except one, for whom I got a G.E.D. It was good enough for them. I must be so stupid not to get that diploma. Oh, wait. Why is this all ironic? A few years ago, over a couple of days, I was run through a series of tests by a neuropsychologist, at which time I was informed I am a genius.
The public school system, early in my life, refused to let me be tested for my abilities. This way, they were paid money for my presence, and avoided having to answer for the wrong they did to me - an innocent child. Needless to say, I have little respect for our public education system, but the greatest love for learning.
To all of you who are mocking someone who has a G.E.D., or who is being homeschooled - your diplomas and your childish, ridiculing comments won't bring you what you obviously lack.
Even though I am what they call a "genius", I've never said this to anyone:
Sorry you all have to be average. Mocking others will never change you for the better.
May 21st, 2008 at 04:07 pm
lol very good, you would never find me in starbucks
Post new comment